


Something Better

by faelapis



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Click here to find out!, F/F, Fluff, Gen, How do you live when your Diamond goes on without you?, Jasper HEALING more accurately, Jasper Redemption (Steven Universe), Little Homeschool, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, Takes place mostly after Future - the prologue is her initial reaction to his first and last order
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 62,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23369017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faelapis/pseuds/faelapis
Summary: "Find something better to do with your life."The shattering had been less painful.This is a post-canon story about Jasper's journey to become her best self, find friends and appreciation. 100% Canon compliant, elaborating on her search for meaning in life without her Diamond.
Relationships: (Pearl flirts with everyone and comes to genuinely appreciate her), Eventual Jasper/Pearl, Jasper/Pearl (Steven Universe)
Comments: 325
Kudos: 476





	1. Prologue

“Find something better to do with your life."

The shattering had been less painful. 

As her Diamond fled, his order seemed to root Jasper in place. It was an alien feeling, to one such as her. The presence of a higher being to guide her always put her mind at ease. Even when she had... failed, their presence gave her hope to carry on, to thank them for their mercy by striving to better herself for the next mission.

That wasn’t the case this time.

Even when the hexagonal barrier of pink disappeared from her sight, Jasper knew it would be wrong of her to rush after St- her Diamond. She was given a direct order not to follow him. He had addressed her by _name_. Certain things were sacred, no matter what she felt.

As the lesser gems ran off to discuss what to do next, or where he might go, she knew better than to question him. A smugness filled her, allowing her to distract herself from these strange, new feelings. _Amateurs_. He would know where to go, or what he needed, better than they could ever imagine.

Jasper would be good. She wouldn’t hold him back. She’d do as he asked.

Still, she allowed herself a moment to linger. This was a hallowed space… her Diamond’s quarters. Organic life forms (likely a type of ”grass?”) had invaded it, but she knew enough of her Diamond’s priorities not to attempt to expel it. They were allowed by him. She would accept them.

There wasn’t much in the room. The “grass” yielded no secret messages, no quests for her to partake in. There was just silence. There was just her.

Her mind turned to what to do next.

She wanted to wait for him. She knew that would be wrong.

She was given the order to do “something better”, but there was nothing here.

Nothing in this room had answers. Nothing inside her told her what something better would be. There was nothing higher in life than obeying one’s Diamond… nothing. She had nothing.

She had to do this right. This was her new Diamond’s first order.

_Think, you clod, _Jasper’s mind yelled. Her Diamond wouldn’t have given her an impossible order. If she couldn’t make it happen, that was her own fault.__

__She thought back. What would her diamond consider “better”? He had terrible confidence issues, despite his greatness. She had known that much._ _

__Afraid of his own power, afraid to be strong…_ _

__But she had no place to judge him now. He had SHOWN her. He had been the strength she needed, all along. When the other diamonds turned their back on the world, when Yellow Diamond released her… he, in his greatness, was there._ _

__Back then, she had been annoyed. The sheer arrogance… but she didn’t know who his _true_ self was yet. He’d refused to leave her alone, cycle after cycle. For two earth years, he’d come to see her. Update her on his projects. Ask her to come back with him. _ _

__The runt - Amethyst - had come too, at first. She gave up eventually. Had she seen how it pained her Diamond, for Jasper to reject him?_ _

__Perhaps she was protecting him. That would’ve been honorable._ _

__He’d seen the power in her, surely, and come for her. He seemed troubled to watch her decay… and now, he was expecting great things from her once again._ _

__What had he wanted from her back then? Her mind raced, repeating his every word in her mind for the answer. The last time he came into her territory - _his _territory, really - she’d had the nerve to stop him, in her foolishness…___ _

____But wait - he had told her his desire._ _ _ _

____“Little Homeschool…” she said out loud, to the empty warp pad, as if it would carry her realization to her intended audience._ _ _ _

____She had no idea what those words meant._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've spent maybe four and a half years of my life hyperfixating on Jasper, so I will do my best to write what I think WILL happen in Jasper's life moving forward. While I was very much relieved SU Future gave her a hopeful ending and elaborated on her character in such interesting ways, I need MORE. So I've mapped out this story to do just that. I have a relatively clear idea of where I want this to go, but I appreciate all feedback, comments and criticism. Thanks for reading! <3


	2. Escape

“I legit can’t believe you’re asking me for this _now._ "

That’s how the Amethyst had responded when Jasper entered the Crystal Gem temple, mere moments after her grand realization. Of course, she’d immediately asked her to take her to “Little Homeschool”. The runt had been the only one there. Perhaps she had been chosen to guard the base, while the others searched for their runaway Diamond. 

It was such a foolish endeavor; Diamonds did what they wanted. Trying to control their actions was like trying to stop the Earth’s days from turning to night.

Jasper rolled her eyes. “It is never a bad time to obey my Diamond," she responded. 

“Okay, stop. Why are you calling Steven that?” The Amethyst asked. 

Jasper looked towards the bathroom. From the look on her Diamond's face back _then_ , how upset he had been after bringing her back to this world… she didn’t think it would please him to share what he had done. 

Jasper did not know why. Perhaps it wasn’t for her to understand.

“What happened to you, Jasper?! You’re acting all... _weird_ , even more than usual. You show up out of nowhere, I don’t even know how you got in our bathroom… then you suddenly tell me that after years of silence, nothing, nada, you finally want my help to heal and grow and all that stuff?” The Amethyst asked.

Jasper shook her head. “No. I don’t want your help, and I don’t need it. I asked you to take me to Little Homeschool, as our _Diamond_ has instructed. Why are you being insubordinate, runt?” This was getting bothersome…

The Amethyst was laughing now. It had more bite than humor, like she was mocking her. Or perhaps frustrated. Jasper didn’t care enough to find out which.

“Hahaha… wow. This sucks for you, Jasper! Here’s some news - I’m a _teacher_ at Little Homeschool. If that’s what you think your _precious diamond_ wants for you, too bad! I’m not accepting new students right now!” she declared. 

Jasper felt her temper rise, her composure slipping. She advanced towards her, as if to appear more threatening. “Why not?!”

The Amethyst didn’t flinch. No fear in her eyes.

“Because Steven just warped away crying, saying that we, _his family_ , can’t help him! I don’t know what just happened between you, but something really, really wrong is going on…” she answered, looking towards the bathroom.

There was the fear Jasper had searched for before. But it was for their Diamond, not for her own life. She almost felt proud - _that was better_. Now she was almost acting like a proper Amethyst guard. 

“My Diamond is the best judge of what he needs. Not us. We cannot decide what he will do next, only obey what he orders us to do. That will lead to the best outcome for everyone. Let him leave - he knows his own power” Jasper explained, a confident smile overtaking her frustration. 

It was the best comfort any Homeworld gem could’ve offered you. Your Diamond above logic, consequence, your own life. Jasper felt exceedingly proud of her speech, and frankly, like the Amethyst should stop being emotional and take her to Little Homeschool right about now. 

The Amethyst, apparently, didn’t agree. Her eyes were as if on fire. “You’re talking like a total weirdo, and Steven would never be anyone’s Diamond! What did you do to him?!” she demanded, summoning her whip from her gem. 

“Nothing!” Jasper replied. She had done nothing more than test her Diamond. It was he who had initiated the fight, and he who had won. 

She was merely his prize.

“You’re LYING!” The runt yelled back. 

That was insubordination. “No, I’m not! Stop questioning our orders, you pathetic little _weakling_!”

Next thing Jasper knew, the whip slashed across her face. 

She flinched. It did not hurt much, but it made her eyes snap shut, her arms rising to shield her gem. It was not unlike the unbecoming pose she had found herself in when her Diamond brought her back to this world. 

As much as she ached to fight back, she was frozen in place. Her arms refused to lower. Her gem had summoned her helmet without her permission. As if it had decided she was in danger.

The notion was laughable. 

This runt didn’t scare her. Death itself didn’t scare her. Her Diamond had saved her from the void once before. He had chosen her to remain alive, to be his, despite the vastness of his allies. She was special. Nothing could hurt her, as long as she was under her Diamond’s protection. This was silly. She had nothing to be afraid of…

The Amethyst was the first to speak. “Jasper…?”

She wanted to respond. It was impossible. An unknown force was tightening her throat. Though her lips parted, words would not come out. 

_All she could see was that wall of pink, coming towards her at full speed, the crashing thunder right as she-_

“Are you…?” the smaller quartz tried. A failed attempt at a question.

She was approaching. Jasper had to do something. _Anything._ This was pathetic.

“I want- ” Her voice broke. She cut herself off and sealed her lips tight, clenching her teeth to prevent any undesirable sounds from leaving her throat. 

“Whoa,” the Amethyst let slip. “Um, i-it’s okay! You don’t have to say anything. I think I might have misunderstood something here, heh, sorry about that…” she responded, her whip turning to light and disappearing back inside her gem. 

The runt allowed herself to pat Jasper’s arm. Her casual tone was a clear attempt at calming the situation. As if she felt shame.

Or perhaps she was trying to save Jasper from her own shame.

“Hey, uh… if you need to sit down, that’s cool! We can just chill for a sec, get you some of Steven’s ice cream… I gotta stay here in case he comes back anyway, I don’t mind if you wanna join until we find him”, the Amethyst offered, making her way towards the large, rectangular container on the other side of the room.

“N-no!” Jasper protested. Her voice was quavering, disgracing herself further… but that offer was unacceptable. She had to say something, however shameful her tone.

If she was still here when her Diamond returned, that would be failure. He would _see_ her failure. He would know her weakness. 

She would be nothing, once again.

Jasper grabbed the Amethyst’s wrist before she could take another step, forcing her to an abrupt halt.

“O-okay, geez dude, I’m sorry… You don’t have to be here, if that makes it worse somehow…” the Amethyst reassured her. 

The look the runt gave her was so… pitiful. As if Jasper was some lower lifeform, so weak and fragile as to need to be appeased in any way possible.

 _Was she even wrong?_ The uninvited thought crossed Jasper’s mind, as if her reactions hadn’t humiliated her enough.

Moments passed. Jasper’s form slowly, eventually came back under her control, and she felt like herself again. She was able to let the Amethyst go and remove her helmet. The smaller gem gently backed away... perhaps disgusted by her, or, knowing her sappiness, giving Jasper space. 

“It’s alright, big gal… Nothing’s scary around here, just little ol’ me, and I know you’re not afraid of that, hah…Remember when you almost - uh, nevermind, actually. Don't worry. Just… let me know when you can talk, alright?”

Such a useless comfort… Jasper knew very well there was nothing to fear. Her form was the problem, refusing to obey her. She was perfectly safe. 

But the Amethyst made good on her promise. She stood in place, waiting for the larger gem to recover her bearings. Not nearly soon enough, Jasper gained enough control of herself to find her voice. 

“I don’t know what that was. It was dumb. I was disgraceful. I’ll get out and leave you to your duties. You may report my foolishness to our Diamond, he deserves to know my failure…” Jasper turned to leave, but this time, the Amethyst grabbed her wrist.

“Wait! You wanted to go to Little Homeschool, right?” she asked.

Jasper could only nod. The runt looked towards the warp pad, and then back at the other gem, as if making a decision. She made it moments later:

“Alright. Let’s go.”

* * *

The Amethyst warped them to the central square. The rain had stopped as the night settled in, leaving just about every surface around them glistening. The small ponds on the ground illuminated by the intense lights of the busy street.

Jasper had only ever seen this place from afar. Upon her high hill, it had seemed like a pitiful, insignificant settlement, full of useless freaks who’d given up on their purpose. Maybe she’d been tempted to take a closer look once or twice… at the time, she thought that had been an absurd temptation.

But now, she had no choice but to look at it from a new angle. Her Diamond had created this space, along with his “friends”… for one such as her. 

This is where he had wanted her to be, all along. 

This was what she had been brought back to life for.

From within, she could see its grandeur. The central tower stood tall, proud, and sturdy in the face of howling winds. The slanted, decorated settlements were much like what mid-tier gems had been assigned back on Homeworld. The colors were not traditional, but certainly more appealing than the dull earth tones she’d surrounded herself with in her pitiful little forest.

Before she’d taken it all in, the Amethyst pulled on her arm. “Let’s hurry - I shouldn’t even be here right now. If Steven comes home and no one’s there, it could be bad…”

Jasper wasn’t going to protest to that. Leaving your Diamond waiting was a great shame.

Several gems greeted the Amethyst as she passed through. She seemed a respectable figure here, as strange as that notion was.

Soon, they reached the edge of the settlement - and with it, a small, brown building barely taller than Jasper herself.

“Here - I know it’s not great, but usually, you have to like, sign up and junk before we either build you a house or assign you a space… We haven’t really had any new folks in a while, I’m sure Bismuth’s gonna be happy to have more to do. Just… stay here for the night. I’ll come back for you for registration later," the Amethyst explained.

“Is this where my Diamond wants me to stay?” Jasper asked, refusing to pass judgement on the decor until she knew whether it was _permissible_ to.

The Amethyst let out a sigh. “Yknow what Jasper? I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. I’m sure Steven is hype as hell about this shack in particular.”

“Then it’s perfect."

“Huh. And here I was, thinking you’d be all offended and demand a bigger space or something… not like I ever got to know you that well,” the Amethyst commented as she opened the creaking door, gesturing for Jasper to get inside the dark room.

“I used to have a large space for myself. It was a forest. If my Diamond finds this place more suitable for me… that is where I will stay” Jasper responded, letting herself be led into the darkness. 

“…Cool. Okay. And if I just leave now and come back later, you’ll still be here, right?” the Amethyst asked. She seemed antsy to leave.

“Yes. Unless my Diamond-” Jasper tried, getting cut off before she could finish.

“Great, gotta go, later!” and with that, the Amethyst slammed the door shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title: "In Which Jasper Doesn't Know What a Panic Attack Is." Thanks for reading! I'm so excited to get this show on the road. I appreciate all feedback, comments and criticism. <3


	3. Tools

Jasper was in her hole. There seemed to be an awful lot of noise outside… Better to be in here. Her form surrounded by familiar glass walls.

There was a voice coming from somewhere. “What are you doing here?” it said.

“Nothing.” Jasper was just laying here. She couldn’t move if she wanted to. If she attempted to move her arm, the thought didn’t connect to action. If she tried bending her leg, there was nothing but a dull ache where her knee _ought_ to be. Like her body was too far away from itself.

“You set my son on fire. He’s screaming.”

Jasper said nothing. She could only hear dull, faint groans outside the hole, like something was blocking the sounds of the world… Then footsteps, someone running fast.

The voice let out a sigh. “He’s running to save you…” 

“You said he was on fire.”

“Yes. You can’t move, can you?” the voice asked. 

Jasper tried to move again. As before, she could only _think_ it, not act on it. “I can’t…”

“That’s why. He’ll flood this cavern. He’ll flush you out, and you’ll wake up.”

The notion was strange… she had set _him_ on fire in the first place. “Why?”

“He’d always save you before himself. Once you wake, you’d do the same for him… Oh, this is all my fault. You poor gem. I gave you the match… but you wouldn’t believe that. Even if you did, you won’t remember this, or me…”

“How did you get a match?”

Just as Jasper asked that, water started filling her cave. Higher and higher. It was scary. She didn’t like change… “What if I want to stay in here?”

“No, you have to go. If you don’t leave, you’d die without ever seeing the outside of your little cavern,” the voice explained. It was attached to hands now, which cupped Jasper’s small, broken form. They felt strong. Authoritative. Familiar. “Goodbye, my gem… Your world is full of so many-”

The water enveloped Jasper’s gem. It rose above her, filling the whole cave, and like a waterfall, flushed her outside.

She just barely caught a glimpse of the voice’s owner - a flurry of pale, pink hair.

* * *

Jasper woke up with a gasp. Sunlight streamed through a small window on the door of the shack.

Right. Little Homeschool. 

At some point during the night, she’d allowed herself to get comfortable enough to sit down. How long was she asleep? Had she dreamed? It felt true, but whatever it was was slipping from her…

In any case, Jasper had been good. She’d stayed in the shack all night, in the darkness, waiting for morning. 

There wasn’t much here - it could barely hold her form. If Jasper stood up too fast, she would hit the ceiling with ease. Behind her were wooden shelves of weapons, machinery, and various devices she didn’t recognize. This was clearly a storage facility for _items_ , not people.

She cracked a smile… perhaps that was fitting. She’d always seen herself as more weapon than anything else, and she was perfectly fine with that. Jaspers, like all gems, existed to be used, as long as it was by a _worthy_ user. 

She had found one again.

Suddenly, there were footsteps approaching - Jasper was thankful her senses were keen enough to warn her of danger from far away. Yes, they were coming this direction…. Two people, one large and one lithe, were about five buildings from her. She heard their voices clearly.

“…You don’t think you left it at the forge?” A Pearl’s voice.

“Nah, I just reorganized in it this morning! I know my forge better than anyone - I know every weapon I create, everything that enters, everything that leaves.” and that… was no doubt a Bismuth.

“Alright. You check the tower storage, I’ll check the shed,” the Pearl replied.

As the heavier footsteps turned the other way, lighter steps kept approaching. The Pearl was humming to herself, as if providing the score to Jasper’s doom.

The shed. She would open the door in a second, and Jasper had to do anything not to frighten her. She’d call for help, maybe even for her Diamond, and Jasper would _fail_ -

The door creaked open, and the Pearl from the Temple was faced with a Jasper standing up too quickly, bumping her head against the ceiling. Her humming ceased immediately. She stood there, wide-eyed, as if in silent shock.

Jasper had to fix this _now_. “Don’t cry for help! You do not need to fear, my Diamond’s Pearl. I have nothing but loyalty to our joint cause, to serve his will. As terrified as you surely are, I swear I won’t harm you. Besides… even if you did weep and cry for guards, I could easily take them. It would be pointless, even if you don’t believe my w-”

“Well, I found one tool.” the Pearl interrupted. At some point during Jasper’s speech, she'd started _smirking_.

This time, Jasper was frozen. The Pearl stepped closer, her hand reaching up to a shelf right besides Jasper’s head for some kind of metal contraption. Finding it with ease, she absorbed it into her gem. She looked at Jasper. 

“Don’t you think a toolshed is a little, um, on the _nose_ , so to speak?” the Pearl asked, punctuating her words by pointing a finger right at Jasper’s gem, then covering her mouth to snort.

Jasper bit her tongue, not understanding what that was supposed to mean. She also found herself touching her own gem in embarrassment. This Pearl was in service of her Diamond. Did she know? Had the Amethyst reported her? Were all of Little Homeschool laughing at her shame?

The Pearl waited, her eyes expectant… then her smile turned to a frown. “Ah, well. You are new here. I suppose jokes that aren’t _completely literal_ may go over your head…”

That snapped Jasper back to reality. “Nothing goes over my head. Do you have word from our Diamond?”

The Pearl paused. She stared at Jasper for a moment, looking her up and down as if she was searching for something. “I don’t know where you got such a ludicrous idea, but Steven is obviously not your Diamond. He is back, however, and… well, he says he’s alright, so I doubt you’d believe a _pearl_ telling you he may be wrong.”

“My Diamond knows his own feelings best.”

“…Right, sure. I truly don’t understand why you would ever think he’d - then again… you weren’t here for my seminar on the journey of Pink Diamond to Rose Quartz to Steven, so maybe you’re coping with her loss by insisting that she’s still in there somewhere. However, I can assure you-”

"No. I know perfectly well he’s not _her_. But he is my Diamond now,” Jasper interrupted. Thoughts of Pink Diamond were the last thing she needed now.

“And _why_ would you ever think such a thing?” 

This Pearl was nosy. It was strange to see one so completely unwilling to mind her own business. But judging by their brief encounter in the temple, her Diamond tolerated her blabbering… Fine, Jasper would humor her. May be the fastest way to assure she’s left alone.

"He… he beat me in a fair fight. Used his full power - _pink_ powers. He’s clearly a true Diamond, and the only one I have left worth serving. He poofed me. That’s… why I was in your ‘bathroom’. I bowed immediately.”

The Pearl winced. “Oh dear, he poofed you? He got so worried the first time that happened to me, poor thing… maybe that what’s been bothering him so much…” she mused, clearly more to herself than Jasper.

 _Replace ‘poof’ with ‘shatter’ and yeah, duh. But I don’t get why,_ Jasper thought.

Externally, she took a more neutral tone: “The thoughts of a Diamond are beyond my comprehension. All i can tell you is, it is now my duty to obey him. He wants me to go here, to-”

_“Go do something better with your life”, as if there’s anything more important-_

“To… fulfill my new mission. He wants me to join his _friends_ in this place and, uh, ‘learn’ and ‘grow’. I am to see this mission through. And -” Jasper stepped forward, intent to be taken seriously, “- I will not be stopped!”

The Pearl did not seem to take her seriously. She snorted again, then dramatically raised a hand against her forehead.

“Oh nooo… what are you going to do to me, Jasper? Going to crush your _diamond’s_ pearl? I’m sure that’s a _great_ idea, go ahead!” she encouraged, lowering her arms and leaving herself completely exposed. 

Jasper felt her cheeks burning. “Listen, you… _pearl,_ I’m not - I need to be here and wait for the Amethyst to get me to ‘registration’. She is a teacher here at Little Homeschool, don’t bother me right now.”

“Well, so am I. If you’re waiting for a teacher, I can take you there,” the Pearl offered. She flung the door open wider and held it open for Jasper.

“Oh.” A pearl would teach her? Her Diamond’s… _oddities_ knew no end. But of course, this was… what he had decided. She’d just have to live with it. She sheepishly started following the Pearl out.

As she reached the door, a lithe leg blocked her path.

“Actually, Jasper… Since you’re so lost and confused on your own, I was hoping you’d say please first.” the Pearl implored.

“Please?” she asked incredulously. No one ever said _please_ to a pearl…

“Why, of course I will! You’re welcome!” and just like that, she removed her leg. A smug smile crossed the Pearl’s face. She clearly enjoyed having the upper hand. 

“And you’re not in Little Homeschool. You’re in Little _Homeworld_. ‘Little Homeschool’ refers to the school within these parameters where we, the Crystal Gems, teach Homeworld gems like you how to live a better life,” she explained as they walked.

* * *

A Lazuli sat behind the counter. Not _Lapis_ , but a Lazuli with her bob curled inwards and a shoulder gem. She was looking at a blue, holographic monitor in front of her with gem script detailing various names - from reading in reverse, Jasper could make out ‘residents’ written at the top of the list.

“Name?” she asked dryly. Jasper looked towards the Pearl, who nodded.

“Red Striped Jasper, Facet-9, Cut-7XE,” she replied, her chin tilting up and arms going stiff at her sides by instinct. A formal pose, for a formal introduction.

“Alright…” the Lazuli said, typing on her monitor. “Would you like to go by Red Striped Jasper, Jasper, or some other designation?”

“I go by Jasper, unless something else is preferable.”

“I literally don’t care, _Jasper_ , I just want this to go by quickly,” the Lazuli quipped, then pulled another monitor in front of her. This one had pictures of settlements on it - Jasper recognized several of them as buildings she’d passed by.

“Pick a house, I guess. These are the finished constructs currently available - either because someone moved out after graduation, or because no one picked it. There’s four available options right now, and they’re all like, _okay_ , I guess… but if you’re picky, you can also request a new one to be built.”

“Oh! I didn’t realize we had empty space available!" the Pearl piped up, stars in her eyes. "I suppose it would be quicker than waiting for a new house… but do consider my offer, Jasper. Bismuth would simply _love_ the chance to build a new, personalized space for someone, learning their every preference and flexing her creative muscles… in short, figuring out just what’s right for you!” she said.

She sure could _talk_ … and she used her hands a lot, making a square with her fingers and ‘framing’ Jasper’s face with it when emphasizing ‘you’.

In any case, this was pointless. According to the Amethyst, Jasper’s Diamond had chosen the shack for her… but one picture caught her attention.

“No one wanted the tower?” Jasper asked the Lazuli, pointing a finger at the fourth picture. The receptionist rolled her eyes.

“Uh, _wrong_. That’s what Earthlings call an apartment complex, dummy. Basically it’s like, you share it with like a bunch of other gems you don’t like, and they annoy you with their singing and dancing… It kinda sucks. I guess some gems here are like, suuuuper needy or something,” she explained. She chuckled at the end, as if mocking the notion of being ‘needy’.

“Who would I share it with?” 

“On that floor, there’s like… actually let me check -” she looked over her ‘residents’ list again, “yeah, I thought so. A Lapis Lazuli, two Citrines, a Pyrite and-”

“What’s the designation on the Lapis? Uh, what’s her full name?” Jasper blurted out before she could stop herself. 

The Lazuli frowned. “Uh… why do you wanna know that? That’s like, _private_. We can’t just share that without asking the resident, even if she’s really annoying…”

“I apologize. I…” Jasper didn’t quite know how to explain herself. She’d interrupted a gem in service of her Diamond at her job, for no other reason than her own, selfish feelings… 

Suddenly, she felt the gentle touch of a hand on her arm, and looked over to find it to be the Pearl’s. She had an expression Jasper couldn’t quite place.

“Ah, Jasper… If you can’t decide at this very moment, would you like to put your registration on hold and step outside for a little while?” the Pearl offered. Jasper nodded, and the smaller gem - her hand still on Jasper’s arm - lead her outside.

As the automatic doors closed behind them, the Pearl didn’t hesitate to speak. “Now, don’t you worry about it. I know,” she said, giving her bicep a pat.

Jasper’s felt her defenses rise. She immediately pulled away from her touch. “Know _what?_ ”

“How difficult it is to make decisions by yourself, of course!” the Pearl replied, seemingly unbothered and unsurprised at Jasper’s rejection.

As if performing, she leaped gracefully atop a nearby rock and summoned a hologram of herself on the ground below… but this Pearl was wearing more _appropriate_ attire. Adorned in delicate fabrics of sheer and lace, a full skirt and the diamond insignia on her chest.

“At first, I, too, was merely acting out on the wishes of my Diamond… but soon, I discovered my own will, my own desires, that I was the true master of me and that nothing or no one should hold me down!” the real Pearl narrated, a fierce expression on her face.

The hologram transformed in time with her speech. Suddenly, she wore the real Pearl’s current, inappropriate outfit and summoned a spear, holding it proudly before fading away. As if she had practiced this speech, the real Pearl jumped down in the hologram’s place right as it disappeared, landing with her hands on the ground. As she rose to her feet, she grinned.

“So, don’t worry about this! Be you, Jasper! There is no right or wrong answer here. I’ve seen countless gems struggle the same way. You can pick the house you want, not the one you think a Diamond would approve of!” she said.

She was so… emotional. She expressed herself without fear or hesitation. It was strange. Perhaps a side-effect of being without an owner for so long.

“Huh… well, that sounds dumb. I want whatever my Diamond wants for me, and so should _you,_ ” Jasper replied, pointing a finger at the Pearl’s gem.

The pearl rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, I had a feeling you might say that… call it intuition, or call it that I’ve done this with over _five hundred residents,_ ” she responded, swatting away the hand in front of her. “Look, I don’t understand exactly what happened between you and Steven… but whatever may be wrong with him, he is clearly right that you need distance from him right now. You cannot be free because he tells you to be free, and then just do what you think he would want anyway. That’s-”

“His choice to make, not yours or mine,” Jasper couldn’t help but say.

“-something I don’t expect you to understand right _now_ , but you will,” the Pearl clarified.

“I won’t, and I don’t want to. He has chosen this place for me, and I am to find a life _he_ can be proud of. I may not be allowed to follow where he goes… but I will not stray from the path he has chosen for me!” Jasper declared.

The Pearl remained unphased. “Well, we’ll see…”

Her tone was far too smug. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She smiled. “Well, for one thing, Steven has no preference whatsoever about which building you pick as your home. That choice is _entirely_ yours. Where does that leave you, Jasper?”

That made Jasper pause. “I… I thought he wanted me to stay in the shack…”

“The toolshed? Goodness, no! He wouldn’t want anyone to live in an unwelcoming little shed like that, he’s-”

“Yes?” Jasper interrupted, expectant. Anything about her Diamond would help her make the right decision.

The Pearl seemed to realize as much. “He’s… perfectly fine with whatever you choose, Jasper. Just… not the toolshed. We need that for tools. Ah, that is, _literal_ ones!” she clarified, giggling like she’d said something funny. Then giggles evolved into outright laughter.

Jasper felt her face flushing… the notion of a pearl being able to make jokes she didn’t understand was _infuriating_. But she wasn’t about to ask what it meant. That would be admitting defeat.

Instead, she forced herself to laugh as well. “Hahaha… of course!”

That just made the Pearl laugh more. Jasper tried to match her, but it came out forced and stiff. _It was probably a dumb joke anyway_ , she told herself.

The Pearl kept laughing… as if she wasn’t _loud_ enough already. 

As her outburst died down into the occasional giggle, the Pearl stepped closer to Jasper. Closer than expected, but she wasn’t about to let a pearl get the better of her.

“Oh, Jasper… you truly have no idea. You’re almost _adorable_ , you know that? If it wasn’t for your truly distasteful personality…” the Pearl trailed off, her hand reaching up to twirl a tuft of Jasper’s hair, right by her cheek.

Jasper didn’t know what to do with _that_. She lost her nerve, breaking eye-contact.

As if noticing her discomfort, the Pearl backed off. “Well, not that it matters. I’ve got _far_ better ways to spend my time… Bismuth is waiting for me at the forge, then Amethyst will want me to help her clean up after her baseball game, then, oh! Yes! Volleyball’s poetry recitation…” she listed off, event after event leaving her lips excitedly.

This Pearl was so… _busy_. Attending to so many, as if Jasper was barely a blip on her radar. She’d seen pearls perform before, but never without taking a bow afterwards, or seeming so uncaring about what you thought. 

She’d certainly never had one approach her, touch her, only to threaten to leave like it was no big deal… 

Then, a gasp interrupted her thoughts. “Oh! Right, the issue of housing… do you think you’ll be able to choose one on your own?” the Pearl asked. 

For a moment, Jasper had forgotten all about it. “You said your friend, uh, the Bismuth, would want to build a house for me?”

The Pearl smiled. “Yes!” 

“I guess I’ll do that. If this Bismuth’s a _friend_ of yours, she’s probably a friend of my Diamond…” Jasper mused. It was her best guess at what might please him.

The smile on the Pearl’s face faded as soon as it had appeared. “Ah… well, alright then. I shouldn’t have expected anything else. Go tell that to the receptionist. I really must go… See you later, Jasper.” 

And just like that, she walked away.

* * *

Jasper had told the Lazuli to put in the order for a new house. As was to be expected, it wouldn’t be ready right away - and she’d need to meet with the Bismuth to discuss its appearance. Another decision she was seemingly expected to make on her own… 

Until then, she’d been told to stay in ‘whatever place’ she had. That was the closest to a proper order Jasper had heard all day, so she returned to the shack without another question.

It was still light out. The streets of Little Home _world_ , not school, as the Pearl had said, were busy. She’d passed by gems carrying bats, talking excitedly about a ‘game’ they were to play… One, a Larimar, had the audacity to ask Jasper to join. As if that had anything to do with her mission… 

Naturally, she’d rolled her eyes and kept walking. Jaspers stayed focused. Jaspers did as told. Jaspers opened the door to their tiny, cramped shacks and sunk down on the floor, letting sleep take them until it was time for the next step of their mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Pearl enters the comedy zone. Thanks for reading! As always, I appreciate all comments, criticism and feedback! <3


	4. Lightning

An inhuman scream pierced the skies.

There was no point in trying to sleep during an earthquake. None but minutes had passed between Jasper sitting down to relax, and the ground shaking hard enough to summon her helmet. Reflex.

She rushed outside. Dashing through the settlement, fast as she could. The scream had come in the direction of her Diamond’s base. Instinct was the master of logic, for all lesser beings. Jasper had to see him.

She did, moments later. But Jasper did not recognize her Diamond right away. She was frozen in place at the edge of Little Homeworld - her sight set on the towering, pink behemoth that had dwarfed the horizon. Its eyes were dark and wild. it clung to the temple cliff, mouth agape and groaning.

A corrupted beast. Yet another gem had fallen. How pitiful… but Jasper would not allow it any sympathy. Such creatures were pointless and needed to be disposed of.

A thought held her in place. This beast was far larger than her own body had been, in her most disgraceful, bestial form. Nothing on Earth was this big.

She needed to see its _gem_.

Then, a fusion. It tackled the monster, blinding its eyes. Jasper recognized it with ease - The Crystal Gems, in the form they had taken to defeat her and Lapis. Red, purple and cyan, creating a mockery of an Alexandrite.

Even their combined form was no match for this creature. It slammed them against the cliff and that was it. Defused, they fell. And just like that, the creature turned to face Jasper, its gem revealed in full.

Her _Diamond._

* * *

“And then?” someone asked.

Jasper shrugged. “And then nothing. I stayed where I was. I watched as his friends saved him. I couldn’t allow myself to take another step, not after having been ordered to go away. He was right, after all - he didn’t need me…”

In the moment, she had wanted to step forward. She’d wanted to go to him, find out what he needed, submit herself to him again and-

_“Please, don’t follow me.”_

She absolutely couldn’t. Her Diamond did not need Jasper. He’d been perfectly cognizant when he made that clear. 

He was saved by _them_ : The ones who ran to him. The Crystal Gems, those she had once considered traitors and worse - joined by Peridot, Lapis Lazuli, and a Bismuth. They led him to the ocean and bound him. Even the other Diamonds emerged from the skies. They all hugged him close, embraced his tears and soothed him back to his true form.

The ocean turned pink with his tears. Jasper wanted it to swallow her.

But no matter. She hadn’t allowed herself to defy his order. She was still here on his mission. Her Diamond’s _friends_ had healed him, as he’d surely anticipated they would. Jasper had been useless. She shouldn’t even have left the toolshed - a useless weapon ought to be stored away.

The knowledge that her Diamond relied on others while sending her away was her punishment. That’s what she got for peeking outside her cave.

Her speech was long over… but her audience was still _looking_ at her. Their chairs were arranged in a half-moon fashion - she could see every one of her fellow ‘students’. Each and every face unfamiliar, except their teacher. They all looked at her with useless pity.

“…What? You’re all gawking at me. I’m not _blind_. What is it?”

Nobody replied. As if startled by being confronted, they all averted their gaze, avoided Jasper's eyes. One of the rubies shuffled in her metallic seat. It creaked, loud enough to fill the puny, red building that held their ‘classroom’. 

Finally, the Amethyst runt who led them in their ‘first-day sharing circle’ broke the silence.

“Um… Give it up for Jasper!” she declared, clapping her hands together a few times. Some of the other gems joined in, hesitant.

Needless applause for having done absolutely nothing. 

“Thanks for sharing what’s, uh, been ‘up’ with you lately. That was really… something! Who wants to go next?” she asked. Her smile didn’t mask her discomfort. She wasn’t very good at hiding her feelings, and for a moment, she gave Jasper that pitiful look she hated.

Nobody raised their hand.

The Amethyst didn’t seem to mind. “Okay, that’s cool! I’m never gonna make anyone here do stuff they don’t want - that's lesson one. If you take anything from your first day, it's that asserting your feels is good! Um… let’s take five, then we’ll meet outside. I’ll take everyone to the Big Donut. Y’all up for trying some human food?”

Mutters of agreement, then everyone dispersed, making their way to the door. Jasper stayed in her seat. She knew very well there was no point in trying to socialize with gems who all _pitied_ her, who had all arrived with their own friends... That left only the teacher, who cautiously walked up to her.

“You okay?” the Amethyst asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jasper retorted. A defensive frown on her face, as if accusing the Amethyst.

“Gee, I dunno, maybe because Steven had a meltdown yesterday about how he shattered you, and you’re acting like it’s no big deal?”

What was there to protest? Diamonds did as they wanted. “That’s fine. You and your friends saved my Diamond. As long as he recovers, things are going well," Jasper explained.

“Right so, that’s another reason I’m here. I’ve helped plenty of fucked up gems, but… geez, Jasper. you got shattered by _Steven_ , who is like your Diamond now, and the only thing you seem bummed about is not being able to help him uncorrupt?”

Jasper fixed her gaze at the floor. “I thought that was my purpose. But he doesn’t need me…”

The Amethyst sighed. “You don't get it.” 

Another failure, then. Jasper truly did not understand what the point of anything in her life was. She knew she was here for a reason - had to be - but she could not fathom what. _He_ had ordered her to go away… Surely, there must be a great and worthy reason, for her Diamond to be suffering enough to corrupt, yet decide this was where Jasper should be. But right now, it felt like all his friends were more important to him, and she was busying herself with meaningless talk. 

The Amethyst slumped down in the chair next to Jasper’s. Another metallic creak filled their chamber. “So… Y'know when I stopped visiting your cave, like... I wanna say about three months after we healed ya and all the other corrupted gems?” she asked.

“Yes, it was a great relief.” Jasper responded in earnest. 

The Amethyst rolled her eyes. “…Anyway! I did that in part because you really didn't seem to _want_ help, I don't wanna force gems into something they don't want, and it was kind of a bummer to keep trying so hard only to have you ignore me every time... but also because I could see how much it was hurting Steven that he couldn’t help you. I just wanted him to chillax, do whatever, put himself first… but he couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was really bad for him. He felt like it was his fault and it wasn’t.”

“That’s a shame. A Diamond is never at fault.” Jasper agreed; it was common sense. There was comfort in seeing how earnestly her Diamond wished for her to find purpose. Even now, he was trying to make Jasper understand her role. She was the one who was _failing_ to understand. She had always thought Quartzes existed to protect their Diamonds, and yet...

The Amethyst seemed to take offense to her response. “No, dumbass. The point is that you and him are the exact freakin’ same!”

“ _What?_ ” Surely even the Amethyst wouldn’t be so insolent and naive as to call Jasper equal to a Diamond. Teacher or not, Jasper would not put up with such disgraceful talk.

“Ugh, I hate being all psycho-analysis… but you two are almost identical. You can’t stop obsessing over how you need to be useful and needed all the time. That’s why he corrupted! That’s why you corrupted!“ the Amethyst declared, pointing right at Jasper’s gem. Jasper was about to respond in anger, but the Amethyst put a hand up signaling she was still explaining: “You’re both always thinking of how great it is to sacrifice yourself for someone, or how you need to be these really good people to _deserve_ help, as if it’s the rays of sunshine who need help the most - it’s not! It’s the fuckups who need help! That’s what you both are, and you don’t realize how much rejecting that help sucks for everyone who cares about you!”

Jasper rolled her eyes. This gem had nerve, challenging the authority of her Diamond in such a crude manner. “Don’t lie to yourself, runt. You don’t know me. You are here because it is your job to be. My _Diamond_ made this place, he has shown great care in crafting my destiny. Gems like you only help gems like me because it makes you feel good about yourself…”

“Fine, whatever, good job being all ruthlessly honest! I’m a selfish, self-obsessed runt who is only doing this for my own validation, to protect my own fee-fees without actually giving a damn what happens to you. I just wanna prove how great I am. Let’s say all of that is true - How are you any different?”

That, Jasper could answer. “I’d die for my Diamond. I would-”

“Dude, you did! You _literally_ died! It’s a damn miracle you’re back and you’re just like, business as usual. Better obey my diamond and have no freakin’ humanity whatsoever, just another day at the factory for ol’ Jasper!”

“I don’t need any _humanity_. I’m not human.”

The Amethyst groaned, much louder than before. Jasper winced at the sound. The Amethyst seemed to notice, softening her tone. “Ah, shit sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you - but that is really, _really_ not the point. I just… I thought you wanted to try listening to me. Why didn’t you tell me Steven shattered you?”

That had perhaps been a miscalculation on Jasper's part. “I thought it was none of your business. I realize now that you had your role to play… saving your Diamond is a great honor. He must’ve known exactly how it all would happen, who he needed to protect and soothe him… even if I had no part in it.”

The Amethyst sighed. She took a breath before replying, perhaps to restrain herself. “Stop. Please. Just tell me one thing you feel about all of... _this_ that isn’t about your Diamond.” At the word 'this', she gestured vaguely to the room around them, and to Jasper herself.

“Why?” Jasper asked.

“I’ll kick you out of class if you don’t.”

 _Ah_ , Jasper thought. _So she knew how to make a threat._

“I need to see some kind of _life_ in you, dude. You used to look so much better than me, then I thought you were just sad and lonely, and now… I kinda miss that. At least it’s not _this_. At least I wasn’t talking to a robot who would jump off a bridge if Steven told her to,” the Amethyst explained, her last sentence tinged with bitterness.

Jasper would. Was there anything else worth living for? As far as she knew - as far as she _needed_ to know, she corrected herself - of course there wasn’t. Any feelings she had outside her purpose were void and useless.

“Please don’t live just for his sake, Jasper...” the Amethyst insisted.

Disappointing. She was still on with this nonsense. “Don’t tell me that.”

“I’m your teacher, dude! Aren’t I supposed to like, guide you in your new life as an actually cool person? Isn’t that what you want or something?”

“I do. That’s why I am grateful you helped my Diamond… _Amethyst._ ” Jasper said, emphasizing her name. It was strange to say without insult. In soothing her Diamond from his monstrous form, Amethyst had earned enough respect to be referred to as an individual. She’d honored herself beyond what was expected of her station. 

The smaller quartz didn’t seem to feel honored. “No! That’s not how I want you to be! You don’t - you don’t _need_ to call me Amethyst, I can deal with being called a runt or weakling or whatever. I don’t want you to respect me because of _this_ …” her voice trailed off at the end, sounding frail. “Please… just one real feeling. Anything.”

It was something akin to an extinguished flame, hearing her so defeated. Maybe Jasper had finally gotten her to see reason.

If that were the case, she had nothing more to say. Perhaps other teachers would be more helpful. If this was all Amethyst could offer, it may be for the best if she got kicked out of her class. “Thank you for the lesson,” Jasper said, reaching up to rip down the 'Welcome New Students!’ banner hanging overhead. She turned to leave.

No response.

Jasper started walking away. For each step she took, she felt Amethyst’s eyes on her back. She walked slowly, like she was waiting for something. Something like the urgency that had possessed Amethyst when she’d rushed to her shack early this morning, but a day after her Diamond had corrupted, telling Jasper to get up and come to class.

Amethyst’s eyes had been on fire. Sheer determination, like the knowledge of her shattering had reinvigorated her desire to ‘help’. Like she’d decided to refuse to give up on her... That fire was gone now. Without it, Jasper didn’t know what to do next. Would failing her class be enough to fail overall? Would she disappoint her Diamond by refusing Amethyst’s request?

It was too much of a risk. Damn it. 

Jasper stopped in the doorway and turned to face Amethyst. “…Lightning.” she said.

“Lightning?” the smaller quartz asked, lifting her head. 

“That’s it. Lightning is the last thing I saw before I was in pieces.”

“Oh…” Amethyst responded. “How did the lightning make you feel?”

That was not an easy question. Right now, she knew for certain that it felt… demeaning, revealing herself like this. But if it was for her Diamond, Jasper would endure it. Now she just had to find the words for how she ‘felt’… 

“It was bright. It had been raining and thundering for a while, but that flashing light was the first one I noticed. It split the sky apart the same instance I was split apart.”

“That’s a _description_ , not a feeling,” Amethyst protested. 

She was right, of course - she had caught Jasper instantly in her attempt at stalling for a proper answer. A word came to mind, but she did not think it was the one Amethyst wanted to hear. It was horribly ironic. 

Jasper chuckled. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” Amethyst insisted. A _challenge_. Her quarry would not yield without an honest answer. 

_Fine_ , Jasper decided. As if pulling a veil aside for but a brief moment, she would let Amethyst see a glimpse of what laid within her cave: “Alive. I felt alive.”

Jasper was right. Amethyst seemed not to understand. But the look in her eyes wasn’t pity anymore. 

Jasper decided to elaborate. “Another time, when I was walking along the ocean floor. I heard the thunder above me. When I rose from the water… The lightning crackled perfectly. It felt like we were _one_. I was alive.”

Jasper knew the concept of destiny well. It was reassurance; her Diamond’s plans above all. The cosmic making sense before her… striking with purpose. Power with a narrative. The lightning was a part of that. It was a part of _her_. 

“There’s your answer, Amethyst. I felt like lightning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Finals slowed me down for a bit, from here on out it's full steam ahead :) As usual, I appreciate comments a great deal! <3


	5. How to Decide Stuff for Yourself 101

“31 options. Pick one.”

“Does my-” Jasper tried to ask.

“Steven usually orders something different every time,” Amethyst interrupted. She tapped Jasper’s thigh twice in succession. “So you can’t pray to him for guidance or whatever in here, big gal. Go with your nose.”

Jasper’s gem was currently level with option number seven on the menu. True to her word, Amethyst had taken the class to the ‘Big Donut’ after their chat.

Every new student had been made to order something by themselves. Some had struggled more than others, but none had stood in front of the line longer than Jasper. “Fine. I pick, uh, option seven. Unless-”

“He doesn’t hate strawberry-glazed donuts. Just go with that. He really, _truly_ does not care what flavor donut you pick.” Amethyst interrupted.

“…Will it be a waste of his resources to even get one?” Jasper asked. 

“Nah, I’m paying. Well, Pearl is… Actually, Greg."

“What is the purpose of a do-”

“One dozen strawberry-glazed donuts, please!” Amethyst said to the purple-clad human behind the counter. Moments later, they scrambled into motion and produced a frail bag which, supposedly, contained a ‘glaze’ of the _fragaria_ genus.

Amethyst took it in exchange for what looked like ‘grass’ of some unknown sort. She then patted Jasper’s side. She pointed at the door, as if asking her to follow.

Jasper looked towards the crowd of students, all sitting together, some hesitantly biting into their ‘donuts’… then back at Amethyst, as if asking if she should bring them along. Amethyst shook her head. “I just wanna talk for a bit.”

* * *

The evening came with quiet in the little human town. The ocean’s waves lapped at the sandy shore, providing continuous background noise as Amethyst sat at the edge of the pier. She patted the stone pavement next to her - an invitation Jasper would take.

“So. How you feeling, being so close to the Temple?” Amethyst asked, her head tilting leftwards towards the chambers that housed Jasper’s Diamond. “Is it, uh… like _lightning_ , again? Like you’re close to your destiny or something?”

Jasper turned her head in the same direction, recalling the beast her Diamond had become… “I know he’s alright now. Surely, he has everything under control, as a Diamond would. He knows better than anyone what he needs. But I wish I could go there… I’d like to report to him.”

Amethyst fixed her gaze to the sea. “I thought you might, yeah…” She looked into the waters for several long seconds, searching for something. She seemed to find it moments later: “What the heck, cold turkey isn’t for everyone. I’ll tell you a secret; I’m actually going to see him after this. He’s been…” she paused to find the right word. “Chilling. Eating a lot of ice cream, meditating with Garnet, cuddling Connie… Do you wanna visit?”

Jasper had to resist such temptation. “No. I can’t.”

“Huh. Okay, uh… you’re welcome for trying to cheer you up, I guess,” Amethyst grumbled. She took a ‘donut’ out of her bag and put it in her mouth, chewing loudly. She offered the bag to Jasper, who took one herself. She decided to try a ‘bite’, but the flavor was far too sweet. She spit it out.

Amethyst made a disappointed grimace. Jasper was more or less used to the smaller quartz taking such things _personally_ at this point. “You know why. You were there. He gave me an order, to - to do something _better_. I cannot report before I’ve fulfilled my mission.”

A familiar spark lit in Amethyst’s eyes, and she smiled. “Oh yeah - he asked about you! That was one of the first things he did, after we got him back to - well, what’s left of the house. I told him you were at Little Homeworld. That got him pretty hype!”

Jasper could imagine his smile. It was a nice thought, to earn his pride, even if the credit was all his. “I am merely obeying my Diamond.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t tell him _that_ part. I just said you showed up and decided to stay. And before you say I’m lying to your Diamond or whatever, it’s not a lie. I just don’t think he needs any more _responsibility_ right now, you feel? He’s got a lot on his mind. It would be… better, if he’s not worried about you right now.”

A flawed report. Jasper did not understand the harm in emphasizing her obedience, but she would not intervene. Not like she could, anyway, as reporting to her Diamond would be breaking protocol. “A Diamond always comes first.”

“No, he comes first because I love the lil’ guy more than anything.”

Jasper saw no difference. “So you agree, then. He is your Diamond.”

“Yikes. You’re gonna make me regret not kicking you out of class, dude.”

* * *

The stars above Jasper were endless. As were the ones beneath her.

She was neither floating nor walking, she just seemed to exist in this place. She laid completely still. As if she were yet another star in this boundless, endless sky… as if there was nothing _but_ sky. An endless void stretched before her.

All the other stars were still as well. Except one. Something was falling. But it was a gem, not a star - bright, brilliant, and burning. Something was trapped inside it. A crying monster, trying to break its cage.

Jasper tried to reach for it… but it was too far away. She tried to call for help, but she did not have a voice. She tried to cry, but there were no tears in this place.

“Do you see it?”

Jasper turned. She was no longer part of the sky, but gazing up at it, side by side with a large, beautiful someone. They were sitting together in the grass, in the middle of a rose garden.

This someone… looked like an empress. Her hair was longer than her entire body. It was powder pink, as pale as Jasper’s own. Her skin a light fuchsia. She had not once turned to face Jasper. Her eye was fixed on the monster trapped inside the crystal. She spoke once more, but she sounded as if far away:

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”

* * *

Jasper awoke to a knock on her door. Then another one. The rasp was gentle - a hand which produced such a sound was far too careful to belong to Amethyst. Jasper could hear lithe feet shifting outside her door; a familiar movement pattern. It was the Pearl.

Opening the door, the Pearl was indeed outside her little shack - looking down, fiddling with her hands. Long fingers meeting only to brush against one another, curl, scrape, uncurl and repeat the process with no sense of rhythm or order.

As if startled, the Pearl looked up. Jasper found herself wondering many times she had knocked before receiving an answer.

“Jasper…” the Pearl said. Her voice gave the slightest of tremble, drawing no parallel to her confidence but two days before. No, it wasn’t just her voice. Her whole form, when one paid attention to it, was unsteady. As if the slightest of quivers was emanating from her very core. She was trying to contain it, but it was not a perfect performance.

Jasper had expected such fragility from a Pearl… just not _this_ Pearl.

What was worse, she was looking at Jasper with the same kind of _concern_ she had received in Amethyst’s ‘class’. This Pearl’s emotion, despite making her look so much like the stereotype of the most helpless class of gems, was not normal. It was not for herself or a Diamond - it was for Jasper.

“That’s me,” Jasper responded. An attempt at being casual. She found herself trusting the Pearl would understand she was giving her an out - if she could pull herself together, Jasper would not shame her for her emotional display. “Did you come here just to stare?”

“Oh no, of course not! How silly - it’s just…” the Pearl tried, but it was a struggle. Her eyes traveled to Jasper’s gem, and there they stayed. Her expression became but a shade more distressed. Jasper wanted to cover her face. “I wanted to see you, because, well, I just - I realized I wouldn’t feel comfortable until I did, you see,” the Pearl said. She was avoiding why, but the subject matter was obvious.

It seemed Jasper’s Diamond had told everyone what happened in that forest.

“Right. Well… here I am, the _living_ proof. Happy?” Jasper asked. She emphasized the pun, deliberately so, hoping the Pearl would notice. Maybe even stop staring at her gem. The last thing Jasper needed right now was yet another person looking at her like some fragile, defenseless victim… Beyond humiliating, it was like they expected her to act like one.

Worse yet was having a Pearl see her that way. Especially this one, who seemed determined to bother Jasper as much as possible. Case and point, wasting her time: “Of course I am! I’m perfectly fine, that’s not the issue…”

Jasper clenched her teeth. “Then what is? Aren’t we done here? You’ve seen me, staring shamelessly at my gem half the time. It seems gems like you do whatever you please, searching for no one’s satisfaction but your own… If you got what you wanted, why don’t you just _leave_?” Jasper asked, a snarl at the back of her throat. She stepped forward, a show of intimidation. It forced Pearl to take a step back.

The Pearl looked as if struck. Truly an opposite of the creature Jasper had dealt with last time they met. The silent distress on her face tempting to boil over into tears… which, frankly, was the last thing Jasper needed. She would not manage a Pearl’s emotions for her. When the smaller gem didn’t summon an answer right away, Jasper decided that was the end of it. She turned around and slammed the door behind her.

“Wait!” the Pearl called out, right as the door shut. She knocked again, more fervently than before. Jasper wanted to ignore it, but she knew there would be no chance to sleep if this onslaught continued. She opened the door again, willing her own face into an annoyed grimace.

To Jasper’s surprise, the Pearl took a new tone: “I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have stared. I’ve never, ever - ah, I’m sorry, I’m blabbering. This is my fault, but you probably want me out of here, don’t you? I can’t blame you - I was very dismissive of you last time. I didn’t realize, that he… that you… I should have… I had no idea…” her voice seemed to falter the more she tried to speak.

“It’s fine. _I’m_ fine, as you can clearly see.” Jasper insisted. Would she need to reassure every gem in this town that she wasn’t pathetic?

Still, Jasper hadn’t expected an apology. Not from this gem. The Pearl seemed to be _trying_ , despite her melodramatic display. It made Jasper regret some of her own bluster… A voice within her reminded her that the Pearl, too, must be concerned for their Diamond. It was to be expected that she couldn’t keep her emotions in check.

Jasper decided to remind her of the correct priorities: “You shouldn’t concern yourself with me right now - not after what our Diamond has been through. I’m not so fragile as to cry over some _broken shards_.”

The Pearl let out a nervous laugh. “Haha! Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to laugh, i-it was just funny… Oh, I’m sorry again…” she admitted, covering her mouth. She wiped away stray wetness by her eye that hadn’t quite become a tear.

Jasper smirked. She’d made the Pearl laugh on _purpose_? That wasn’t a bad feeling. It certainly felt better than last time, when the Pearl seemed to always be in on some joke she refused to share. That alone made the melodic sound almost… tolerable.

As the Pearl’s laugh found its natural end, a tense silence filled the space between them. The Pearl drew a breath as if to speak, then stopped herself. Her hands joined together awkwardly, rubbing against one another. A nervous habit. Her intent seemed strange and difficult to discern - she seemed eager to speak, yet like she would rather not.

Jasper couldn’t take it anymore. “What is it?”

The Pearl took a breath. “The last time we met, I was intent on treating you like any student. I would simply enroll you in my course on human technology without fuss, you would pass through and I’d think nothing of it. I would’ve been great! I'd get to flex my superior experience while making you reassess your priorities for being taught by a Pearl. I’d enjoy that. I’d _love_ it. And maybe I’ll still get to do that. But now, it’s… I suppose it’s different now, isn’t it?" the Pearl asked, giving Jasper a smile which held nothing short of misery.

Jasper couldn’t quite understand why. Surely, she could not be the first shattered gem to attend their school. She _knew_ she wasn’t the first corrupted. “Why?”

“Would you like to take this conversation somewhere else? I don’t know if this is quite the place…” the Pearl asked, looking around at the various gems that passed them by.

Jasper nodded in agreement. She would rather not be made to discuss in the open, and she doubted such a disobedient gem would allow her to simply go back to sleep. They walked to the warp pad in silence, and the Pearl took Jasper to a new place.

* * *

Moments later, they felt the crystalline thud of a new warp beneath their feet. Jasper realized within seconds they were no longer on Earth.

There was no oxygen around them. The Pearl had taken Jasper to a beach-like setting, sand which seemed to stretch on forever, meeting a still, windless ocean… but this beach was not like any Jasper had known: The water was the deep purple of an Amethyst, the sand colorless and iridescent, like silver pearls. The water’s twinkle reflected only the stars above, it housed not a single wave nor ripple.

Unlike the Earth’s beaches, the sand here held a sparse amount of thin, tree-like structures which seemed to be of sand themselves, yet the lack of wind - nay, of _life_ \- left them intact and undisturbed. They were silver too. Puny. None taller than Jasper’s waist. From them blossomed triangular growths in every direction, resembling the ‘grass’ that grew on the Earth’s trees.There was, however, a crucial difference - these growths were neither green, pliant nor organic. Instead, hard, reflective crystalline surfaces stuck out, like eternal mirrors of glass, imitating fleeting life. Their reflection displayed a Jasper’s face in disarray as she passed them by.

The only familiar feature was the color of the sky above; as pitch-black as the Earth’s nights. Still, the stars were _wrong_ \- there was not a single one Jasper recognized. Not even Homeworld’s galaxy was within sight.

The Pearl held her hand out for Jasper to take, who allowed the gesture. The sensation was cold, but comfortably so, as she was guided from the warp pad and her boots met the soft sand beneath.

As they walked, Jasper was filled with a sense of certainty this was the furthest they could walk from their world, or anyone who knew them.

And yet. Something was familiar. As Jasper gazed at the stars above, a moment's flicker within her mind allowed her to see that pale, pink hair for but a second. As if, even though she did not know this place, _something_ within her did.

The Pearl stopped, taking in the view of the ocean. “What do you think - Do you like this place? I think it’s appropriately solitary and peaceful… but we can go somewhere else, if not.”

That’s not the question Jasper had expected. “I don’t know… What’s there to like? Does it serve a purpose for our Diamond?” she asked. Her assumption would be yes, since there was a warp here in the first place.

The Pearl shook her head. She walked a little further, along the edge of the water. “Not exactly. It was supposed to be a colony once, but it was decided that it held far too few resources to be worth the effort. Its surface is almost entirely ocean - 99.5%, in fact - and the crust too weak and frail for gem production… the few islands we could find were nothing but beaches, same as this one.”

“A useless place, then,” Jasper condemned it. Oceans were good for nothing but scraping nacre for Pearls, and no Homeworld gem within their right mind would come down to a new planet’s surface _just_ for that.

“Rose didn’t think so,” the Pearl stated.

And with those words, she’d trapped Jasper. She shut her mouth without question - permission to judge this place was _revoked_. 

“A thousand years before we came to Earth, this place looked exactly the same. Crystal trees, a silver beach, the purple sea… It's all the same. It's like being in the past, like a reminder of what everything used to be. Perhaps even what I used to be. Being young… being, well - perhaps not idealistic, but purposeful?” and with that, the Pearl glanced sideways and her eye caught Jasper’s. That blue seemed intent to bore into her very core. The intensity of it made Jasper take a step back.

“Oh dear, I’ve made you uncomfortable,” the Pearl stated. It wasn’t a question. “I’m terribly sorry, I was rambling again. We can go somewhere else.”

“Like where?” Jasper asked.

The Pearl seemed to sense an opportunity in that. “You should decide. You have an entire universe to explore, Jasper. Surely there’s somewhere you’d like to go, right?”

“Only where my Diamond tells me to go,” Jasper stated as fact.

The Pearl sighed. “You’re as obedient as any Quartz… but there's always hope. There’s always _something_ soldiers hope for at the end of the battlefield. Do you mind if I try to find you?”

Jasper’s eyebrows furrowed. The very idea was insulting. "I am not here for _rewards_. I am not like those common soldiers who are more concerned with their own praise than earning it. I exist for my Diamond, and nothing else." 

Pearl didn't look surprised. "Oh, you poor thing, it must be difficult for you to access your feelings..." she said with a sigh. Then, her eyes lit up like she had a realization: "But, but you stayed on Earth after Yellow Diamond disbanded her armies! Surely, there must be something that kept you here!"

"I stayed because I had nowhere else to go. There was no point in going anywhere. There was no point in doing anything. Eventually, I'd just..." Jasper didn't know what she would do. If the centuries turned to millennia and nothing gave her meaning, perhaps she'd just end her own gem. If that was possible. Do whatever she could to cease to exist.

The Pearl’s expression fell. She turned her eyes downward with it, watching her own reflection below. “I see. Oh dear, I... I must repeat that I don’t think it was right of me to treat you like just another student before. I think you may be someone I did not understand until, well, until Steven said… how you… how he…”

“How he shattered me,” Jasper finished for her. As casual as before. Something about that seemed to distress the Pearl. 

Jasper was about to reassure the poor thing that shattering was nothing to Jasper. That it brought her no shame or pain for her Diamond to have taken her from the world. That he had SHOWN her his strength. That she was ready to serve him.

But the Pearl beat her to it: “You didn’t mind at all, did you?” she asked.

Her tone was that of a question, but it didn’t seem to be a question. That miserable smile from before had found its way back on her face - one that spoke she already knew the answer. She understood perfectly.

This time, Jasper felt struck. Of all the strange things that had happened these days, of everything she had not expected… the very strangest of them all was to hear a Pearl know how she felt. To see Jasper as she was - and with a demeanor of familiarity, not of horror.

The Pearl stepped closer, eyes locked with Jasper’s. “Of course you didn't mind… he overpowered you fairly. You’d do anything for him, and you’re still just here for his sake. I bet you’ve gotten nothing out of Amethyst’s class.”

Jasper was compelled to honesty. “It’s been useless.”

“I know. But you’re going to keep trying for him, aren’t you?” The Pearl asked. The emotion in her voice felt like _recognition_ , not pity. 

“Yes, Pearl.”

Jasper decided to make individual respect for this strange Pearl - nay, this strange Gem, official. She was not like other Pearls. Not only in her odd, provocative demeanor, but her knowledge was far greater than their puny minds permitted. She must’ve been created _special_ , like herself. Jasper had assumed she had merely followed the others’ leads in saving their Diamond, like any Pearl would… but this proved that wrong. This took initiative. This took _understanding_. By some strange quirk of fate, a lowly pearl understood Jasper’s priorities with greater ease than the others did. Unlike Amethyst, she did not seem to find them alien.

And then, Pearl’s arms were around her. She pressed her face against the space between Jasper’s chest and her arm. “I’m sorry… what a mess this is. I think I’ve already failed you. I don’t know what I could possibly say to help. You were hurt - by him, by us - but you’re not even ready to care about what happens to you. I can only say I’m sorry.”

As she withdrew, Pearl's lithe hand lifted to stroke Jasper’s cheek. It was not affection per se - it was closer to the kind of absent-minded touches one may engage in while trying to grasp what one is looking at. Yet Pearl _knew_ what she was looking at. “I thought you would be like the zoo quartzes, but you’re like me. I don’t know what to do with you, Jasper. My class may make you appreciate humans more, but I don’t think it will make you appreciate _yourself_ more.”

What a strange thing to say. “Myself?”

Pearl paused and bit her lip. Her eyes strayed towards the sea, then found Jasper’s again. “I don't know where to begin with you... It usually starts with trying to assess your interests - but you don't seem ready for that, so I doubt this will help. I suppose I'll try: What do you find fun, Jasper? What do you find interesting?”

“Doing things with purpose, for my Diamond, is… fun.” Jasper tried. It did not seem like what Pearl was asking. Fun was not the right word, but Jasper did not understand what else she could say.

Pearl was not put off. She was still trying to ‘find’ Jasper. “Of course. What do you do when you’re not in class?”

An easy question, for once. “I am in my shack. I wait for my next mission.”

Pearl nodded. “Sounds about right... but there's so much time for yourself. I used to read old log reports. What do you do? Stare at the wall?”

“I sleep. Like my Diamond would do, when he was not training,” Jasper replied. Though, in fairness, that was more of an after-the-fact justification. Jasper had been sleeping for longer than he had. It took her mind off things, when she was not working.

Lately, though, _something_ had happened as Jasper slept. Visions that faded in and out of view, out of memory. Pale pink hair swirled in her mind. Perhaps this strange Pearl, who knew many things, would know what it meant: “Sometimes, I see... someone, when I’m not awake.”

Pearl tilted her head. “Who do you see?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Have a lovely day. As always, I appreciate all comments and feedback! <3


	6. Restraint

_“Who do you see?”_

Jasper looked to the stars. They didn’t yield anything not already inside her. Pink hair swirled within her gem, as if caught in an endless wind. But that was all. No face, no voice, no name. Pearl’s smile was an attempt at encouragement. It was no help. “I don’t know. It’s not like I _know_ her. I wasn’t the only soldier who slept. Many would have visions - and those would be nonsense. Don’t think I don’t know that. It’s just…”

Jasper held her tongue. Clicked it. How do you describe the nameless? She felt cold hands cup her face and found them to be Pearl’s. She closed her eyes and found something else - warm hands cupping her whole form. Forms. Broken. The shards of her gem. A comfort for fragmented little things.

“Well, if you don’t know, that’s alright, Jasper.” Pearl said. Her voice was calm, practiced. What you would hear from the type of manager who, for whatever reason, believed you would perform better from encouragement than punishment. Her voice must have calmed many students.

 _Voice_. If Jasper focused on only one aspect, it may come to her. No face, no name. Nothing but a voice… the hands around her shards held her with care. But she did not need hands. She needed to HEAR her. She knew how it had felt. She recalled its tone; drained, apologetic, hopeless -

_“If you don’t leave, you’d die without ever seeing the outside of your little cavern.”_

Jasper repeated those words in her mind as soon as they came to her. She trapped them in her. She had to remember; keep thinking it. The presence in Jasper’s dreams was not familiar, but her words, however vague, seemed tailored for her. She had had a cave, as the voice knew. It had urged her out. That’s what her Diamond had begged for, too… both literally and, in a sense, not. “She seemed to know _me_.”

Pearl didn’t miss a beat. “Well, that’s hardly surprising. Humans call it _dreams_!” She moved those hands away from Jasper’s face, so excitable she almost bonked Jasper’s gem. She then placed a slender hand on her own chest. “I once had one myself, which seemed uncomfortably familiar with my mind… however, I was assured to know it was merely the product of my own subconscious!” she explained, her hands still _fussing_ in tandem with her words.

Jasper felt silly for asking, as naive and unknowing as if sitting before a wise gem of Blue’s court to learn the future. It was a Pearl, for the stars’ sake. But a different one. “Can you tell me what it means?”

Pearl shrugged. “Well, you’d have to tell me more. Like your own interpretation! Do you think it reflected some known desire of yours?”

Jasper shook her head. The voice reminded her of the wishes of her Diamond, which she did not fully understand. It was no independent thought. Not like Jasper should have that - any will she had should be towards service and protection. The only reason to escape a cavern would be for her Diamond’s sake. “No. That is not what I was made for. I don’t know anything about _desire_.”

“That’s alright, Jasper, I don’t expect you to know such things. Do you remember anything else? You know I don’t ask to pry, it’s just-”

“Yeah yeah, I know,” Jasper interrupted. She didn’t say it to _insult_ Pearl, but she also didn’t need another tangent. Her question was well-chosen, and that was all the prompting Jasper needed. A form teased her mind - the hands that had held her shards were pink, too. A deeper shade than the hair. She saw an array of pinks in her dress. But this form revealed no gemstone. Was it even a gem?

“She was… big, I think. Long, pink hair. Real pale, like my Diamond’s feline companion. Not like your…” Jasper hesitated. She would have to refer to her with her chosen name: “Rose.”

Pearl’s eyes widened on cue. Jasper rolled her eyes. “I said _not_ like her. The body’s hue is wrong, the hair color as well. It’s not even curly. It was feathered, like my own… but nicer. I didn’t see a gem. What kind of Diamond would hide their own gem?”

This time, Pearl missed a beat. Her composure was slipping again - far too much emotion in those eyes. Then a smile, but melancholy. Too familiar. Too bittersweet. An unwelcome hand placed itself on her shoulder. “Jasper…”

Jasper shrugged it away. “No, it wasn’t her. She didn’t look like her, I told you-”

Pearl refused to yield. She placed her hands back on Jasper’s cheeks. They felt colder this time. “But you _know_ Pink Diamond had paler hair once.”

“Yes, but…” it wasn’t her. It couldn’t be. 

That was all the confirmation Pearl needed to be presumptive. “Then, perhaps your subconscious is mixing the two together. That would make an awful lot of sense… Oh Jasper, I know how you feel. She must be a big part of your mmmh-”

Jasper put a hand over Pearl’s mouth to shut her up. “No, she _isn’t_. I have him now. I don’t need to dwell on her. It does him no good.” Jasper could not halt herself. Pearl was overstepping, and it needed to stop. It was wrong to dwell on things that were not her Diamond’s. Jasper released Pearl’s mouth from her grasp, hoping she finally took no for an answer.

Pearl opened her mouth as soon as she could, as if to push on. She’d been about to, but didn’t. A moment passed. She rubbed her fingers together. Then, she did speak, but in a calmer tone: “Alright, you don’t have to tell me anything. I understand. She’s nothing to you now. You’ve completely moved past her, right?”

Pearl was right. Jasper knew - she had told herself the same thing over and over again. Yet she would not nod. She would not unclench her fists. She needed to respond. Any pause would reveal weakness which should not exist. Pearl’s tone was _knowing_ , like she was expecting to catch Jasper in protest. 

Pearl’s insight didn’t feel like wisdom this time. It felt like mockery. Like an attempt to invade her mind, uninvited. Jasper would give her no such pleasure: “…Right.”

Jasper couldn’t tell if Pearl believed that answer. At the very least, she was smart enough to allow the subject to pass. “Well, _whoever_ it is, let’s not worry about her identity. I can see you don’t want to. Let’s think about why you keep dreaming about the same person.” Pearl’s gem whirred to life and she pulled out an earth ‘book’. Jasper couldn’t read the language on the cover. “It’s likely this person lingers in your subconscious.”

“How can someone I’ve never met, which I _haven’t_ , live in my…” Jasper knew what that last word meant. She wasn’t stupid. She just hadn’t said it out loud before. “Mind?”

Pearl paced as she flipped between pages. “I don’t know… Humans aren’t quite sure why they dream. They have theories, but not answers. I know, it seems ridiculous, they’re biological beings! They _all_ do it, they should’ve figured it out by now - but they also need to ‘eat’ every day, and most don’t even survive their first century! You can’t be too hard on them. Even if they did know, it’s uncertain if the biological mechanics of human dreams would necessarily apply to us, so-”

“So you know nothing,” Jasper interrupted. Pearl ceased her pacing. Amber eyes lost light blue and found the ground. Jasper had let herself hope this would help her find meaning, but such a riddle was outside even this Pearl’s strange wisdom.

Jasper slumped down, sat herself at the edge of the shallow, violet water. Though it had not been touched in many millennia, it yielded and rippled as simply and effortlessly as the Earth’s familiar seas. 

She closed her eyes. Shining, whirling hair was still right there. She could envision that entire, flowing mane. The tips of it shone like the stars above. 

“Oh, well… well, let’s not give up right away! Sure, we can exclude Rose, who, of course, you have perfectly moved past, but there could be other explanations,” Pearl suggested from behind. Jasper would not meet her face. She could hear her flip pages frantically. 

Pearl was still looking for a way to help? It was an honorable gesture. No… honorable wasn’t the right word, Jasper thought. It was something else.

Purpose was a strange friend. It was right of Jasper to find meaning in her every action, or she may as well not exist. It was right to try to understand why things happened, why the Diamonds had laid it out that way… why the Diamonds would design her mind to receive these visions. But purpose was never something Jasper could fully understand. She existed to serve, but she could not see clearly what her Diamond wanted from her. She could only glimpse beyond the veil. Perhaps the cave, the idea of a cave she was still trapped within, was nothing but nonsense - a fiction she had designed herself.

Jasper heard the book close. Pearl bending to place it on the ground. She stayed low like that, close behind Jasper. She could hear the movements of her body. Pearl’s left hand had reached out for a moment, almost touching Jasper’s hair. It stopped itself just short. Then retreated. Jasper heard the slight, wet pop of Pearl’s lips parting. The sound made her bite her own lip. 

“You know… Well, I don’t suppose you know this, but it may interest you - Steven would have dreams that, for whatever reason, sometimes reflected communication with someone. A _real_ someone, a real connection to another person’s consciousness. Have you ever thought you might have a similar power?” Pearl asked.

Her Diamond’s power? That would be an honor, but it was not befitting of Jasper. “No. My dreams before these last nights were as foolish and nonsensical as any gem’s. As is _right_. No one is as extraordinarily gifted as he. I am nothing compared to my Diamond,” she affirmed. 

As one could anticipate, Pearl did not like such talk. She stood up and, as expected, made an unnecessary speech to correct Jasper’s (correct) statement: “Jasper… I know you may not accept this, but Steven is truly not all-powerful. I’ve seen him grow. He started out weak! Perfectly infantile!”

This was not news. Jasper herself had knocked him out once (though that had not been a proper fight). As if giving her rebuttal _importance_ , Jasper stood and turned to face Pearl. “My Diamond was a Diamond all along. He just needed to _know_ it. Once he knew himself, he stopped holding back. I saw him for who he was. His lot in life is strength.”

Pearl’s expression was defiant. “You’re wrong. _That_ was not strength. That was the weakest he’s ever been. Strength is about more than power. Restraint is a necessary part of true strength. Back when Steven was a baby - when he was new - I could’ve killed him. I almost _did_ , but I-”

Jasper’s eyes widened. “You almost _what_?”

Something broke in that moment. Pearl gasped and covered her mouth, as if it would unsay her words. “Oh no, I mean… I wouldn’t, I love him very much! Well, there was a time I thought Rose was merely trapped inside him, and I thought I could - and a few other times where I almost - but those were accidents!”

Jasper was unmoved. Pearl turned to flee, but Jasper was quicker. She grabbed Pearl by her jacket. She held her up to her own height. The smaller gem gasped. She was a lightweight, hardly demanding Jasper’s little finger to lift. “I will not permit a Pearl to be _unrestrained_ around my Diamond. Not even you. If even a small part of you believes you could ever hurt him - even on accident - you are _never_ to see him again.”

Most sacred of all was a quartz’ duty to protect her Diamond. That overrode any familiarity between them, anything resembling camaraderie. She would sever that thread as easily as if it were a snare around her foot, attempting to trip her. 

She would shatter Pearl on the spot if it would keep her Diamond safe.

Pearl knew as much. She struggled in Jasper’s grasp, attempting to use her puny hands to unclench her fists from her jacket. “Jasper… Jasper! Be logical about this! I was merely saying that, like yourself, there was a time where I could have overpowered him. He was so fragile back then… You must know this, humans grow - there’s no chance I could kill him _now_. I don’t think anyone could. He’s barely able to control himself. I was able to restrain myself then because - because I respected Rose’s wishes, but now, restraint is something he must learn. I can’t hurt him - not more than I already have… I may not be some perfect guardian, but I am _not_ a threat to my baby!”

If Jasper gave it thought, that was rational. There was no stopping the power he had shown her. Jasper herself could not defeat the Diamond he had become. Her mind traveled to the beast she had seen, to pink claws, to dark, glowing eyes… No feat of strength could hold that back. 

Jasper was about to allow Pearl back on the ground. She hesitated. Fear was running amok in her mind that maybe, somehow, allowing even that which had used to be a threat to her Diamond to exist was wrong… In the old system, such threats were certainly punishable by shattering and harvesting.

But a threat to her Diamond was a threat to herself. He had proven that. Jasper was weaker than him. And that led to a question she had never bothered to ask until this point - If Jasper’s Diamond was stronger than her, _how_ could she ever protect him?

If that were the case, she’d be useless to him. No. She couldn’t be. She needed to make use of herself, be there for him, find the better _something_ he wanted. She needed to destroy these feelings, these useless, prying questions, and the source was right in front of her. Her red hand twitched like it needed to move, to take, to crush-

Jasper’s wild eyes met Pearl’s. She saw fear. She _felt_ her fear. A primal one. As visceral and personal as reliving herself trapped by pink hexagons, her body made to face the wall. Helpless. She did not like the thought of Pearl feeling that way. She did not like the thought of killing her. 

Jasper had never felt the fear of another. She didn’t know she could.

_A real connection to another person’s consciousness._

She let go. Pearl fell to the ground and looked up. As if a freezing wind could blow in a world without air, so was the look she gave Jasper. 

If Jasper had not already severed that thread, Pearl was cutting it - with a look, then with a sardonic little laugh. “Why am I surprised? I _knew_ you’d do anything for him… I suppose I hoped my words had meant something. Of course not.”

It stung. Jasper had to ignore that it stung. She had no time for Pearl’s feelings; there were more pressing matters on her mind. Pearl could not hurt her Diamond… but even if she could, what could Jasper do? Why was she always so _useless_?

Jasper had disproven her old calling. The one that had been ingrained in her for millennia, protection, until the day her new Diamond brought her back to life with a new order. She’d fail if she was supposed to protect her Diamond from any real threat. That's why he had sent her away - knowing her protection was void. There was nothing to fall back on if she couldn’t fulfill her new destiny. 

Worse yet, for a moment, she hadn’t _wanted_ to fulfill her old purpose. Even if Pearl had been a worthy threat, something disgusting, self-centered and unworthy within her insisted that she would still let her go. That Jasper would find some kind of selfish joy in Pearl being alive.

Pearl scrambled to her feet and retreated several paces. Whatever she had seen in Jasper’s eyes, she wanted _away_ from it.

Jasper also wanted away from herself.

”Well, the next time I try to help you, I’ll be sure to read more about the field humans call _psychology_. Perhaps adolescent psychology would be best. It couldn’t hurt…” Pearl said. She walked towards the warp, and did not turn to face her student. “Goodbye, Jasper.”

Pearl left.

Jasper’s eyes fell to the silver sand below. There laid Pearl’s book - forgotten by its owner. The sand had yielded for it, too. It made a dent, disrupting a part of nature which had not let itself be disrupted before. As foreign as its letters, the teal cover bore rows of identical humans. Uniform as any army. That was the only familiar thing about it. Jasper picked it up and headed for the warp.

* * *

No dreams.

Nobody came to wake Jasper. She woke up alone. 

Today was supposed to be the day for her introductory lesson in Pearl’s class - “Human Technology”. A boring prospect at any other time, but yesterday’s event made Jasper wish for boredom. She remembered the area Pearl had described; a colorful, pastel circle of metallic benches, beneath the decorated trees by Little Homeworld’s entrance.

Jasper would rather see anyone else right now. The only reason she bothered to go was because it was her Diamond’s wish. That _should_ be the only reason in any circumstance, but perhaps there had been a brief moment where she’d thought she might like Pearl to teach her. 

Not anymore, of course.

If nothing else, at least she could bring her her book back.

* * *

Jasper walked to the class’ location. The seats were arranged, the wind chimes in the Earthly trees sang in the breeze… but no one was there. 

The ‘blackboard’, the steel and enamel slab Little Homeworldians used to teach, carried a message in familiar gem script: “For any student who did not receive my text: There is no class today. I am taking care of Steven. I’m sorry for the short notice. Pearl.” 

The wind certainly did not care how Pearl felt. It flew ahead, the chimes of the trees laughing at Jasper for being the sole student to show up. She did not know what a ‘text’ was. Perhaps all the other students did. Another failure. Or perhaps Pearl had made sure everyone but Jasper knew. The wind carried on.

* * *

Three Earth days passed. No dreams. Amethyst’s lessons were the same as before - _talking_ , _sharing_ and _choosing_. When not asking question about Jasper’s life or making her choose between trivial options of no real consequence, Amethyst would tell her to just do ‘whatever’.

During that time, Jasper would wander around. She’d follow other student gems, staying at the back of the group, wordless and deliberately aloof. She had no need to socialize. But there was usefulness in observation. The more she could see of the desired behavior, the more she could emulate to please her Diamond.

After observing the top students and paying in mind who Amethyst gave compliments, the trick to succeeding in this class became increasingly obvious to Jasper: _The more you can fake you’re enjoying yourself, the better_.

On the third day, Jasper followed a band of rubies to the highest tower in Little Homeworld. They took the elevator to the top floor. The rubies cooed and gasped all the way up, amazed at the sheer size and scale of the construction.

Amethyst wasn’t watching, so Jasper felt no desire to join in any such _excitement_. Besides, she’d been far higher than this before - not just in spaceships, but carried by her own wings, back when she’d had such power…

Jasper stayed near the elevator - sat by herself on a bench, surrounded by a small, rooftop garden. Before their… falling out, Pearl had told her the ‘grass’ all had subspecies which designated a separate name, such as ‘flower’, which could in and of itself carry an underlying designation, such as ‘rose’. Jasper didn’t know all of them, but she recognized a few. Poppies and lilies.

Perhaps that would serve as her “exploration” for the day - she’d tell Amethyst how great it was to learn about the Earth. How Pearl’s words had inspired her to learn all about the various forms of puny earthlings that surrounded her at every moment. How _meaningful_ it all was. How very _wonderful_.

Jasper had to remind herself that her thoughts should not be so sarcastic. Little Homeschool would one day yield meaning within her, as long as her Diamond willed it so. It had to. There was nothing else left for her.

“So, you really are here.”

The other gem was quiet in her approach. Only once she spoke up did Jasper recognize who it was. She knew that voice anywhere. A gentle sound, by the nature of its gemstone, yet Jasper felt nothing less than chilled by its tone.

“Where do you live now?” the voice asked from behind.

Jasper smirked, a mirthless chuckle leaving her. “You’re making a map to avoid me?”

“I’m just asking,” the voice defended herself.

It wasn’t very convincing, Jasper thought. “I haven’t been assigned yet. Meetin’ a Bismuth tomorrow.”

The other gem’s weight shifted. As Jasper focused on the sound, on _her_ familiar physicality, she could sense the owner of the voice lean against the tower wall. “It’ll probably take you all day, then. They’re gonna interview you, figure out your tastes and preferences, and test your temperament.”

“My temperament?”

“If you’re stable or not. They gotta think about the safety of the community as a whole - if you’re deemed to have unpredictable or violent reactions, you’ll be signed up for further psych evaluation stuff, like therapy, isolated housing…”

“Isolated housing…” Jasper mused. “So, like a prison.”

“No, they don’t believe in prisons. It just means putting you up for a single apartment instead of any joint housing. You’ll have a space to retreat if you feel overwhelmed, and other gems don’t have to worry about your _feelings_ … It also means your teachers will come by your house for visits - if you’d let them. But that’s your choice.“

The word ‘choice’ sounded strange from those lips. Jasper turned to face the gem, offering words she knew would provoke - “So you reward disobedient behavior rather than punishing it. How unlike you.”

Lapis Lazuli rolled her eyes.

“You’re cynical. If someone is, well, a _problem_ , they try to help. People respond better to feeling like others care about them than to threats, turns out…” Lapis said. Jasper met her eyes. The temperature of those waters were no longer obvious to her.

“If you were to stay a problem, regardless of the care you’ll receive, we’ll restrain and - if absolutely necessary - poof you until you calm down, but we won’t give up on you for that,” Lapis continued.

Jasper scoffed. “ _We_ won’t, or they won’t?”

“They won’t. Society won’t. How any individual feels about you is up to them.”

Jasper remained unbothered. “And I’m right in assuming why you know this so well?”

Lapis shrugged. “I was put in isolated housing myself, naturally.”

That did put a smile on Jasper’s face. “Of course you were. They’d be idiots not to.”

“Yes, Jasper, we both _agree_ on that. You’re not hurting my feelings here.”

Silence fell. The lilies and poppies Jasper had identified earlier swayed in the wind. Jasper’s hearing was as excellent as ever. If she concentrated, she could hear the wind chimes of the trees below, laughing at her once more. She looked to the rubies. They were in their own little world, laughing as well, together on the opposite side of the tower roof. 

“New friends?” Lapis asked.

Jasper shook her head and kept her eyes on the rubies. “How come I haven’t seen you?”

“Because I’ve been careful, Jasper,” Lapis explained. Her tone was unreadable. 

“Careful?” Jasper repeated.

“Restrained.” 

There was a certain finality to how Lapis uttered that word. Jasper felt absolutely sure that Lapis was _expecting_ her to not ask any further. It made her feel… something she didn’t have a name for.

In any case, Jasper wasn’t about to reply. What could she possibly say? Whatever she may feel, it would be a waste of time. She had to remind herself - this had nothing to do with her mission. Any useless words she could mutter would accomplish nothing of real value. Perhaps Lapis felt the same.

Jasper knew that. And _yet_. She had to show her. She had to SHOW Lapis whose power she was loyal to now. Without warning, she slammed her fist into the tower below - just enough to dent it, not break through - and pulled up a few inert gravel pebbles from the rubble. Lapis jumped at the moment of impact, but otherwise made no move. Scraping it gently with her hardened nails, Jasper molded one piece into the shape of her own gem. She held it up to Lapis. Then crushed it in her hand.

“He did this. Then he put me back together. Your _friend_ is my Diamond now.” Jasper explained. 

Lapis looked as if frozen in place. Like the blue of her form was fading, Jasper’s every word leaving her but a shade lighter. Jasper let the broken ‘gem’ in her hand crumble and fall back to the ground whence it came. Lapis’ eyes followed.

She had no words to explain why, but watching Lapis transfixed in shock, not knowing what to say… made Jasper want to leave before she could respond. She wanted that power. She wanted the last word. If she left now, she would get it.

And so, she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was never going to be easy. As usual, thank you for reading. I appreciate all comments. Have a lovely day!


	7. Interview with a Blondie

The Earth’s horizon was ascending. Jasper’s chamber shook with force. Yellow alarms blaring. Green sparks intermingling with dancing fires of the same shade. Her ship crashing. 

Jasper did not remember before now. But her name, and one other thing - her Diamond. Him. She would never leave Earth. Not while he wanted her to stay. This couldn’t be real.

There was one more thing. A voice. The one who came when she was _dreaming_ , as it was called... who had told her what a dream was? She couldn’t remember. 

Whoever it was, they must not be important. The three she remembered were clear - herself, her Diamond, and the voice. That’s all she needed. That voice would come again. It always did. 

So Jasper did nothing. She stayed put. She stayed as her body caught fire. She stayed as the ship came apart. She stayed as she fell to the Earth.

But nobody came.

* * *

Housing day.

Jasper woke up alone once more. She walked along the forlorn dirt path that led to the forge. It wasn’t very impressive. Just a beige, brick-and-mortar front with a metallic, star-clad door. The roof covered in organic material - types of grass, bushes and weeds. Two quartzes were outside, admiring a morningstar - a teal one watching a brown one spin it in her hands. The teal one raised her hand in greeting. Jasper ignored her. She placed her hand on the monitor and it slid aside effortlessly. Expecting her. She had an appointment, after all. 

She was met with a familiar face in an unexpected place - Pearl. She was petting the cheek of a Bismuth, whose hands were around her slender waist. She whispered to her “You’ll do great today. Call me later?” and placed her lips on her cheek.

The Bismuth nodded. “Sure thing, doll,” she said with a wink.

The exchange felt voyeuristic. Jasper pretended to kick dirt off her boots to let them know they were no longer alone. Pearl jumped a little in Bismuth’s arms, turning to face Jasper.

“Hey.” Jasper said. 

“Hello.” Pearl said.

Seeing Pearl was no different than seeing her days ago. All she saw in those eyes was ice. What Pearl saw in her eyes, Jasper did not know. 

The moment passed. Pearl turned back to her _friend_. “Well, with Jasper here, I’m sure your hands will be full. But that’s nothing you can’t handle!” she said, cradling her cheeks. Tender touches, as if they were alone.

Jasper’s eyes followed as Pearl skipped out the door, but she would not yield another glance her way.

That left the two of them. The Bismuth seemed perfectly content with that. She offered a grin and a hand, stretching out her sizable arm. It would probably be expected of Jasper to answer in kind, so she did. An Earthling greeting. 

“Welcome! Let’s see - you’re Red Striped Jasper... Facet-9, Cut-7XE, correct?” The Bismuth asked. Jasper nodded. “Great! This is my forge, relax, pull up a seat or stay on your feet. This is my monitor,” she opened a device which displayed a screen with Jasper’s file on it, including a picture of her face and gem, “this is my file on you, oh and this little fella...” she pulled up an orb, iridescent but for glowing, yellow lines in a star pattern, “is my emergency communicator with every member in the community, just in case there’s trouble. If things go well, you’ll have your own by the end of the day! Cool, huh?” she asked. 

It took Jasper a second to realize she was expected to reply. “Yes. It is... cool?”

That was good enough for the Bismuth. “Yeah! I’m sure you’re hyped - but yknow, we got a loooot of Jaspers here. Biggs, Ocean, Stripes, Tiger, Skinny, Reds... we gotta think of a nickname for you! What do friends call ya?”

No such creature. She wouldn’t classify Amethyst as one (who just called her Jasper anyway). Certainly not Pearl, who seemed to want little to do with her. _Which was good_ , Jasper reminded herself. Someone so volatile would not make a good friend. She didn’t need Pearl.

“I don’t have _friends_.”

The grin on the Bismuth’s face twitched. “...Cool! No big, don’t worry, you probably just got here, everyone makes friends eventually.”

Unlikely. “I didn’t make friends at my last mission, either.”

“...Well, I stand by what I said!” And yet, Jasper saw the Bismuth glance at her communicator. “Oh and, no big, but just so you know, this isn’t a mission. It’s just a group of gems who all decided we wanna live differently from how we’re supposed to. You want that, right?”

Her Diamond wanted that. “Yes.”

“Great! Then this should be no trouble. Get comfortable, I’m sure you’ll breeze through my little quiz... actually, did anyone tell you what the questions are for?”

“You’re gonna test me,” Jasper stated as fact. She sat down in an iron chair leaned against the wall, between the smith’s furnace and the entrance. “My temperament. To see if I’m _restrained_ enough for roommates, or need to be put in isolated housing,” she elaborated, repeating Lapis’ words.

“You got it, blondie! Hey, that actually works, you mind if I call you blondie? Your hair is basically human blond, all poofy and pretty...”

In any other part of Jasper’s life, being compared to a human was unmistakably an insult. Not so when your Diamond was one. She’d take it. 

“Just get on with it. Blondie is fine.”

Bismuth nodded. “Alright. I’ll keep a few paces back, and my finger will be on the communicator the whole time. Your proportions are nice, blondie. Real nice. Long, thick runner legs, with arms that could probably lift this whole forge...”

Jasper could see why Pearl liked this gem. Her descriptions were flattering... though, she could not allow herself to be distracted. This was still a test.

“So I gotta keep a close eye on you, you feel me? It’s nothing personal, blondie. I don’t want us to be uncomfortable. I’m sure you’ll do fine. You just look strong, is all. Ready?”

Jasper nodded in the affirmative.

Bismuth opened a green monitor screen. “Okay. How old are you?”

“I emerged 5525 Earth cycles ago,” Jasper replied.

“5525! Man, that was a good year! The first pilot siege, the raid... wait, you wouldn’t happen to be from Beta, would you?”

She knew of that worthless little place? “I am.”

“I knew it! Your colors fit.” The Bismuth noted something on her monitor, then looked Jasper up and down. “Yeah... you look just like them. Did you know I was there for a little visit once?”

Jasper shrugged. “I did not.”

“Hah, you wouldn’t... Actually, lemme put a pin in that, I’ll ask ya about it later. For now, don’t worry your pretty jawline about it, blondie.”

Jasper had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Was she meant to memorize that detail? It hasn’t seemed like _that_ kind of test...

“Anyway, back to Bismuth - sorry, I do like my puns - which Diamond did you serve before being liberated and returning to Earth? Let me guess, Blue?” 

The Bismuth smirked knowingly. Which was strange, because she was wrong. “Yellow Diamond, actually,” Jasper answered.

The Bismuth quirked an eyebrow. “Huh, that’s a first! Every single other Earth quartz I’ve talked to were from Blue.”

That would be true. “Yes, I was the only one Yellow claimed.”

The Bismuth frowned. “Aww, blondie’s all alone? That must’ve been tough...” 

Jasper’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why? I was special. I was chosen because I was special. I was separated from the other Beta gems because I was _special_.”

The Bismuth nodded. “I’m sure you were - I can tell from looking at you. The cut of your gem, the shape of your form... you’re one of a kind, aren’t ya?”

Jasper still wanted an answer. “Like I said, I was special. Chosen. Why would that be _tough_?”

Bismuth chuckled, bowing her head. “Heh, it’s just... Yellow’s a bit of a gem buster, ain’t she?”

Jasper did not find it funny. “Yellow Diamond was a worthy leader.”

The Bismuth rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, it’s just us gems! Don’t you wanna tell her - heck, the whole Diamond Authority - how you _really_ feel?”

“...” Jasper didn’t know how she was expected to react to that.

Bismuth grinned. She turned off her monitor - orb in hand, tossing it nonchalantly in the air - and stepped closer. “Alright, I’ll start - Yellow Diamond abused her gems and made them think all they’re for is cold, calculated work. The only good decision she ever made was to resign. The world is better with her out of power - whatever worlds are left, anyway!”

“...” This was a part of the test.

The smile did not fade from the builder gem’s face. If anything, it seemed more insistent. “Aww, nothing? Boring! I’ll do the next round, too - Blue’s a total crazy, we all know that. Not only can she not control her feelings, she can’t control her shatterin’ hands either!”

“...” Don’t react.

The Bismuth stepped closer. “Tough crowd, blondie. Fine, round three is on me - White says she always tried to be objective, but the only objective she ever was was objectively _horrible_ to everyone!”

“...” _You know what’s coming._

“Well, they say not to speak ill of the departed, but-“

Jasper flew out of her seat. The whirring of the metal chair left black skidmarks on the ground, and by the time the sound had faded, the two quartzes who had been lounging outside were holding her back. Each using their two arms to restrain one of her’s. The Bismuth’s left hand had shifted into a scythe, a warning resting against Jasper’s jaw.

“Did you know blondie is sometimes used to mean _stupid_? I just remembered that.” The Bismuth remarked. Her tone was unchanged.

“Thank you, Ocean. Thank you, Biggs. Aww man, I was about to use my A-game acting! I practiced that line for months, my voice always shook and I KNEW I had it this time! I was so close, blondie! You were cool until then, but I guess we can mark Pink Diamond as a sore spot...” Bismuth pulled up monitor again and made a flower shape on the top right corner of Jasper’s file. “Alright, isolated housing it is. Biggs, Ocean, let ‘er go.”

The quartzes did exactly that. Jasper’s eyes fixed to her feet. 

The Bismuth sighed “Thing is blondie, I get it. I could trashtalk those other carbon clods all day, but Rose is different... Was, anyway. it wasn’t long ago where I would’ve suckerpunched anyone who tried to badmouth her. Things change, but they never _completely_ change. Still, we gotta respect each other’s opinions here, got it? So that’s why you’re getting isolated housing. You don’t get to decide how anyone else feels about ‘em. Can’t challenge your roommates to a duel. You’d win, most likely, and that’d be bad.”

Jasper wanted to snarl at her. But this was her own failure. Even knowing it was a test, she had _failed_. She was expected to endure such insults - to allow even her to be insulted. She clenched and unclenched her fists. Needed to move. Sit back in her chair without fuss. Display a better temperament. The other quartzes stayed right behind her until she did.

Jasper sat. The Bismuth shifted her scythed hand to normal and stepped back. The other quartzes stepped outside. Mutual de-escalation. “So, ready to continue the interview? I understand if not. You can take five to cool down, walk around the plaza, whatever makes you relax.”

“I’m ready,” Jasper insisted.

“Alright. I was gonna move on to discuss housing design, but you’re clearly not here because you want to rebel. So I’m gonna ask again, why are you _really_ here?”

No point in pretense. This gem saw through such things. “I am here because it is what my new Diamond wants for me.”

The Bismuth’s brows furrowed. “Oh. Well... that’s a new one. Then, whose your Diamond?”

Jasper normally wouldn’t allow herself to speak his name. He was to be referred to as her Diamond first, and her Diamond only. That is the vow she had taken upon herself. The only exception was in declaring who she belonged to. She twisted her hands into the Diamond salute: “Steven Universe.”

The Bismuth grimaced. “Oh. Oh no... You’re _that_ Jasper.” Ugh. This again. So she was indeed his friend - close enough with him to know what he’d done.

Jasper rolled her eyes. The same pity as always. “Yes. I’m who he told you about. Red Striped Jasper Facet-9, Cut-7XE. I was shattered by him, and I came back. I am here because My Diamond wanted me here. I am to understand your ways, _learn_ and _grow_ as he deigns fit. I will be what he wants me to be.”

The Bismuth shook her head, her colorful dreads swaying. “Geez, blondie... I am sorry. I didn’t know. Well damn, now I definitely gotta sign you up for therapeutic sessions - with your consent. You mind if I put all this in your file?”

Jasper nodded. The Bismuth tapped away at her monitor. Exposing her. It would be less a nuisance to have it known to the world, to not have to deal with the shock and condescension that came with the constant re-reveal of her rebirth. Everyone would know... but better sooner than later, anyway. Her Diamond had clearly shared it with all his closest allies, so she had no reason to protest.

The Bismuth inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled again. Finished typing. “Okay... Blondie, this is none of my business - not if you don’t want it to be. I don’t pry people who don’t _want_ pried. You seem annoyed to talk in the first place, am I correct?”

She was. “I don’t need to talk about it. All you people ever give is pity...” but that wasn’t quite true. “Except one time.” Jasper didn’t know why she added that. Spontaneously, she’d allowed herself to slip out more truth than intended. Maybe she thought the Bismuth would be able to tell it wasn’t the full truth. Maybe she was just too riled up from before.

“Except one time?” The Bismuth repeated. Her eyes probing.

Jasper looked away, her arms crossed tight over her chest. Pearl’s words still rang true, somehow... There was glory in being shattered by a righteous Diamond, being reminded of her place in the universe. Only she seemed to understand that. There was truth to _‘you didn’t mind at all, did you?’_ that no one else had seen. She couldn’t shake it - couldn’t be unseen by her.

“Your friend, Pearl, didn’t pity me. She saw me. Like we were the same.”

Why did Jasper say that? It was far too much to reveal. Holding on to such sentiment was not logical. She shouldn’t be mourning the connection she saw in her eyes. Pearl had revealed herself a selfish, careless creature. She’d confessed to endangering their Diamond - and in refusing to punish her, Jasper had been equally selfish. Now, Pearl’s eyes were but a cold tundra. Jasper didn’t know if she was more disappointed in her or herself.

“Do you mind if I put that on file?” The Bismuth asked with a hint of a smile.

That made Jasper’s eyes widen. “Don’t - don’t do that. I shouldn’t have said that. Ignore it. It was dumb. I wasted your time.”

The Bismuth lifted her hands up, away from the screen. Raised them level to her face, as if to reassure Jasper she wouldn’t do such a thing. But her smile remained. “Alright, forget I asked. I didn’t hear nothin’. You already accepted isolated housing, so I don’t gotta put your gem under a microscope any longer. I’ll stop. I can’t ask you to tell me more than you’re comfortable with. If you wanna move on and get this over with, we can talk housing design?” 

Jasper nodded. The Bismuth grinned. “Great! I’m thinking two stories - a lot for one gem, but you’re a big gal. With a balcony - lots of quartzes still have that ol’ outlook instinct. Sturdy, metallic, none of that wood crap... A solid base. How about theme? We could recreate the desert, or maybe you’d like a total opposite, like an indoor lake, or maaaybe something more Homeworld-esque, geometric pastels...”

Most of their discussion was Jasper agreeing with the Bismuth’s instincts. As a friend of her Diamond, it was best to leave her in charge. Nodding along - making her feel like Jasper was listening. As if she cared about all these little, personal, individualistic things that did not matter. Yet, they seemed to matter a great deal to her teachers and guides. It was her best indicator of what her Diamond would want; he had left them in charge of this settlement. If nothing else, the blacksmith had good taste in colors.

By the end of their discussion, the sky was the color of Jasper’s light. The Bismuth handed her an orb. Opalescent, with that same, yellow star pattern of glowing lights. “Alright blondie, I think that’s all. You’re officially a resident of Little Homeworld, with your own communicator and all. Just a couple days more in that lil’ toolshack, huh?”

That was good to hear. Jasper found herself smirking as she turned the ball over in her hand - she had made progress on her mission. If only a little bit. 

The Bismuth tapped her fists against the stone table between them. “What else, what else... oh right, the Beta Kindergarten! It’s a funny story. I was one of the first-”

Suddenly, the door opened behind them. Who would waltz in but Pearl? And Jasper’s smile? Gone.

“Bismuth! I’m ready for our evening rendezvous. Amethyst was SO rude! She stuck popcorn in her nose during our movie date, and then snorted it out when something amused her. It was so gross. I could really use some time with a more gentle-like companion, she’s lucky she’s pretty - oh, you’re still here.” she ranted, stopping herself once she noticed Jasper.

Jasper did not know what she was supposed to do. Nod? Greet her again? Certainly not smile. Neither of them needed lie to each other.

Pearl seemed eager to not give her the chance to do much of anything. “Well, anyway, I won’t let myself be bothered. She can be as uncivil as she wants, I’ll be the better person. I’ll just let her realize her _rudeness_ at her own pace. I certainly didn’t do anything wrong. Until she apologizes, I’ll stick to others’ company. Exclusively so.” 

Was she still talking about Amethyst?

The Bismuth cooed. “Aww, don’t be so cold, babe! I’ll bet anything she wasn’t trying to offend you, she’s better than that. Maybe she thought you’d find it funny. You ain’t such a dainty pearlie anymore, yknow?”

Pearl smirked and leaned over the Bismuth’s chair, bent by her slender waist and stroking her friend’s chin. “Was I ever much of a dainty pearlie?”

The Bismuth chuckled. “Well, you sure looked like it... you can act like one, too, when you wanna be cute.”

Neither of them cared whether Jasper was here anymore. But she found herself wanting to remind them. “No, Pearl’s right. She’s _nothing_ like other pearls.”

Pearl frowned. The Bismuth laughed. “Hah! You’re not wrong, blondie!”

Pearl turned from frowning to outright offended. “ _Blondie_?” 

Bismuth nodded, smiling and unbothered. Pearl looking back and forth between her and Jasper. She unbent herself and faced the latter: “But you’re _everything_ like a Jasper, aren’t you?” 

Jasper would’ve thanked anyone else for that. But it wasn’t a compliment. The intensity of Pearl’s stare was a palpable thing. Unyielding, ungenerous, chilling. Why were her eyes so _severe_?

She only broke eye-contact once the Bismuth took her attention. “Hey, Pearlie... How ‘bout we let blondie join us tonight?” she asked, a large hand winding itself around that tiny waist. 

Jasper couldn’t tell if the blacksmith was oblivious or deliberately easing the tension. “Tonight?” she repeated. The Bismuth’s dark eyes trailed to the voice’s source and nodded, then returned to Pearl.

Pearl’s stare found her friend, with a look not unlike the murder Jasper imagined in her own eyes during their last encounter. “ _Why_ would we do that?”

“I think blondie’s got some pent-up aggression in her. Might be good to release it. Besides, you know all my moves... why not introduce a surprise element?” she asked with a wink, twirling a strand of hair by Pearl’s gem. “If she sucks, I’ll take her home. It’ll just be the two of us.”

Pearl rolled her eyes. “Fine. If you think it’ll help her be less _miserable_. I doubt it, but I suppose it couldn’t hurt... But you’ll take the lead, I hope you know!”

The Bismuth nodded. “Of course, babe,” she said, pressing her lips to her cheek. Then, as if in sync, the twosome opposite Jasper turned to meet her gaze. “What do you say, blondie? You up?”

Just like that, Jasper felt like she’d failed another test. “What’re you on about?”

For the first time since she’d walked into the forge, Pearl’s lips quirked into the faintest of smiles: “We’re going to duel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Enjoy your day. All comments and feedback are, as always, appreciated! <3


	8. The Duel

It was just a duel. But a duel is never just that.

A fair fight was a showcase of justice. It revealed who was right, and who was wrong. Through power came validation. It showed that the universe itself was on your side; deigning your resolve, ideals and determination superior.

Jasper would be good. She’d agree to their request, join them for a battle... and when she won, her little feud with Pearl would be over. She would know better than to hold Jasper in contempt. Jasper wouldn’t hold _herself_ in contempt. She would not need to think more of this... incident, or question whether she was ashamed at the thought of shattering Pearl, or of failing to do so, or of her protection being obsolete in the face of such a powerful Diamond. All that mattered was that her Diamond knew better; he had decided Little Homeschool for her, and so, she would find a way to deal with Pearl. 

As they left the forge, Pearl linked arms with the Bismuth. The twosome walked right in front of Jasper; light and heavy footsteps joined in a slow march, as if they were in no rush whatsoever. “Can you _believe_ Ruby said that?” said Pearl. The Bismuth laughed.

As they talked about nothing useful, the Bismuth would occasionally look behind and smile at Jasper. Pearl glanced back once, but she did not smile.

The warp took them to an arena high above the clouds, where Jasper was met by a staircase of crumbling, dust-clad marble brick, leading to an arch carrying the symbol of the four Diamonds... she knew very well where they were. Jasper remembered the battles Blue Diamond’s court would host for Sapphires to watch. From those fights, strategy would be made to determine which Quartz was best suited to lead the next ambush against the Crystal Gems - who’d join her, who’d guard the palanquins, who’d stay in reserve.

Jasper was never held in reserve. She was the good Beta gem.

“You coming, Blondie?” the Bismuth asked. At some point, her and Pearl had reached the top of the staircase, and now, they were looking down on her.

Jasper’s boots had not yet left the warp. She rolled her eyes and made a clicking sound with her tongue. “I’ll get there when I _want_ to get there.”

“Good! Make your own decisions!” said the Bismuth, a wry grin in place.

Jasper groaned, and started walking up the staircase at a brisk pace, the clear sound of brick under her heavy boots making her haste obvious. She was only here because her Diamond decided it right, and that’s all there was to it. Thinking of the past was not useful.

When Jasper reached the top of the stairs, the Bismuth already was well on her way down... but Pearl had not moved. Waiting for her? If she did, it was not out of courtesy. Her expression made that obvious, and her words confirmed what she already suspected: “Jasper, I’m not ready to deal with you yet. This was supposed to be a _fun_ night for me. I will try my level best to enjoy myself, and I suggest you try to do the same.”

Jasper crossed her arms. There was much she could say. She could tell Pearl the terrible realization that if she had been stronger than her Diamond, she would’ve been stronger than Jasper, too. How she couldn’t really protect one as powerful than he. How a stupid little part of her hadn’t _wanted_ to hurt Pearl. But there was no use. All that mattered now was to keep going with the new mission he had set forth for her... and this stupid, unnecessary little quarrel was impeding her progress. “Why wasn’t there class?”

Pearl sighed. “Well, seeing as you likely don’t see what you did wrong and think you had every right to punish an _insolent little Pearl_ for any potential hurt to your Diamond, I’ll spell this out for you as well as I can - you did a very bad thing. I don’t feel like talking to you. So please, just close those big lips of yours and fight me, and we’ll both have a somewhat satisfying night.”

Jasper felt the heat of fury in her gem. “You have no right to be mad about that!”

“Of course I don’t,” Pearl replied, in a tone so cheery Jasper understood that she meant the opposite.

“You know your crime and should be grateful for my mercy!” Jasper retorted, pointing at Pearl’s gem. However she had failed at protecting her Diamond - how _weak_ she’d been - that did not change that the selfish pebble before her deserved punishment. The part of Jasper that did not _want_ to punish Pearl needed to be suppressed. Fought through. Her actions outweighing those worthless thoughts.

Pearl summoned a pale spear and pointed it at Jasper. Jasper grinned and walked closer to the business end, _welcoming_ it. A fight would settle this. Pearl’s gaze wavered, her spear retreating in tandem. "Jasper, I don’t want to make this worse. I know that on some level, you can’t help how you think. I know that you’ve been through something... terrible... But frankly, I don’t want to _put up_ with you right now.”

How expected. Pearl was as selfish as ever. It did not matter what any Diamond wanted; she only cared about herself. Jasper’s grin widened in a threatening display, flashing teeth. She laughed without warmth - as icy as the performative laugh Pearl had uttered upon realizing who Jasper was.

The only option left was to dominate. “What a joke of a gem you are... fine, we’ll settle this in the arena!” Jasper said. To show Pearl how little sway she had over her, she walked on by without looking back.

Down the stairs and to the right, she found the Bismuth. She was admiring the closest of four statues, blissfully oblivious of their little talk - or at the very least, acting like it. “That’s Maddie!” she declared, pointing at the gem on the figure’s marble chest. “Madeira Citrine. She came on down to Earth last winter. She still has that pompadour - really chill and lowkey, for elite Homeworld scum!” the Bismuth grinned at that last part, punching Jasper’s shoulder.

What a crude attempt to rile her up... but Jasper’s eye stayed fixed on the statue. It had worn down over the millennia, but the figure remained recognizable. “I know that. I fought her once,” she said.

“No kidding! How did _that_ go?” The Bismuth asked. “Honestly, even if you lost, no shame, that sword looks like a nasty piece of work... The kind of thing I could’ve made, even.”

“I won,” Jasper said.

For a quarter of a cycle, they’d stayed in their gladiatorial cells beneath the arena, waiting for the preparations of their match. Sapphires to be summoned, Agates selected to discipline the loser...

“Impressive, Blondie! Hey, how come they didn’t give you a statue?”

Jasper shook her head. “No time. Hers was already up. I was a nobody from this useless little rock... they didn’t expect any rookie to beat her, much less me.” But Jasper had proved them wrong. She’d shown everyone that she was better than this garbage planet. She’d become _useful_. She smiled at the memory.

Five little words was all it took to take that brief moment of pride away. “I beat her too, actually,” Pearl said from behind.

Jasper’s eyes widened. There was no way. She rushed to turn and met a Pearl with a smirk so smug it could only exist to spite Jasper. She was the opposite of the hesitant weakling from before: She was the gem who had delighted at the sight of a bumbling, uncertain Jasper in her little shed, who had touched her without warning, who spoke without fear, who’d called her ‘adorable’ in the most mocking tone, who had done everything in her power to make the ground shake under her. The word ‘actually’ had been spoken with that very same affect... Pearl wanted to _prove_ something. She twirled the spear in her hand with practiced ease.

Jasper could do nothing but shake her head and deny it. “No, you didn’t. Only a handful of gems ever did.”

“Oh, but I did!” Pearl responded, raising her voice an octave. “Her sword was golden, she’s very good at protecting herself but far too slow when countering. I poofed the poor thing with her own weapon. She was _terribly_ embarrassed... do I deserve a statue, too?”

Before Jasper could hope to answer, the Bismuth jumped in. “Damn right you do!” The blacksmith looked between the two of them, her lips quirking into a smile. “Well well, this just got interesting... Let’s compare your stats. Either of you beat Garnet?”

Jasper and Pearl both shook their heads.

“Guessing you beat Amethyst?”

Both of them nodded.

The Bismuth stroked her chin. “Ain’t that something... An equal match.”

Pearl and Jasper spoke at once: “Don’t be ridiculous.” “Of course not.”

“So you both agree, great!” And with that, the Bismuth sat on the front row, hunched over with her arms resting on her spread legs; the arena’s one-gem audience. “Man, this is gonna be fun! With all these newbies around, it’s not often I get to see a proper, high-level match. Alright, Blondie - you know how to fight like a Crystal Gem?”

Pearl glared at the Bismuth and responded for Jasper: “No, she _doesn’t_. And frankly, you promised you would lead the way, not make me babysit.”

The Bismuth waved her hand at her. “Relaaaax doll, I got it. I'll explain the rules and fight her right after you do. Blondie, eyes here - it’s pretty simple; no shattering, no cracking, no _threats_ of shattering or cracking. And babe, I wanna see a one-on-one, so no holograms. Have fun!”

Pearl pulled something out of her gem - a small, black, rectangular object - and threw it to the Bismuth. “You know what to do if I lose? We can’t exactly trust her.”

The Bismuth nodded. “I’ll keep you safe,” she said, pocketing the object in her overalls. Jasper made sure to make note of that.

Pearl took a breath. She faced Jasper, spear in hand. “Okay. I’m ready.”

There was no way Pearl beat a Citrine, much less _that_ one. She couldn’t do anything to Jasper with that pathetic little stick. Nothing could hurt her. “Good,” she bit out. “So am I. Do your worst.”

“I will.”

And with that, they were off.

Jasper charged at Pearl. She threw a punch with her red hand. Pearl dodged with a twirl. She spun around her until she was behind Jasper, her spear pointed at her cheek.

Jasper smirked. Was that supposed to _impress_ her? She grabbed the spear, to which Pearl said “Oh.” She flipped it over her shoulder with Pearl hanging on, slamming both the weapon and the gem it into the ground. Pearl groaned.

Jasper stomped her foot down, but Pearl was able to roll and dodge just in time. She twirled away once more, retreating to the other side of the battlefield.

 _Fast little thing, huh?_ But she couldn’t dodge forever.

Jasper charged again. Pearl pointed her spear at her. Jasper readied her hands to catch it. But she didn’t throw - instead, a beam of light energy shot out, hurtling towards Jasper’s face. She flinched. _That wall of pink was coming for her again_. Her hands raised to cover her face. She hunched, barely dodging it.

Stupid Pearl could tell something was off. “Jasper...?” she asked, stopping her assault. “I don’t think you’re weak, and I’m not pitying you. All I want to say is that if fighting is too traumatic after what you’ve been through, I will stop.”

“I don’t _need_ to stop,” Jasper responded, lowering her hands from her face. “I’m fine!” She knew this Pearl couldn’t hurt her. The light coming towards her face just reminded her of _he who could_. She needed a helmet - protecting herself would stop her mind from being so foolish...

Last time, her weapon had been reckless. Deliberately so. Horns over a visor. Offense over defense, risking it all to settle whether _he_ was worthy with no regrets. She needed to make room for a new visor... And Pearl was _fast_. Jasper didn’t need the weight of a full helmet; her horns would stab her enemies before such a thing could headbutt them. They were enough.

Horns, a visor, a simple band to connect them... Her new Diamond’s symbol - his star - in the middle. She felt the light shine brilliantly and form into a solid shape around her head, protecting her gem. All her fury concentrated on doing his will. Pearl would _know_ her power.

“Pretty!” The Bismuth shouted from her seat. “Blondie’s got a diadem!”

Jasper grinned. Pearl did not seem impressed - she aimed slowly, perhaps in warning, then fired more beams. Jasper rolled into a ball, hurtling towards her adversary. A few beams grazed her, but no direct impact. Her reflexes were trained to swerve under fire. Jasper reached her target. Leapt in the air. Unrolled. Kicked down. Pearl held her spear horizontally across her chest; blocking her.

Pearl was fast... and she could aim... training under _her_ , no doubt, could make even the least of gems stronger.

But such a fragile little accessory would not contain Jasper’s might. She forced herself down with all her weight, finally breaking through. The spear cracked. Pearl’s eyes widened. “Shit...!” she let out. Jasper kicked her chest. The smaller gem was sent flying to the edge of the arena, and slammed into the ground.

And yet, Pearl got up. Her knees carried blue specks from minor bruises, but she still acted like she was ready for more. She was more resilient than Jasper had expected from such a frail thing... but it’s not like it would do her any good. Jasper charged again - horns first.

Pearl leapt up on top of Citrine’s column. Jasper punched the thing with full force, toppling it. Pearl leapt off just in time. As she landed, it was she who charged at Jasper: “This is _ancient_ architecture!”

Jasper grinned. What a fiery gem... She mirrored her challenger, charging at full force. Pearl tried to kick, but Jasper grabbed her by the foot and threw her again - all the way across the arena, slamming her foe against the opposite pillar.

As the dust settled, Pearl was still on her back. Her hair rumpled, her jacket torn and tattered... Jasper grinned. “You put up a fight, I’ll give you that.”

Then, a voice called out, making Jasper turn her head. “C’mon, Pearl! You can do it! This ain’t over by a long shot!” The Bismuth shouted.

Jasper stared at her with furrowed brows. Why was she cheering on the _loser_? If you lost, it was because you deserved it. She hadn’t earned such praise...

Suddenly, Jasper felt a searing pain in her abdomen. She gasped. Looking down, the cloth covering her abdomen stripe had burned off. Across the stadium, she found Pearl standing on a shaking, unsteady knee, panting and disheveled. The offending spear in her hands. She’d shot her.

Jasper grimaced. She held her side, trying to force herself to ignore the pain. “This is nothing! Give up! You’re never going to beat me!”

Pearl shook her head. “Y-you look pained, Jasper. Are you sure... are you sure _you_ don’t want to give up?” she said. Her voice was as shaken as her body.

“Yeah!” The Bismuth cheered, louder than before. “That’s the Pearl I know!”

Jasper growled low in her throat. If Pearl wanted to burn her, she would meet her with fire. Jasper lit herself in the golden flames of her comet charge and walked - running would not be good with this pain at her side... Her resilience was her truest strength. Not that it mattered. Pearl could shoot those little beams all she liked - her own fire would be her shield. She could take anything a weakling could throw at her. She WOULD win.

Closer. Closer. Pearl’s form was weakened. She couldn’t run.

Pearl summoned a second spear. She fired light from both; the ferocity of her assault doubled. Jasper gritted her teeth and walked through. Her flames dulled the impact, but it hurt nonetheless. Still, she was stronger... She could handle Pearl. It was a test of endurance - if, no, WHEN she reached her quarry before her form collapsed... that would be it.

Suddenly, Jasper’s foe ceased the barrage of light and threw spears in the air. She summoned one after the other... and once they were high enough, they spun to face Jasper and crashed down. Jasper was forced to look up, dodging - one grazed her thigh, making her groan. She kept going. The spears were a harsher punishment than the light beams... If they struck any core part of her form, that _would_ be a threat. _Eyes in the sky. Keep walking. Dodge!_. 

Perhaps Pearl stood a chance against Citrine... but _not_ against Jasper!

She was so close. Almost there. Pearl would obey her Diamond’s will..!

Then, she heard the tell-tale ‘whoosh’ of an object approaching her front. Pearl had hurled a spear right at the center of Jasper’s chest. Taking advantage of her skyward gaze, she’d shot it forward, aimed straight and true, and... the Quartz caught it with both hands, right in time. “Nice try!” she bellowed, and laughed.

But then, something pierced Jasper’s shoulder. A stabbing pain filled her. A scream forcing its way out of her throat. She’d lost track of the spears falling from above. One went through Jasper’s bicep and stuck there, a mockery of a third arm. Her construct threatened to come apart. Glitching and flickering.

“Come closer and lose!” Pearl yelled. She summoned another spear. “I’ll shoot again!” she threatened. Her voice still trembled. Jasper was almost there... if she lunged for her, she’d snap that tiny waist in half... But Pearl would slice her, too.

This Pearl was precise, deadly... her aim, her technique, no, everything about how such a small, weak gem fought was _impressive_.

There was nowhere to go for either of them. They both reached a halt at the realization. Against all logic... against everything that Jasper had thought possible... they had reached a stalemate. if Jasper went for it, she would _reach_ her and crush the small, injured gem in an instant. But if she did, Pearl would shoot.

If you asked Jasper about it later, she would never admit it... but she found herself smiling.

A true fight was a rare thing. Rarer still was finding an equal. Where did that leave their feud..? Jasper would ponder that later. Right now, she only felt _exhilarated_. She grunted in acknowledgement. "Not bad. Your aim is true, and there’s skill in your tactics... Maybe you did beat Citrine; by luck.”

“Perhaps you were lucky too, then,” Pearl responded. Despite the tattered state of her form, she did not look pathetic. The sunset suited her. Her bright, blue eyes was steady and sure. Her pale hands no longer looked delicate - they’d proven themselves skillful and graceful. Her determination was beyond that which was supposed to be possible. She carried a warrior’s proud chin. She looked... strong.

For better or worse, she was unlike any other Pearl. Why couldn’t Jasper stop _smiling_?

The Bismuth clapped, snapping Jasper back to reality. “That... was incredible. I don’t even know what to say, that’s the closest match I’ve seen in years! I mean, a stalemate?!” she said incredulously, her eyes shining.

Jasper’s opponent sighed. Throughout all this, Pearl had not smiled once. Despite her grand feat... somehow, she acted as if defeated. She dropped her spear. As the Bismuth cheered and clapped, Pearl rose from shaky knees. Jasper’s eyes followed. She groaned as she walked over to the Quartz and motioned for her to lean down. She spoke softly, for her enemy only: “I’m not ready to forgive you, Jasper. I wanted to have fun, but... Even seeing that bewildered look in your eyes, all _‘Huh, a Pearl held her own against me’_ , I’m still angry. I thought this would help, but it’s not enough.”

Jasper’s smile faded. She felt... puzzled. That fight had been _worthy_. The true kind of fight, one which Jasper would have enjoyed even if she had well and truly lost. What was she missing?

“What about class?” Jasper asked. Her mission had to come first.

“There won’t be class this week - or next week. I don’t want to see you right now. Do you understand?”

Jasper did not understand. The only way to achieve closure was through battle. Through that, one would know whether one was right or wrong. Who deserved to be praised, and who deserved to be punished... If a duel did not stop this little waste of time, nothing would.

The stalemate was the problem. If Jasper could not defeat Pearl fully, she could not prove that she should accept her will as the _correct_ one and teach her, just like their Diamond had decided. Her Diamond’s demands... that’s what truly mattered. Not Pearl. A Jasper would always put him first.

Jasper glanced towards the Bismuth. It was an underhanded tactic... but a necessary one. Long-term goals were more important than temporary dishonor.

“Fine,” Jasper said. She walked away, feigning acceptance. She walked towards the Bismuth at a slow pace. “Her aim really is... good,” Jasper said, tearing the spear stuck in her arm out with a groan. The blow still hurt. Each step echoed across the arena, putting space between herself and her foe.

Closer and closer. Almost there... _Now!_  
“You got that righ- hey!” The Bismuth interrupted herself, as Jasper pointed the spear right at her gem. She had no intention of shattering her, but she needed a bargaining chip. She needed to beat Pearl. She moved sideways, positioning herself to keep her eyes on both other gems. “What the heck, Blondie?!”

“Jasper, what are you doing?!” Pearl shouted, running at her.

“Halt! Don’t move if you care about your friend!” Jasper shouted. Pearl stopped, even as her eyes yearned to run. “Good, now drop your weapon!” Pearl did as told once more, dissipating her spear. “You did _not_ tie with me. You let your guard down, and now, you’ll pay for it. I win, and you’re going to say it.”

Pearl took a slow, excruciating breath. “...Fine. You win, Jasper.” she said. Her tone was calm, but Jasper could tell _she_ was not.

Jasper was about to remove the spear from the Bismuth’s chest... but this could still backfire. She needed one more thing. “Give me what’s in your pocket,” she demanded. The Bismuth removed the rectangular object Pearl gave her before. It had a small, gray button - Jasper clicked it, and heard a faint buzz. Out came the telltale prongs of a destabilizer. "Well then, been a while since I had one of these toys...”

Jasper smirked and threw the spear to the ground with enough force to dissipate it. She approached Pearl, keeping her _new_ weapon aimed at the Bismuth. “So then, that settles it. I am superior, and you are to admit you were wrong and teach me. Are you satisfied now?”

Pearl’s eyes were as icy as when they had entered the arena. “No, I’m not.”

Jasper frowned. “I proved I was better than you! That’s what battles are for. You’re supposed to do what I want now, and you-” _you don’t get to make me feel weak or confused anymore._ “-The world designed me to be better. I’m stronger, so you put your feelings aside and do what I - what my _Diamond_ \- wants you to do.”

“That’s not going to work here, Blondie. We don’t listen to Diamonds!” The Bismuth said. Jasper rolled her eyes - she knew that insolent radical was too far gone to listen. But Pearl was a Pearl... somewhere in her gem, however she tried to hide it, obedience was her nature.

Said Pearl acted anything but. “Jasper, know you’re still a desperate, pathetic gem who can’t function without a leader. I expected as much. But this fixes _nothing_ \- in fact, you’re making it worse. I don’t forgive you, and there won’t be class this week.”

Jasper snarled and switched her target, holding the destabilizer to Pearl’s chin. “Why? You’re a - gem! Why won’t you do what my Diamond wants?”

Pearl didn’t flinch. “Because I respect myself. I do what _I_ want to do, and I know that I’m not ready to deal with you.... This whole time, did you even once consider what I want, or were you busy hoping that defeating me would let you progress in the little quest you treat your life as?”

“You tell ‘er, babe!” The Bismuth echoed. Pearl smiled for the first time that day, her eyes shining in what could only be pride. Jasper didn’t understand. Gems weren’t supposed to connect with gems that weren’t their Diamonds. It was weakness that distracted you... yet, there was discomfort in knowing that this Pearl would smile at the Bismuth’s praise, but not her own.

Was she doomed to never understand? Was she failing her mission?

If Pearl wouldn’t see reason the normal way, Jasper was powerless. She couldn’t be. Needed to take it back. Right now. She was too weak to shatter her, but... she _could_ do this. “Then you won’t do anything this week!” she yelled, and thrust her arm forward, zapping Pearl. Her form disconnected in a puff of smoke, and Jasper caught her gem with her free hand.

The moment before Pearl had poofed, Jasper had expected to see fear in her eyes. Perhaps remorse, at having miscalculated so thoroughly, and being righteously punished for it. But all she saw was fury. Defiance.

She heard the Bismuth get to her feet. "Jasper. Jasper, give her to _me_.” Her voice sounded urgent.

Jasper clasped her gem tight. “I need her to teach me.”

“She’s only going to be pissed when she comes back. She won’t teach you shit.”

Jasper turned to face her. “Why? Why is she so selfish?”

“You’re a jerk, and a stupid one at that. She doesn’t exist just to teach you. Now, give her to me. I can get _just_ as angry as you... you may not know this, but us regular gems care about each other. A lot. It ain’t just about Diamonds. I’ll fight for her as fiercely as you’d fight for him.”

“Tell me how to make her see reason, or I’ll...” Jasper eyed the stairs that led to the warp pad. “I’ll steal her away!”

The Bismuth laughed. It was cold, hollow, mocking. “Then what, you gonna tie her up in a dungeon, like Steven’s video games? It’s a dumb plan, Blondie. Everyone will be against you, and _nobody_ will teach you anything.”

Jasper needed to do something, but nothing came to her... Everyone were so _emotional_ , in ways that went against what her Diamond wanted. This had spun out of control. Badly.

Perhaps she needed to relinquish her pride and report to him. Even if it meant a partial failure. “I’ll tell him. I’ll tell my Diamond that you’re being disobedient.”

“No, you won’t,” the Bismuth said, in a tone that held no doubt.

“Why?!” Jasper interrogated.

The Bismuth threw her hand to the side, as if imagining Jasper’s Diamond right there. “Because this morning was the first time I saw him eat anything other than ice cream. He loves Pearl, more than he loves you. He doesn’t need this crap right now!”

The searing pain of battle was nothing compared to those words. Jasper’s horns ached to stab her. “You don’t know that!”

The Bismuth’s voice rose higher: “Yes, I do! Pearl told me about the first time she met you, how you landed on the beach. Who did you see on the other side, protecting Steven? You saw Garnet, Amethyst, and _Pearl_ , Blondie. Next to his dad, those three have been his guardians all his life. He loves them more than he loves his own gemstone. That’s why the first time you saw him - when you saw his shield - he was risking his life to protect _them_. From _you_.”

“No...” Jasper said. But she remembered that day. As if she could ever forget... worse yet, the Bismuth’s words made sense. Why else would her Diamond reveal himself when she’d fired at those gems, if not because he cared?

The only explanation was that Pearl was a favorite. Jasper was not.

A part of her wanted to run. To hide somewhere, so she could crack her own gem as punishment for having been so foolish. But if she did, that may pain her Diamond as well. He had still brought her back to life for a reason. She had to hold on to that... She just needed to keep going... As much as it hurt to be lesser in his eyes, she couldn’t dwell on it. Those feelings led to nothing useful. It only meant she had to keep working to prove her worth.

Perhaps... perhaps it would be best to not pain him with this.

The red hand holding Pearl shook. Jasper turned the gem over, examining its luster and shine... a well-crafted thing, as one would expect from that which was made for a Diamond. Iridescent, reflecting each of their four colors. In her mind’s eye, she could imagine her Diamond holding it, affection in his eyes.

Jasper stretched out her hand and offered Pearl to Bismuth.

The Bismuth exhaled and cradled the gem in both hands. In the moment, the rugged blacksmith had an expression that was nothing short of soft. “Okay... now, we gotta think about where to put her until she reforms. She’s usually damn slow about it, so congrats on stalling your class even further.”

Jasper lowered her gaze and stared at the ground. She’d failed again.

"We can’t put her in the Temple, Steven would find out... Not my forge, too many people comin’ in and out... I’m not leaving her with _you_ , you can bet your ass that,” Jasper winced at the Bismuth’s crassness. “I dunno about Greg. He tells Steven everything, even when he’s not ready for it. We need someone who isn’t squicked out by lying, if need be...”

* * *

The Bismuth knocked on the door of a tall, cylindrical house close by the forge, on the opposite side of the dirt road. Jasper fixed her gaze at the steel blue entrance, her arms crossed... better to confront this head-on. She couldn’t appear weak.

The door creaked open with just enough of a crack to reveal its occupant. Lapis Lazuli groaned. “Oh no... what is this, an accompanied visit? Did her therapist put her up to this?” she asked, keeping her eyes on the Bismuth.

“You two know each other?” the Bismuth asked, looking between them.

Lapis said nothing. Jasper gave a curt nod.

“...Well, in any case, no, she doesn’t have one yet. We’re just here for a delivery,” the Bismuth continued. She fished Pearl out of her pocket.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Think you can keep her here until she reforms? We really don’t need Steven to know about this. I wouldn’t want him to get... upset, you know?” the Bismuth asked.

“Okay... Yeah, I can do that,” Lapis replied, as if she understood. She accepted the gemstone. As if it was common knowledge to everyone else in the world just how much Jasper’s Diamond loved this Pearl.

“Oh thank you, we’re in your debt!” said the Bismuth. She tried a smile.

Then, there was silence. The moment was brief, but it somehow did not feel like it. As always, the streets around were still active at this late hour - footsteps, passing conversations, laughter - but the silence between the three of them was palpable. For but a second, Lapis glanced at Jasper.

“Well, anyway, we’ll get out of your hair now. Thanks again!” said the Bismuth. “Blondie, don’t follow me. Just... do whatever, as long as you leave Pearl’s gem alone. I’ll let you know when the house is ready.” She waved to Lapis (but not Jasper) and turned to leave, walking in the general direction of her forge.

Jasper hesitated. She looked at Pearl’s small, iridescent form... When she came back, things couldn’t stay like before. A gem of such selfish, individualistic impulses... and yet, she was stronger than most soldiers. And yet, she had seemed wise enough to understand Jasper. And yet, her Diamond _loved_ this gem, as if he did not see that selfishness as a flaw. As if he forgave her. If that were the case... if that were the case...

Maybe Jasper could allow Pearl to be selfishly herself.

“Hey,” said Lapis. Jasper’s eyes snapped upwards to meet hers. Those waters were cool and steady.

“Hey,” Jasper mirrored.

“Did you get isolated housing?” Lapis asked.

Jasper grunted. “As if you don’t know.”

“Right. They’d be idiots not to,” Lapis replied. And with that, she closed the door.

* * *

Jasper returned to the shack and sank down on the floor. Tomorrow was another day of Amethyst’s class. Soon, more classes would begin.

In the meantime... Her form would not quiet. Too many thoughts. Too many stupid feelings to force down, to the abyss where they belonged. There were no use for them. There was no use in sleep, either - that _presence_ had not been in her dreams the past few days. It had likely been nothing, after all.

Her mind turned to Pearl again. The only useful thing was to think of something that would make this right, to quiet the rage of such a worthy opponent... nay, to soothe her Diamond’s favorite. She would not yield to domination. She would not yield to what anyone told her to do. If Jasper were to accept such a gem... she found herself asking what, exactly, Pearl wanted.

Jasper looked to the left. There, on the lowest steel shelf, laid Pearl’s book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, I'm extremely grateful for all comments and feedback. Have a lovely day! <3
> 
> Note: Apparently, I got confused by timezones and clicked the wrong date by mistake when uploading this, then tried to fix it by re-uploading - so if you either got several notifications or got error messages trying to read this, I'm so sorry. I won't let that happen again, thank you so much for reading. <3


	9. Study Time

Jasper’s red hand twitched. She wanted to grab the book... and in doing so, she may get closer to understanding Pearl. She should - but in deciding that she should, she was allowing herself to interpret the will of her Diamond. She had to be sure her motivation was pure, which was difficult.

The emotion surrounding Pearl had to be laid to rest, and how could one do that after she’d fought like a quartz and talked to her like an equal and acted like she knew Jasper better? Perhaps that was her _right_ , and that’s why her Diamond cared so for her. Perhaps his Diamond wisdom had been imbued in her, who had been with him all his life. 

She was strong, in more than one way. Jasper had allowed herself to smile at that strength... Was that selfish, or the correct path?

Was there any alternative?

This night held no promise of other activities. The only progress she had achieved in her mission was being designated an official resident and being given a dwelling. Nothing about Little Homeworld had been meaningful...

If a Jasper set out on a mission, she would pursue it till the end or die trying. Right now, her mission demanded she understand what Pearl wanted. She WOULD understand Pearl; as fully as anyone could... and this book was the best clue she had.

Hesitation was weakness, and Jasper was not a gem that hesitated. It was just a book, not like it would hurt her to read it. She grabbed it from the shelf.

She studied the cover; rows of identical beings... likely humans, likely soldiers. They were all smiling. The front page was littered in symbols - human text. Not a script Jasper understood... She flipped through the pages. The same type of symbols seemed to cover every surface. A few times, she would encounter one she thought she recognized - “E” and “U” resembled symbols of gem glyph - but she had no way of knowing whether they were pronounced the same, or what to do about the symbols around them. It was useless.

Pearl would know what they meant. She couldn’t ask Pearl, of course.

The book was thick yet frail, important yet inscrutible. Jasper found herself ripping the pages by accident several times. But there was little else to do until class started, so she spent the passage of night into dawn studying it as much as possible, with as gentle a hand as she could muster (she hoped it was not irreplaceable). She scanned every single page for some kind of symbol translation, but found none.

Jasper looked at the pictures, which were mostly of humans. Occasionally, it would show what she was sure was the internal workings of the human form - she’d torn through a good few of them during the war. Things like the heart, lungs and brain were good targets, if you wanted to make quick work of them.

However, that did little to ease Jasper’s frustration. She didn’t need to learn how to kill humans. That was easy. In most cases, anyway. Though her Diamond was not just a human, of course. And his human _friend_ would be easy enough to dispatch, if they hadn’t fused... but those thoughts were unhelpful now. Any human her Diamond deigned worthy was not one she could kill.

Footsteps were approaching. Closer than expected - Jasper hadn’t been paying attention to anything but the book. She closed it and shoved it back on the lowermost shelf, standing at her full height in anticipation of her visitor. 

The quick rasps were low on the wooden gate and held a familiar rhythm, creating a near-certain suspicion of who it was:

“Hey dude, I’m here to walk ya to class,” Amethyst spoke through the door.

The fusion, Amethyst and Pearl... those had been the ‘guardians’ of her Diamond, according to the Bismuth. The little quartz on the other side of the door has stood by Pearl, side-by-side at the beach of Jasper’s first arrival... perhaps this conversation didn’t need to be a total waste of time.

Jasper slammed the door open. “Tell me what Pearl wants!” she declared.

Amethyst’s eyes grew wide. “Whoa dude, you’re coming on a little strong here...“

“Tell me what she wants,” Jasper repeated in a lower voice. “It’s important.”

Amethyst scrunched up her face. “As in, like... for a present? In a friend? In something else...?”

“In _life_.”

Amethyst snorted. “Geez, ask a broader question, why don’t ya?”

“Is that sarcasm?” Jasper asked. The tone was similar to that which Amethyst had described as such. They started walking as they talked.

“Uh, _yeah_! She’s only like, one of the gems I know best in my life!”

That was good for Jasper. “Tell me what she wants, then.”

But Amethyst had more questions first. "What brought this on, did the two of you hang out or something?”

That was one way to put it. “Something like that. I need to give her what she wants.”

For some reason, that made Amethyst smile. “Nice! Look at you; making friends, doing stuff for people who aren’t your Diamond...”

Well, that wasn’t quite true.

“Jasper, I’m legit proud of you. Of course I’ll help you out. You want me to just like, list off some general interests?” Amethyst asked.

“Yes,” Jasper replied. “Anything.”

“Alright!” Amethyst clasped her hands together. “Well, Pearl’s a total nerd - you probably don’t know what that means, but basically, she’s like super obsessed with a bunch of stuff - she’s into books, swords, weapons in general, gem history, strategy games, science, calligraphy, puzzles, the concept of space, dancing, singing, drawing, cleaning, architecture, violin, piano...”

Jasper hadn’t been wrong about Pearl’s _business_ , then.

Amethyst kept going: “...Human history and tech - but until recently, that was more of a theoretical thing. It’s only in the last couple years she’s been more into really _getting_ humans... honestly, I think she’s proud of herself for branching out, you know?”

Jasper didn’t know. But she was determined to learn. She made a mental note of every item Amethyst listed, even if she didn’t know what each meant. “Does she own a, uh, _violin_ , or would she like me to make her one?”

Amethyst made a high-pitched noise. “Dude, how are you so cute? Holy shit, I’m sooo gonna tell her you said that! You two really hit it off, huh?”

Jasper crossed her arms. “No - I mean yes, of course, it’s just...” They didn’t. But Jasper needed to fix that. If she said too much of what happened, that may reach her Diamond, which would not be good for him. “She’s on a mission. When she gets... back, I want to do something for her.”

Amethyst seemed confused. “Huh, I didn’t hear about a mission...”

“It’s a secret,” That part was true. “She only told me because, uh, she knows I would appreciate the opportunity to be useful to her while she’s away. So inform my Diamond of that if he asks about her whereabouts. If he is concerned for her, a lack of information would be upsetting, and I will not allow that!” Jasper lied.

Amethyst smiled and giggled. She seemed awfully happy about something. “Jasper oh my gosh, what’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing’s inside me. My form is a light construct - you know this, you’re a gem.”

“I think YOU know that’s not what I mean!” Amethyst replied, grinning like before. She was clearly clarifying the non-literal nature of her statement, but it also seemed like she was saying something else.

The familiar structure of Little Homeschool was in their sight.

“Still, just hit me up after class and I’ll help you out!” Amethyst said, beaming.

“Hmph,” Jasper acknowledged. They reached the threshold and went inside.

* * *

Every other student was already seated. Each gem sat on metallic, pastel chairs which were all different from each other, unique and colorful, in their usual half-moon formation. A chair close by Amethyst (who got to have a spinning chair... was that a tactical advantage?) was empty - Jasper’s spot for the day.

“Okay!” Amethyst said with a clap of her hands, grabbing attention. “We’ve all had a few days of freedom. That's a pretty big deal, huh? No class, no Diamonds, no rules. Just you, yourself and thou. Now, we’re gonna talk how we feel about that freedom. Who here had fun? It’s okay, I won’t judge!”

A few hands shot straight in the air. A few more hesitantly joined.

“And who thought it suuucked?” Amethyst asked, sinking down into her chair like she was unbearably tired. It was all exaggeration, Jasper understood.

The old hands went down. Some new hands went up.

Jasper did not raise her hand in either case. She was not sure which was the _right_ answer. She knew she’d been a failure... but what would Amethyst want to hear? 

She needed to progress in this class to please her Diamond. Based on their classes thus far, Jasper understood that Amethyst wanted them to ‘enjoy’ themselves, but she’d also emphasized ‘being’ yourself. Those rarely co-existed.

“Cool, cool. No matter how you felt, thanks for sharing!”

So it had been a trick... Jasper should’ve just raised her hand.

“Right now, what matters is that you’re able to express those feelings. They can be positive, negative, neutral, whatever - but above all, they’re yours. Nobody can control how you feel or take those feelings away from you. Which is why...”

Amethyst trailed off, then went to the desk behind their semicircle to fetch something - which turned out to be a small, black handle grip with a silver circle on top. It looked almost like an Era-2 wand weapon.

Then Amethyst brought the object to her lips, and her voice was amplified across the room: “We’re going to sing about it!” 

No, Jasper wasn’t. Absolutely not. Singing was a pointless waste of time and had only ever been used to annoy her. What was she supposed to sing; ‘I thought I could handle Pearl / But it turned out, she could handle me?’

A Sapphire raised her hand immediately and ran up to perform. “Yeah, hit it, girl!” Amethyst said, giving her the mic. She vocalized a melody without words, a pointless display.

She had an awful voice. Jasper hated it. It did not yield anything useful, which meant there was nothing for her to focus on except her own thoughts... Had she ever heard Pearl sing? Amethyst had mentioned it as an interest. Perhaps that’s something she would want...

The song ended. They all clapped - Jasper too, if only because she assumed it was what Amethyst wanted her to do. But even so, singing was a sappy, humiliating exercise in sentimentality. There was only reason to do something like that: If it helped with her mission. 

“Would Pearl want me to sing?” Jasper asked out loud.

Amethyst beamed, stars in her eyes. “Jasper, yes. Yes. Holy shit, yes!”

Jasper crossed her arms. “Well, in that case, I’ll sing in front of her, not you.”

“Sounds good. She’ll tell me all about it anyway!” Amethyst replied, winking for some reason. “For anyone else who wants to, you can either improv here and now, or you can spend some time writing a song until next time we meet.”

A few more gems performed in their useless, little ways, then class was dismissed.

As the other gems dispersed, Jasper walked up to Amethyst. The promise from their walk hung in the air. “You were useful about Pearl before.”

“Thank you?”

“I need to ask you one more thing. Who amongst you knows human script best?” she asked, pointing to a stack of books in a pastel red shelf at the corner of the classroom, as a manner of example.

“You can’t read?” Amethyst asked.

“Of course I can read!” Jasper defended. “What do you take me for, some common Ruby? I may be a soldier, but I am not just some _grunt_. I’ve done far more than just swing my fists. I was trusted with strategy, piloting, battle formations, I was taught gem history, I-” 

“Alright, I _get_ it! Look, plenty gems here were ‘grunts’, as you call them. They weren’t given the chance to do all that stuff, so try to be a little less condescending about it, will ya?”

Jasper would concede on that. “Fine. The point is, I know gem script, not... this.”

“And that’s _fine_! You don’t need to be so prideful about it, I’ll gladly help!”

Jasper found herself disbelieving. “You? You’re the best at anything?”

Amethyst rolled her eyes. “No, but I’m the nicest. No offense but, we all have lives. I don’t think many of the other teachers would volunterily spend their off-time teaching _you_ this stuff.”

Jasper rolled her eyes in turn. “I’ll find that out for myself. Who can teach this script most effectively?”

“Pearl, definitely. She loves to teach nerd crap.”

Of course, who else. “Then who is second best?”

“Garnet, fo’ sho. She learned it super quick, too, and she’s always up-to-date on the latest new words. I wonder if her future vision helps a bit there...”

“And where is she?” Jasper asked.

Amethyst sighed. “Dude, it’s pointless. She’s busy, she’s not gonna-”

Jasper had no time for this. “I need to learn from the best, tell me where she is!”

“On the beach, geez fam...” the smaller quartz admitted.

That was all Jasper needed to know, then. And with that, she stomped out the door. She heard a faint “you’re welcome...” grumbled as she left.

* * *

Beach City. Jasper was... very close to the Temple. She hoped he wouldn’t see her. Right on the edge of the water, the fusion sat - cross-legged, with had a hand on each knee. Between their legs laid a small feline, seemingly deep in slumber.

As Jasper approached, the fusion beat her to a greeting: "You're not going to take my class until first snowfall." 

"But I want-" Jasper tried.

"Sorry Jasper, you can't ask about anything else. I'm busy."

From what Jasper could see, the fusion was just sitting here. She leaned down to stroke the small, spotted creature. "Busy with _what_?"

The fusion shrugged. "Just chilling. Taking care of myself." 

That was nonsense. "What are you talking about? You're with a feline." 

The fusion made a small noise in acknowledgement. Jasper was unsure whether it was a chuckle or something else. "Yes, I am. You'll get it when you're older." 

This was going nowhere... "What of my Diamond? He needs you!" Jasper pointed out, her hand drawing an accusing line to the Temple. 

The fusion followed the line of Jasper’s hand, then ceased petting the creature and removed the visor that obscured her eyes. Hers met Jasper’s, and would not stray. "I know. I’m here for him - but I’m trying not to burden him with my stress. He needs love, but he also needs not to feel like the world is on his shoulders. I’m trying to help, but it’s... well, a lot. I want to avoid falling into the same toxic patterns of selflessness he fell into. So i'm spending _me-time_ de-stressing. I have a duty to myself, too." 

Whatever ‘me-time’ nonsense she was on about, it was not useful. "But I need to do my duty to him, I need to do as he asked me to." 

The fusion put up a hand, as if creating an invisible barrier between herself and Jasper. "Not now. Your presence stresses me out." 

Another senseless statement, but Jasper would not yield: "Why?" 

The fusion seemed to be thinking for a moment, tapping her left foot. Jasper found herself mirroring the action, tapping her own in impatience. 

Finally, agonizing seconds later, the fusion produced an answer: "Well, you're kind of a stressful person to me. You tore me apart once.”

Oh. She was _still_ hung up on that? Jasper was about to respond, but the fusion put her hand up once more.

“It wasnt the worst I've had, and I don’t resent you, but... I still find myself reminded of the experience when I see you. I hope that makes sense. I've been trying to be more upfront about my feelings. I can never know everything, and I try to embrace that... but seeing you makes me look ahead instead of staying in the moment. I feel like I _have_ to predict your actions, or I won't be able to relax. In short, you're stressful.” She put her visor back on. “I’ll need a minute to calm myself down once you're gone. It’s taking away from my me-time."

That was in the past. Why would Jasper be stressful _now_? They’re on the same side. The fusion had already gotten her revenge - she'd beaten Jasper. She should be perfectly satisfied with that. Still being... upset about such things, even after demonstrating your superiority, was strange. What was there left for her to prove?

The casual tone, too, was odd. The fusion didnt sound hostile. She seemed merely to be stating fact, as bluntly as if she'd accused Jasper of doing nothing but laughing at her bizarre, disordered aesthetic.

Still, if it would make her get over her... _hesitation_ , Jasper would reassure her: "I hold nothing but devotion to my Diamond now. I will bring you no harm." Not like Jasper could, but apparently the fusion cared. 

If anything, Jasper should be the offended party, who was beaten two-on-one...

The fusion resumed petting the creature in her lap. "Sorry, Jasper. It's not happening. Cat Steven needs cuddles." 

"Why?" Jasper asked.

"She's a cute kitty, Jasper. Cute kitties need cuddles."

That was the dumbest thing Jasper had heard so far today.

The fusion hummed to herself, stroking along the spine of the small feline. "You can ask me about your relationship problems some other time. I can't fix you, which, yes, I know isnt what you would ask, but I'd appreciate if you could remember that."

Jasper felt herself tense. Did she somehow know about Pearl...? "What do you know, fusion? You look forward, not back."

"I don’t know, but it was likely that some kind of interpersonal issue would cause you to come to me - the _fusion_ ,” she made her voice just a bit rougher and darker, a mockery of Jasper’s voice, “who is weirdly comfortable existing as herself without fighting for anything. So I just guessed. People guess stuff, y’know. Please respect my me-time now." Like her last accusation, it held no fire nor passion, but rather detached awareness of how Jasper saw her.

What a strange contradiction - the fusion seemed to hold no individual resentment towards Jasper herself. That made sense, given her victory... but she still seemed to care about her past actions. That was stranger yet. Getting revenge should close those wounds.

Jasper decided not to hide her frustration, letting out a groan as she left.

She could always fake being completely apologetic about it when it was time for that strange twosome to teach her. As she walked away, she heard the fusion humming once more, unbothered.

* * *

Jasper returned to Amethyst’s classroom, this time with Pearl’s book. The smaller quartz looked annoyingly satisfied... but she did not gloat about being correct. She merely instructed for Jasper to take a seat, and started writing unfamiliar symbols on the blackboard.

“Do you think this will make Pearl happy?” Jasper asked.

“That you’re learning to read the Roman alphabet just for her? Uh, YEAH! She’ll totes be impressed!” Amethyst nodded enthusiastically, and went back to scribbling symbols on the blackboard.

Something... something about what the fusion said was still bothering her. “Amethyst.”

“Mhm?”

Jasper let her short nails tap across the cover of Pearl’s book. “You... fight someone. Someone who _dared_ defy you, and you win. You get your revenge. The conflict is over and you should be satisfied, having proven your power, and the other person should just accept it and respect you as a superior. Correct?”

Amethyst grimaced at that. She finished her scribbling and grabbed a book on her desk. “Eh... I don’t think so.”

“But - but in this scenario, you _won_. You’ve proven yourself the better person.” 

“Well, I mean, better is a strong word... but even if, would that really fix anything?” Amethyst asked.

To win was to justify your power. That’s what Jasper had always known. How could you even ask such a silly question? “Of _course_ it would.”

Amethyst shrugged and said nothing. She turned the page and read aloud: “The alphabet song can give children a fun way to memorize how each of the letters in the alphabet sounds. Let’s sing it together: A... B...”

Jasper couldn’t let it go. “I don’t understand. What else is there?”

Amethyst sighed. “Look Jasp - can I call you Jasp?” Jasper nodded. “I ain’t here to to tell you how to feel, just figure out how you already feel. And I’m supposed to be the teacher, so this shouldn’t be about how _I_ feel, either. Let’s just drop it.”

What was it that Amethyst had said before? “I... I won’t judge. Tell me how you feel.” That’s probably what she wanted to hear.

It seemed like a good enough way to get people to share what you needed to know.

Amethyst looked up with an expression that seemed more uncertain than before. She seemed to be searching for something. “...You sure?”

Jasper nodded. She would silence her skepticism, if only to receive useful information about what Pearl might want from her. “Tell me.”

Amethyst closed the book and set it aside. “Okay. There’s a lot to unpack here, but... Back in the bad ol’ days, when we were at each other’s throats, I used to think that beating you for making me feel inferior would make me happy, but... I was just playing your game! I didn’t wanna think about my insecurities, or ask why I felt like I HAD to be strong.”

How strange, to frame that as an insecurity. Being strong was crucial to serve your Diamond. 

But Amethyst continued: “Why did I think I had to beat you, or be like you? Like, no offense, but I don’t. I never did. What I really needed was friends and family who cared about me and accepted me - even if I am a runt! Even if I am... defective. I’m okay with that now. I’m defective, and my friends love me. I feel like maybe that’s better than revenge... people who accept us.”

Jasper needed to respond, but she had nothing nice to say. None of this helped. All of this was what she had thought of as stupid, selfish sentimentality and Amethyst had done NOTHING to prove that she wasn’t those things, yet she was also helping Jasper and had helped her Diamond.

She had to shut up and not say anything that would ruin it. Her mission mattered more. “I see. We should keep going. Get back to your singing.”

This time, Amethyst wouldn’t let it go: “Do you get what I’m trying to say, Jasp? Maybe you need-”

“Of course I get it. I understand completely. Keep singing!” Jasper demanded through clenched teeth.

Amethyst shut up. She did as asked, perhaps sensing the tension. She sung the entire “Roman alphabet”, as she had termed it. Then Jasper demanded she did it again. And again.

* * *

The next day, Amethyst tasked Jasper with memory games.

The day after that, the same.

On the fourth day, Jasper brought the book and spoke aloud the letters on the cover: “Psychologg-why, Science of the Mind and Behahvayr.”

Amethyst chuckled a little. Jasper scowled at her, hoping the gaze would wound. “Right, so, almost perfect! I totally get why you think it would be pronounced that way, but English is _weird_ , man. The letters aren’t said as they should, as crazy as that sounds. I’ll teach you all the wacky exceptions!”

“I know that. I know _English_ , as well as I speak it to you. A real gem would call it Dialect CST-2, and we BROUGHT that to the humans in the first place. Don’t condescent to me, I just need to memorize this... strange script, and how to say the new words humans made... and there’s just a few words I don’t know perfectly...”

She couldn’t be sloppy in front of Pearl.

* * *

Yet another day later, Amethyst gave Jasper a writing utensil - a ‘pen’ - and tasked her to circle all the words she was still unsure about, either in their meaning or symbol. The only symbols she still struggled with was separating the lowercase ‘q’ from the ‘P’ symbol, and the ‘E’ from the ‘F’.

It helped to remember that ‘P’ and ‘E’ were a part of Pearl’s name.

* * *

The next day was Amethyst’s 'real’ class again.

It was uneventful - a couple of gems performed the songs they had written. They were boring, poorly sung and meaningless, of course. Jasper found herself tapping her foot, wishing other classes would start already. 

The only noteworthy thing was that there were fewer chairs today.

After class, Jasper walked up to her teacher and stated her observation plainly: “There’s fewer gems here than before. Why?”

“Oh, yeah! Some of the others moved on to other classes,” Amethyst replied.

Jasper frowned. “And not _me_? You said other classes would start soon.”

“Yeah, for those who are _ready_ for it!” Amethyst said like it was obvious. “Everyone has to make progress in this class first. If you can’t even function on the level of making decisions for yourself, you can’t really function as a student. Think of this and Pearl’s class as your 100 level stuff, before your 200s begins. And I’m not convinced you’re ready, Jasper.”

“Let me advance. I need to - I need to do better than this. I need to be good.”

“The answer is no, dude.”

* * *

Ten days into this script challenge, Jasper became acutely aware that the Bismuth still hadn’t updated her about her house nor Pearl. She brought the communicator the blacksmith had gifted her every time, and it did not activate once.

That very same day, however, _Amethyst’s_ communicator lit up. “Shit, I told them not to call me right now, I’m sorry - oh no. It’s him. I have to answer.”

Him. Jasper froze.

A click later, his voice sounded, shaken: “H-hey Amethyst... would you be mad if... if the horns came back and I could really use your voice to calm down?”

Jasper’s arms crossed into a salute. She had to, even when he couldn’t see it. Even when she wasn’t supposed to report to him until her mission was over. He was HIM.

Amethyst smiled gently at the Diamond’s voice, and her response carried that same affect. “Of course not, buddy. Do you want me to come home?”

“Yes, please...” Jasper’s leader responded in a small voice.

“Okay dude, I’m there ASAP. I love you,” Amethyst said, and the device shut down. An apologetic glance was all that was needed before the smaller gem rushed out and transformed into an aircraft, hurrying towards the Temple.

This was what it was all about. Making _him_ happy... A quartz duty to their Diamond always came first.

That was Jasper’s job, too. She had to please Pearl. To please him.

* * *

Two Earth ‘weeks’ in, Jasper had circled every word she didn’t know in Pearl’s book, and Amethyst had taught her their meaning (well, she’d only known a few, she’d consulted something she called ‘the Boogle’ for others). Jasper had made a complete symbol translation on the first page. She’d done everything she could possibly do to prepare.

Now, it was time to read. To finally understand. “Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior” would be conquered, and Pearl would be satisfied. Jasper remembered her smile in the arena... though it had been for the blacksmith and decidingly not for her, Jasper’s own lips quirked into a smirk at the thought. The next time Pearl smiled, it WOULD be her doing.

“I’m done now. I know all the symbols and I’m going to read this,” Jasper announced, holding Pearl’s book high. Proud. Like she’d already defeated it.

Amethyst was sitting cross-legged in front of her on the floor, reading some kind of slim, colorful book full of pictures in it. She looked up and spoke: “Great! Also, quick thing - I think you’re ready to join other classes.”

Jasper furrowed her brows. That was a surprise, but a welcome one. 

Still, her curiosity needed satisfaction, and she needed to understand what she had done right to repeat her success: “Why? This isn’t even a part of your class.”

Amethyst smirked, but in a way that seemed to be more out of fondness than condescension. “Dude... you’ve been dedicating yourself to something that has jackshit to do with Steven for weeks.” She got on her feet. “You’re so into this Pearl stuff that I think it’s legit overriding your programming. Like... for real. I don’t care if you sing about your feelings Jasp, this is what the class is ACTUALLY about. It’s about... being free! And you’re doing it! Congratulations!” she declared, and ran to hug Jasper’s thighs.

Jasper’s lips fell open. It must’ve been a stupid sight, but she couldn’t help herself. That wasn’t true... It couldn’t be true. Jasper was doing this for _him_ , not her. It was ONLY about him.

If Amethyst thought otherwise, that was _her_ foolishness. This wasn’t Jasper’s fault in the least, it was just that her enthusiasm for pleasing her DIAMOND happened to involve Pearl. Seeing her smile would make him happy. And that’s why it would make Jasper happy. That’s all. If it pleased Amethyst as a teacher, that was all the better. This is fine.

“Good,” Jasper said. She looked towards the door; dared not meet Amethyst’s eyes in such an outrageous lie. She stepped away from the one-sided embrace... then, she turned to leave. “Well, no point in us meeting here again, then.”

Amethyst tried to cling to her: “Wait, can’t we at least keep hanging out? I like chilling with-”

But Jasper had already closed the door.

* * *

It was raining outside. Jasper ran to her shack, protecting the book by hunching over it. The mud splashed on her boots, the rain flattened her sizable mane. 

She ran inside and shut the world out.

Reading alone was the best way - now that she had the necessary abilities. No one would interrupt her with their inappropriate laughter, sudden bouts of emotion or unnecessary speeches about _friendship_ and _freedom_.

But just as Jasper sat down, her communicator beeped and lit up. She clicked it, and the water outside seemed into flood her little shed:

“Pearl’s back,” Lapis said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Jasper exploits Amethyst's kindness unashamedly. Thank you for reading! I appreciate all comments and feedback. Have a lovely day! <3


	10. The Umbrella

“Where do you think gems go when they’re shattered?”

When Jasper reached Lapis Lazuli’s dwelling, she arrived just in time to hear the water gem say those words through the metal door. The rain above and around her raged fierce and true, echoes of thunder in the distance.

“What do you mean? The gem is still there, obviously, it’s just in pieces,” Pearl answered, and Jasper's habit of breathing stopped for a moment. Her voice confirmed her regeneration. Now Jasper just needed to _face_ her.

“No no, that’s not what I mean. What I’m _really_ asking is-”

Jasper couldn’t wait another second. She slammed the door open as the lightning struck behind her, and was faced with Pearl and Lapis on a dark turquoise chaise, sitting close together with Lapis’ hands laid gingerly in her own lap and Pearl’s right hand occupying the space between them.

And that was how Jasper was met with Pearl’s new form. The form that Jasper had forced upon her, yet which nevertheless was who she was now.

The first thing Jasper thought was that this form covered Pearl better than her last one. She wore boots too, now - but unlike Jasper’s, they were perfectly neat and dry, unmarked and unbothered by the world around her. Their color was a dark, murky blue, reaching all the way up to her knees. Beneath them were ice blue pants, which looked soft and flexible, reaching to her waist and meeting a tailcoat in the same dark hue as her boots, with yellow stars shining proudly as buttons. Jasper noticed that her boots carried little stars like that as well.

Pearl’s collar was a warm pink, flared up in petal shapes... but unlike most collars, it yielded no visible skin beyond its edges. Her chest and neck were completely covered in the same icy blue as her pants, swirling around and ending in a scarf hung behind her from her nape.

To put it bluntly, Pearl looked better protected than before. There was no exposed ankle nor neck, and her new coat was both longer than her last jacket and sensibly closed instead of _inexplicably_ open - another layer between the world and Pearl.

 _Makes sense with how she’d been poofed,_ Jasper thought. How many times during their fight hadn’t she grabbed for Pearl?

The second thing Jasper thought is that this was a nice display, when judged against the other forms of Pearl she’d seen. The contrast of light and dark suited the slender gem... certainly moreso than when everything she wore was bright, glaring and all too _flashy_.

The third thing Jasper thought was she must have looked disgusting by comparison. Her hair was wet - slick and tamed by the rain, yet messy in a way that plastered loose strands to her face, a few laid unkempt and ungraceful across the bridge of her gem. Her boots were caked in mud, dripping onto the entryway in Lapis’ tower-like abode. The book - Pearl’s book - that Jasper had carried from her shed was wet, protected imperfectly from the elements in Jasper’s rush to see its owner reformed.

The fourth thing Jasper thought was that Pearl was looking at her. She looked Jasper up and down, with intelligence beyond a pearl - she could not only see how disgraceful Jasper looked, she had the capacity to judge her.

The fifth thing Jasper thought was that having Pearl see her like this brought her a strange sense of shame. What a useless feeling. Her light blue eyes bore into Jasper in a way she could only compare to a Diamond’s gaze - calculating and unobstructed by whatever facade you wished to project. A Diamond saw you are you were. And Jasper looked like garbage. She’d wanted to appear more impressive for their little... reunion, if one could call it that.

Throughout Jasper’s self-judging musings, the rain carried on outside. The unending assault was all one could hear in this place. This lead her to a sixth thought - that since her entrance, no one had _said_ anything.

Pearl’s expression had shifted from initially surprised to anger. She decided to become the one who struck first: “I can’t imagine why you would think you’re welcome here right now.”

Jasper felt a spark of anger in her gem. _The nerve..._ A primal urge to fight back with words twice as vicious was still there - the desire to silence a lower gem for her insolence.

But no. Not _now_. That was no longer a worthy urge. She couldn’t care about something so selfish as her instinct to bite back. Pearl was no longer one she _could_ bite. Her strength and insight was not only impressive, it was beyond what was natural for a pearl.

The only explanation was the kindness and generosity of their Diamond; those gifts imbued in Pearl by him. A Diamond who loved her enough to allow her mistakes and selfishness... his desires came first. If Pearl would not submit to Jasper’s interpretation of that will, yet he loved her so... then the Bismuth was right, and Pearl was meant to be as she was.

There was only one worthy course of action. Jasper weaved hurried fingers through her mane, brushed stray strands from her face and kicked dirt off her boots, making herself just a bit more presentable. She would give a status report: “Pearl. I have spent the time since your poofing-”

“Well, Jasper? Did I not make it clear enough that I don’t want to see you right now?” Pearl interrupted. Jasper shut her mouth. 

“I can think of _one_ way you could make it clearer...” Lapis muttered. She moved a cold, blue hand from her lap to the space on the chaise between them, close to Pearl’s own hand. But Lapis was looking at Jasper.

Something was wrong about the two of them sitting together. Jasper squinted - she could not perceive the motivations of the water gem. Lapis seemed to know Pearl didn’t want to see Jasper... but she called her anyway. Why?

It didn’t matter. 

It shouldn’t matter.

It couldn’t matter.

Jasper’s mind should be on her Diamond’s wishes, not on the displays of one Lapis Lazuli. What would he do in such a time? He was a focused creature, intent on selfless pursuit of his goals. That was what Jasper must also be.

Jasper, like Pearl, had been chosen. That was what she clung to. He had come to the woods to see _her_ , even when she was disgraced, void and nameless. He was strong enough to break her. She had been brought back to this world by HIM. His will was to be done through them both, and his approval of the pale gem before her meant Jasper was not only acceptable, but correct in searching for Pearl’s smile. It was right. She had to press on.

Pearl could fuss all she wanted. This was still Jasper’s chance at redemption - she WOULD please her.

Jasper came closer to the twosome: “Pearl, you need to listen - It won’t be like before. I understand now, I’m supposed to accept your strength and be more like what you want me to be. Of course, you are not a Diamond nor anything like _his_ power, but your power is almost my equal, and he loves you. So I will accept you. That’s what he wants me to do. I’ll learn what you want me to learn - I’ve started already!” she insisted, holding up Pearl’s book. She thrust it forward like an offering, walking closer yet.

“I can read this now! I learned the crude human symbols, the Roman alphabet, for you; to understand this little ‘psychology’ thing, like you want me to. I’ll do that, and I’ll do more. I know your interests - do you want me to make you a violin? Amethyst said you liked the violin, I have not seen one before but I will make a great one, if it’s what you want! My Diamond wants you happy, so I will have it happen!” Jasper continued, smiling insistently.

Jasper had expected Pearl to be smiling too, but that was not to be. Her face was not angry anymore, but that was the only good thing you could say. It showed _worry_ , with her lips slightly parted but her teeth set and tense.

Lapis was not smiling either, but she did not seem surprised at what she was seeing. Her eyes held calm waters, but what exactly she felt was harder to read. At some point during Jasper’s speech, she had gripped for Pearl’s hand.

Though her form was brand new, Pearl looked tired. She stroked her free hand against her gem, as if it would relieve stress. She seemed to struggle for words, though Jasper did not understand why. Pearl glanced towards Lapis, as if she would teach her what to do. Lapis looked away from her gaze.

Jasper would break this silence, then: “What’s wrong? I’m doing what you want. I’m doing everything you want to make this right - I _will_ become a good student.”

Lapis leaned closer and muttered against the side of Pearl’s head: “I told you...”

“Lapis, stop that,” Pearl warned, leaning away from the water gem. She seemed uncomfortable at the gesture... if Jasper hadn’t been so keenly aware of their power disparity, she would’ve stepped between them.

Then, Pearl turned to face her: “Oh, where do I begin? A part of me is flattered, but... well, actually, no, I will thank you. I appreciate that _some_ part of you thought this was a good idea. Your naïveté is almost sweet, in a way...”

Jasper’s brows furrowed. What did _that_ mean?

Pearl did not make her wait: “But this isn’t good. Not only because I don’t want you to just do what _I_ want... There’s another problem altogether, which is, to be direct, that nothing you can _give_ me or _do_ for me that will fix things, Jasper. You can’t just analyze me and use that knowledge to get me to be what you want me to be. I need time to figure out how to... well, frankly, how to deal with you. That’s the kindest way I can put it.”

That wasn’t what Jasper wanted to hear. She needed to make Pearl understand, so she repeated her revelation: “But I know I was wrong! I will learn as you want me to learn, and I won’t force you to do things my way. My Diamond is on your side, so I will be too. I’m ready! I will be good!” she insisted.

“Well, _I’m_ not ready. So the answer is no!” Pearl said firmly. At that last word, she allowed her voice to rise, her fire incandescent. “Can you take no for an answer, Jasper? Are you capable of that?”

Jasper felt herself recoil. Her expression must’ve revealed her, hurt and confusion painted plainly. She looked to the floor, like not looking directly at her quarry would soothe her wounds. As if her bangs would shield her shame.

Jasper needed Pearl to advance in her quest, and so the gem had become her sidequest. But she had tried everything, tried what those who knew her best thought was right, and none of it stuck. Nothing would make Pearl teach her. Nothing would make her smile.

Maybe there really was nothing that she could do.

Lapis spoke up while looking at her, but she was not talking to Jasper: “She’s never going to understand. Her _mission_ comes first, and always will... anyone else’s feelings may as well be a different language,” she said in a low tone.

Jasper could not find it in herself to protest, because her mission would and should come first.

Pearl, however, seemed to have a problem with Lapis’ words: “Don’t say that... Please, I can’t deal with another determinist right now. Just stay out of this.”

She still sounded so tired. Jasper knew the strain... it was something she recognized in herself. For the Earth years when her Diamond had visited her, before she knew his _true_ role, every meeting felt like a pointless, repetitive tirade that never resulted in anything.

Was Jasper still forcing this on her?

Jaspers acted. In times of crisis, they did not wait. They faced what they needed to do and got it done, then moved on to the next thing. There was nothing else.

But Pearl... stars, she really sounded _exhausted_. Jasper was a source of it, that much was obvious. She didn’t want to be. But she’d failed her mission and sidequest alike. If she were to accept that... she had to go.

What choice did she have?

“Fine,” Jasper announced, raising her head to face the other gems. “I’ll leave,” she continued, eyes on Pearl. This time, both her and Lapis looked surprised.

"Jasper...?” Pearl said, as if her very name was a question.

“I am... sorry. You, uh, take whatever time you need,” Jasper tried,

It was a strange and unnatural thing to say, to truly let Pearl just ‘be’ and not try to fix the situation. Jasper would hate to wait, but if it’s what she wanted... if someone so strong still needed ‘time’, wanted the power to decide when to approach _her_... Jasper would oblige: “I won’t bother you. Do as you wish.”

Pearl and Jasper looked at each other. The former’s ice-blue eyes shone with some kind of emotion, but one which was no longer anger nor scorn. Pearl freed her hand from Lapis’ grip, half-heartedly raised like she wanted to say something but did not know what.

Jasper turned to face the rain. If she couldn’t do anything about Pearl, there was no reason to be here. _No reason to be anywhere._ She walked out and closed the door behind her.

* * *

As Jasper left, she was filled with an urge to hurt her own gem. It was not useful, so she would not do it... but she wished the rain would turn to hail strong enough to wound her. Why was she so _stupid_? It was foolish of her to ever think she could’ve succeeded in her mission. She was as far away from understanding Pearl as she was from pleasing her Diamond.

But then, she heard a door open behind her. Footsteps approaching - fast ones. Jasper turned just in time to see the bent handle of a spear wrapped in cloth thrust in front of her face. Behind it was Pearl, her brand-new outfit drenched. “Here; Don’t walk home without an umbrella, you’ll be soaked,” she said.

“I’m already soaked?” Jasper responded. She didn’t understand why it mattered, but she took the device and held it horizontally over her head. It didn’t make much of a difference.

“I know that! Just use it properly so it doesn’t get worse - stars, do I have to do everything?” Pearl asked, then yanked the spear from Jasper, unbound a small ribbon around it and clicked a button. The cloth opened, creating a translucent, circular shield from the elements.

Jasper held it over her head. _Much better_ , she thought - it covered both herself and the small, skinny gem before her.

Pearl sighed. Her jaw was tense, her teeth worrying her lower lip. She looked back at Lapis’ house and shook her head. “...Come on, I’ll at least walk you home,” she finally said. 

Jasper looked at her with brows furrowed in confusion. The other gem looked away, her arms crossed. This was strange. Pearl started walking, and Jasper, holding their ‘umbrella’, walked with her. She didn’t want someone favored by their Diamond to be rained on further, if that was somehow a problem... but she also could not stop her lips from pointing out: “You said you needed time.”

“I do,” Pearl insisted. “You made me angry, and I still am,” she said. Her tone revealed just the slightest fire. She was, as she said, still angry. 

Then why was she even here? Jasper could not say. “I actually won’t bother you. You didn’t have to come here,” she clarified.

“I know,” said Pearl. “It’s not that I’m particularly thrilled to be walking in the rain with someone who just poofed me...” she trailed off. She would not say why she was here, and Jasper thought it best not to push it.

They kept walking. The rain created ambience, a situation which did not require words. It was not unpleasant for Jasper, but she imagined it was for Pearl. The quartz glanced behind her towards the dwelling that housed Lapis. There was something so unsettling about the way the water gem looked at her... but it’s not like Pearl would understand. _Everyone_ here seemed perfectly content with Lapis, and Pearl even held her hand... “There must be somewhere else you’d rather wanna be.”

Pearl looked behind her and, to Jasper’s surprise, gave a sardonic little laugh. “Oh, her? That’s a project, sure, but quite an exhausting one. You forget you’re not my only student... nor the only one who can be quite _trying_. I think I’ve had enough of Lapis Lazuli for the next week.”

Jasper smirked. She couldn’t help but relate, and that was a new feeling. She’d never heard anyone else say a bad word about the terraformer. Her lips moved faster than she could stop herself: “I’ve had enough of her for a lifetime.”

Pearl laughed. “You’re terrible!”

Jasper couldn’t believe she actually laughed. Her eyes lit up and she let herself talk without thinking again: “So is she!”

“Oh, shush!” Pearl said, but she laughed _again_ , so it was clear it was another instance of her not being quite literal. She covered her giggles with her hand, but she couldn’t fool Jasper. She was smiling. Both of them were.

For a moment, Jasper almost forgot how tense their situation was... but that didn’t mean it was over now. Once the laughter died down, the apprehension between them was palpable. Pearl seemed almost guilty for having laughed in the first place: “Well, I suppose some part of me still enjoys your crude charisma.”

They reached the shed that Jasper called her makeshift abode. “I guess we’re here...” Pearl announced.

Arriving at their destination felt like leaving the quietude and comraderie of the moment behind, and they were forced to create an appropriate goodbye and acknowledge their current status. Which, to Jasper, was unknown. She had no idea why Pearl was here.

But instead of saying anything, Pearl acted: She opened the door to the little shack and looked up.

Jasper quirked an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

“Well, I had to check that the roof wouldn’t give in and that there weren’t any significant leaks, but it looks alright,” Pearl responded. “That being said, don’t jump up and down too much. We made this shed from old wood scraps from a broken barn, so it’s not exactly as suited for the elements as our usual housing. It’s such a shame that you - that anyone, really - has to stay in such a place...”

“Not for long,” Jasper noted.

“No, not for long...” Pearl agreed. She came back outside and back under the 'umbrella' they had shared. Her expression severe, she looked Jasper right in the eye and said: “I have to ask something about Steven, which I didn’t want to do, but frankly, it’s necessary: Does he know what you did to me?”

Jasper shook her head. “No. He thinks you’ve been on a mission.”

Pearl nodded. “Alright. I’ll have to shift back to my old form when I see him, but other than that, I think he will be fine...” she mused to herself, looking beyond what was seeable, in the direction of the Temple.

“If my Diamond is fine, everything is,” Jasper affirmed.

“No, it just mean he’s fine,” Pearl corrected. There was an unspoken ‘but we’re not’ at the end there, but it’s not like anyone needed to say it.

Silence fell once more.

The rain splashed on the pavement as before, unyielding when their words died... but Jasper still felt marred by the uncertainty of the situation.

Pearl was angry, and her right was to _stay_ angry and stay away, just as Jasper’s right was to accept that and let her go. Yet here she was. So perhaps it wasn’t a good idea, but Jasper decided to ask again: “Why are you here?”

There was a pause. Pearl fiddled with her hands, something Jasper recognized as a nervous habit. But her voice was steady when she finally said: “Well, I figured it would be rude not to offer you an umbrella.”

What a puny reason... “I’ve done nothing to deserve it.”

Pearl shook her head. "You’re the same old Jasper... Maybe some of us think people shouldn’t have to walk alone and drenched, regardless of what they deserve.”

“Then take this with you. If being wet is an unsightly state, you’ll need it for your trip back to the Temple” Jasper said, giving the item back. As she did, she remembered she still had Pearl’s book tucked under her other arm. That brought her thoughts to her mission... she had already failed in pleasing Pearl. Perhaps the book was not for her to understand at all. Jaspers didn’t give up... but maybe trying was just making it worse: “And... and you can have this back as well,” she said, defeated.

“Keep it,” Pearl insisted, pushing the book back towards Jasper. “If you want to read and reflect over yourself, there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Just don’t do it because of some misinformed urge to manipulate me.”

“I won’t. I know you’re not ready to teach me. I just want to understand,” Jasper replied.

“Okay,” Pearl said. There seemed to be a finality to their interaction, so Jasper was prepared to let her leave once more.

But Pearl was not quite satisfied: “You... you really learned the Roman alphabet while I was away? You didn’t just say that to impress me?” she asked.

“Of course,” Jasper said without hesitation. “Jaspers do what they need to.”

Pearl made a little ‘hm’ noise in acknowledgement. “I suppose they try to.”

And with that, she left.

* * *

Jasper woke up to the sound of gallopping hooves. A pace like lightning. Closer and closer. Overwhelming, it made her gem pulse like it was about to break. The sound was like thunder that resounded throughout Little Homeworld at night. But looking through her window, there was sunlight now... Pearl was right. The roof had survived, not a drop of water leaking through.

She got to her feet and exited. There was Pearl again... but she was not alone, nor on foot. She was astride a black horse, and she offered Jasper her hand.

Jasper shook her head. She was far too heavy for this beast.

“She’s carried everyone I’ve let on her thus far!” Pearl said with a smile. 

Jasper smiled, too. Perhaps it was alright, then. She took Pearl’s hand and rose up to straddle the horse... but just as she got seated, she felt a distressing whine from the creature, and it cracked. It split in two, and Jasper fell. There was nothing beneath her, and she kept falling until she could no longer see Pearl or the world. Or anything but the darkness.

* * *

Jasper woke up once more.

The dark skies had turned to a brighter gray... but the rain still hurried to the ground, like each droplet couldn’t wait for its own destruction.

Nobody was at the door.

Jasper’s eyes fell to the ground. There was Pearl’s book, which she had inexplicably let the quartz keep... the first thing to catch her eye after another night where her mind was filled with strange ‘dreams’.

Perhaps this tattered old thing could teach her about that, like Pearl had thought... Jasper flipped through the pages, reading each headline slowly (making sure not to mix up letters with Gem glyph) until she landed on one called ‘Consciousness.’

That was a start - dreams seemed to be a departure from her conscious state altogether, a distraction from a cruel and ugly world... sure enough, looking through the adjacent pages, she landed on a section about ‘dreams’, and beneath it, competing theories of why we dream:

 _Wish fulfillment?_ How stupid. As if Jasper’s desire was to see a nameless creature fail to carry her weight. As if she had any right to fantasize about seeing her old Diamond... her life belonged to her new one. That was all there was.

 _A byproduct of REM activity?_ Reading about it, Jasper quickly learned this was something inherent to the human mind. They _needed_ sleep, weaklings as they (usually) were, and that certainly didn’t apply to her.

 _Cognitive problem-solving?_ Equally ridiculous as wish fulfillment. There was no problem to be solved in seeing her own failures. There was only pressing forward.

Just like that, the chapter moved on to ‘drug-induced states’, neglecting to even attempt to answer the question of why Jasper dreamt. What a pitiful little book... It couldn’t even agree with itself on why _humans_ dreamed, nor TRY to approach a conclusion that could apply to gems.

Yet another _failure_ was all Jasper saw in these pages.

Perhaps Pearl saw value in it, so the thing was likely useful in learning about humans... but learning about herself was beyond the pages’ ambition. As usual, nothing helped her understand anything. She put the book back on the ground whence it came, and walked out.

As Jasper’s boots hit the wet dirt paths of Little Homeworld - aimless, on a day without a single class - a disgusting and familiar feeling filled her: Pointlessness.

When she could not progress, there was no _use_ for her. She’d be better off if the rain had turned to hail and crushed her gem. At least then, her materials could be repurposed to a more useful and beneficial form.

Jasper reached the end. From this point, there was no more Little Homeworld. She’d walked its entire area, scoured the streets from west to east. And within it, she had found nothing. She heard the windchimes laugh - they haunted the treshold of this entire pointless place.

If she left... if she walked far enough into the eastward ocean, maybe she would find a place deeper than she had ever gone before. One with pressure strong enough to crush her, if she let it.

The wind changed. Jasper’s messy, wet hair obscured her vision and her gaze drifted left. There, at the edge of this little world, stood a bright yellow building with pale azure for a roof. The sign above the entrance read: “Little Homeworld Community Library.”

Jasper almost had to laugh... She’d always believed in destiny, but in a world that made sense, the cure for pointless books would not be more pointless books. But very little of this place had yielded meaning. So she might as well amuse the universe and go with this new wind.

Jasper walked inside, meeting gentler, earthier tones which created an atmosphere not unlike her old forest. It was not a place of pleasing decor, but it was calm. It would do as well as any other meaningless building.

Then the calm disappeared. Just as she’d done last time they met, seeing Pearl sitting so casually by herself in a plush black corner chair, eyes half-closed, a humble lamp creating a glow across her face made Jasper’s entire body tense.

Oh no. Jasper should not be here. She was but a single bookshelf away, yet had vowed to disappear from Pearl’s sight... She intended to stick by it. She needed to leave before she was seen - but as she was about to will her form into action, Pearl gazed up from the thick book that occupied her slender arms and found yellow eyes looking back.

“Oh,” Pearl said.

Jasper put up her hands as if to calm a wayward beast. “I’ll leave,” she promised. She could imagine herself so easily as a thunderstorm spoiling Pearl’s day.

But Pearl had a question for her: “Wait, please. What brought you here?”

Jasper had no answer for that. No logical one, anyway: “I... had a bad dream.” She felt a bit ashamed of such a silly little reason to do anything.

Pearl looked a bit taken aback. “Well... that certainly is a problem. What were you hoping to do about it?”

As if Jasper knew. She looked to the floor, defeated.

Pearl accepted that. She returned to her book. 

The memory of last night hung in the air. Both the bad and the... Jasper didn’t quite know. The good felt too optimistic. Perhaps the hopeful.

Should Jasper... leave? She wasn’t sure. She decided to ask: “Do you want me to go?”

Pearl sighed: “I can’t really see myself throwing someone out if they’re scared after having a nightmare, Jasper. If you wish to sit, you may,” she said, gesturing towards a black, equally plush chair on the other side of her little table.

Jasper hesitated. Sitting down... it felt like a more permanent move. Was that something Pearl wanted her to do, or was she merely being polite? Jasper decided to push the conversation, to gauge her mood: “I tried your book. It didn’t tell me why I dream. I don’t know... maybe it all means nothing.”

Pearl responded as if one challenged: “I’m rather fond of the idea that we explore conscious and subconscious desires through our dreams, actually... but I suppose that may seem useless, if you’re someone who is still not quite aware of how to cope with one’s own feelings.” 

Jasper shook her head. “It wouldn’t make sense. Why would I want to break a horse in half?”

Pearl shrugged. “These things aren’t always _literal_. Not that I expect you to know that.”

And with that, that seemed like Jasper’s cue to leave.

...Or it would be, if Pearl’s words didn’t stop her again. “Was it about... you know... her, again?” There was a flicker of vulnerability in her voice, though Jasper could not tell if she was failing to hide it or allowing the sentimentality.

Jasper crossed her arms in defense. If Pearl’s little theory was true, and it had to do with any latent _want_... she was glad that hadn’t repeated itself. Her current Diamond was what should matter. “No. I only dreamed of her twice. She - whatever it was - hasn’t come back to me. It likely meant nothing.” _Just like everything else._

Pearl looked down to her own hands. Was she... disappointed? Perhaps she had hoped to see that pink hair again. She curled her fingers to scrape them against her palms, which Jasper assumed a nervous habit.

As Jasper was becoming used to, the silence between them was not exactly comfortable. Standing while Pearl sat highlighted the disparity - Jasper was meant to leave, Pearl was meant to stay. The reality of it made her restless, like she needed to do something or drown trying. There was but one other thing she could think of to say: “You were there, though. In the dream.”

“Oh...” Pearl said. “Well, I don't know what to say about that. Maybe it did mean nothing at all.” 

Jasper agreed that seemed the likeliest scenario. All you could do was push on through the meaninglessness, hoping for the day things start to make sense again. 

As if they were back in the rain, Jasper felt the ache to stop being _this_ , to have the capacity to be anything but void, stupid and useless. But just like then, Pearl offered a single, translucent umbrella: “I think... I would like for you to sit with me. Please.”

Jasper didn't know why Pearl said that. But she obliged. She sat in the chair next to Pearl’s, and watched her as she read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, I appreciate all comments and feedback <3


	11. A Boy and His Quartz

Jasper sat by Pearl's side for what might've been one-eight of an Earth day. The pastel gem read and the quartz watched her. 

Jasper had to watch her - this felt like a test in its own right. To... be near Pearl without messing up. So she studied her face, tried to read for any signs of discomfort, any signs on what she should or should not do. Through Pearl's miniscule changes in expression as she reacted to the words on the page, through every tap of her lithe feet in their fine new boots, through every occasional glance around the room, even when her eyes would momentarily land on Jasper, the quartz watched it all. 

Although Pearl's face was focused on written words, Jasper dared not read them. She was fearful that it would violate her promise of allowing Pearl 'space'... she didn't even quite understand why she was allowed to be here. So her eyes stayed on the multicolored creature herself. 

There was a strange peace in watching Pearl exist without her attention on judging Jasper's presence - Jasper would like to forget about her own presence, too. Pearl had a pleasing color scheme and accoutrements, impressive strength for such a small, skinny thing, and her big, expressive eyes held natural appeal... Looking at her was a distraction from Jasper's own woes. She seemed to fit in exactly where she was. Jasper couldn't say that for herself.

Sometimes, when Pearl turned a page, she would lick her finger first. Every few pages, a flick of a tongue against the pale pad of a simulated limb... but as her eyes moved quicker through the lines on the book, when she seemed impatient to know what came next, she would skip the ritual. 

On page 171, she did not lick, and cut herself on the edge, a tiny blue scar marring her finger. 

Jasper reached out by instinct. She wanted to help, to be of use - but she stopped herself just a moment before she'd grabbed the offended hand. What was she trying to _do?_ She could do nothing to heal it. All she could do was hurt. Pearl's form would poof if it truly needed to recover, just as it had before. Jasper was useless.

Pearl's eyes widened and met Jasper's, an anxious expression punctuated by shielding her hurt hand with the other. Jasper froze, caught doing something she shouldn't. She felt a prick of shame - she was supposed to respect Pearl's space. In just the short hours they'd spent here, her urge to "fix" things had made her act.

Pearl's eyes stayed on her, hesitant. Watching. Jasper retracted her hand quickly; a quiet apology for her audacity. But her eyes would not leave pale gem's hand - wishing she could do something to help. Anything.

Pearl's eyes followed the line of Jasper's sight. She quirked an eyebrow as she looked between her own hand and Jasper, as if processing the larger gem's reaction. And then... her expression calmed. She reached up and summoned a glass bottle from her gem, its contents an iridescent, pastel swirl. She tipped it gently to allow some drops to fall on her skin; momentarily, her wound was gone. 

Pearl displayed her hand to Jasper: "See? I'm alright," she reassured. 

Jasper had to ask: "Are you sure?"

Pearl's lip quirked upwards and she nodded, something like bemusement on her face. "I'm sure," she said calmly. 

Jasper's expression must've calmed too, for the other gem soon became comfortable enough to return to her reading. 

Jasper felt relieved Pearl was okay, yet disappointed with herself. Once more, she was struck by her own lack of ability to be useful to anyone.

There they stayed. The light slowly shifted in the library, from east to west - Jasper watching, Pearl reading with a similar enthusiasm as before. Perhaps it was a useful distraction from thinking about the foolish and irrelevant quartz besides her.

About one-twelfth of an Earth day later, Pearl spoke up again: "Are you enjoying the story?"

Jasper blinked in confusion. "Hm?" 

"The story," Pearl insisted, her intonation implying this was obvious as she tapped a finger against the page. "You said you could read this alphabet, so i’m assuming you’ve read along. If I was going too fast, tell me and I will pace myself.”

“I wasn’t reading!” Jasper defended. _I can, but I didn't think you wanted me to._ Perhaps Jasper’s previous cruelty and foolishness had left the smaller gem disbelieving that she could exist near her without doing something stupid. But Jasper wanted to believe she was capable of respect, if it was for someone who deserved it.

“Then... what have you been doing?” Pearl asked.

“Just lookin’ at you.”

Pearl’s eyes widened, and her cheeks turned turquoise. “Oh...” she said as if it was a surprise. “For - for _two hours?_ ”

“Yes,” Jasper replied. As if she needed to explain herself, she elaborated: "Needed to know you weren't... feeling angry, or threatened, with me here. So I kept looking. To make sure it was okay... and it's better than looking elsewhere. You look nicer than this crummy little building." 

Pearl's lip quirked upwards again, but it wasn't quite ready to be a smile. Suddenly, she seemed in a hurry to get back to her book, for she looked away and hid her face in its pages.

Perhaps Jasper had done something bad again. "I can stop. I don't have to look."

"No, it's alright - you can... look," Pearl admitted, but she kept her face hidden, masking herself with the pages. Her left foot tapped against the floor as she read, hasty and a little off-beat. 

"I don't wanna bother you," Jasper offered as an out.

Pearl waved a hand in Jasper's direction, a high-pitched little laugh escaping her: "Oh, don't be silly! I asked you to be here, didn't I? So... go right ahead." She lowered the book, revealing that her cheeks were still turquoise. She seemed to have an excessive need to defend Jasper's right to look at her.

"You did," Jasper affirmed. She still didn't know why, but she would not question it. She obeyed and kept her eyes on Pearl's form... She watched her read until the sun started to fade and the colors of the library cooled, at which point, Pearl closed its pages with a gentle exhale of breath, storing it in her gem.

"That's enough for today. Thank you for keeping me company," Pearl said, standing up and smoothing her hair.

"You're _thanking_ me?" Jasper asked, her confusion obvious. 

Pearl looked at Jasper as if she was the one caught doing something bad. She hurried to qualify her words: "Well, I mean, perhaps it's not something to _thank_ per se, but it's certainly an improvement on your part. This... didn't feel bad. You gave me space when I asked, and you stayed because I asked -"

"Why did you ask?" Jasper interrupted. She had been thinking about it this whole time. There was no avoiding that it would consume her if she did not know. 

Pearl went quiet for a moment, her eyes darting around before landing on the safe solitude of the ceiling. "I had an impulse. I felt... sad. Not my sadness, but yours, and that was the problem," she said, which didn't exactly make things obvious. Pearl put a hand up, indicating she still had things to say. "I don't mean to confuse you Jasper, though I suppose there's no avoiding that I've been flip-flopping. One second I want to help you, the next I'm scared that wanting that is too selfless. You remind me so much of what I used to be like, and that tempts me to push on even when you're awful. I'm not _supposed_ to do that - I shouldn't be thinking of the needs of others anymore..." 

_Anymore?_ Jasper mused. So there was indeed a time she wanted to live for others, as a pearl would... The smaller gem lowered her eyes, meeting the quartz': "That's why I'm taking time off from teaching. I can't get _invested_ \- I have to do it because I enjoy it. It wouldn't be good for me if my decisions were made for your sake. So for now... I just want to feel like I can be selfish around you. Thank you."

Jasper shook her head. "There is nothing to thank me for." _I've been useless to you,_ she added mentally. She didn't deserve anything resembling praise.

"Well, I'm choosing to," Pearl argued, her delicate right eyebrow carefully positioned into a slight upwards quirk, a challenge to accept her claim.

Jasper couldn't deny her that, even if she was wrong to thank her. She said nothing.

Neither of them said anything, in fact, so Jasper looked away... it was a habit for when she didn't want others to pry into her. She had no authority to fight back against Pearl's words, but it still felt wrong. It felt undeserved. 

A gentle sigh brought Jasper's attention back to her counterpart. She found Pearl leaning against the nearest bookcase, twisting her fingers together and rubbed them awkwardly. She seemed to be struggling with something. 

"What's wrong?" Jasper wondered out loud.

"Well, _you're_ doing alright. You improved. It's not you who needs to do anything, it's... it's on _me_ to decide how I want to respond..." she trailed off. "You'll accept whatever I say, won't you?"

"I will," Jasper agreed, nodding without hesitation. 

"Okay," Pearl said, and closed her eyes. She repeated quiet words to herself: "I do what's best for me. I only need to think about what I want. I don't need to fix things - I just need to take care of me. I'm true to what I want, and what I want to do is..."

Pearl opened her eyes without concluding the final sentence. It seemed to Jasper as if those words were a practiced mantra... but finishing required a decision. 

The pastel gem took another moment before she responded, resuming the rhythmic tapping of her foot. Abandonment or forgiveness were the options Jasper had imagined, but the answer Pearl had found was neither: "Well, this wasn't so bad, so... _maybe_ we could read together again sometime," she admitted.

Jasper looked up at her in disbelief. "Really?" 

Pearl hurried to qualify it: "The operative word was maybe!" 

"I know - I know," Jasper replied, raising her hands as if it were a calming gesture towards a wild animal. "I heard you." It may not be useful to her mission, but... if this 'library' made Pearl happy, Jasper had no reason to protest. Those beloved by her Diamond ought to be happy. 

Pearl sighed. "Stars, indecision will be the death of me... this is why your kind thinks pearls shouldn't make decisions, I suppose," she chucked grimly. "But 'maybe' is good! Good for me, you know - I'm not committing either way!" she insisted, as if she was trying to reassure herself: "I'll approach you if I want to, but I don't _have_ to. In fact, I don't have to think about what you want at all! You'll accept whatever I say, and everything will be entirely my decision!" she seemed to tell herself, looking down on Jasper. 

"Right," Jasper agreed. The more Pearl talked, the more it was deliberately, proudly obvious she wasn't pitying the quartz with her decision. That was welcome indeed.

"Exactly! Amethyst was right about you, I don't need to worry right now. I shouldn't, anyway - I just need to think about myself!" Pearl asserted.

Jasper furrowed her brows. That sounded wrong. " _Amethyst_ was?"

"Oh, yes, she told me all about it," Pearl said with a nod, which didn't explain anything. That must've been obvious, because she raised her finger and elaborated: "When I returned to the Temple last night, she told me what you did. How you advanced through her class and picked up non-Diamond interests... I'm so glad you care about things besides pleasing Steven!" Pearl said, clapping her hands together. 

Why was she so happy about _that_? Such a gruesome, pointless idea - thinking Jasper was in any way 'done' with existing for her Diamond's sake. That meant living for nothing. And if there was no grander purpose, if there was nothing to hope for... why would anyone keep going?

And she sounded so... earnest. Like she genuinely thought a life of nothing was ‘good’.

Pearl wasn't done, either: "At first, I didn't believe it. I'm sure you can imagine why...” she forced an awkward little laugh. Jasper's foolish actions were not worth mentioning by name. “But she said you were obsessed with some secret hobby, well outside the realm of your mission. She was, characteristically, a bit upset that you'd rejected her invitation to hang out, but that's her own ego talking, I'm sure,” Pearl laughed, waving her hand as if rejecting the thought.

She was wrong, of course. All Jasper had done was convince Amethyst to help her learn the alphabet and teach her Pearl’s other interests, which was really to get her to teach her, which, in turn, had been to advance her mission. Not that Amethyst knew that.

Had been. She knew now those efforts were useless... as was everything she did. 

Pearl was still _smiling_ , too: ”Well, in any case, I can see the results for myself. You clearly feel sorry for what you did; that must be her work. She's very good at helping gems, don't you think?"

Jasper regretted asking. She was _failing_ her mission, and apparently, failing it to such an extent that the Crystal Gems who saw her the most thought she didn't care about it anymore. Even Pearl, who was supposed to be wise beyond her gem type.

Letting Pearl exist for herself was not Jasper's gain. It was Pearl who was loved by their Diamond; it was Pearl who was too powerful to be bullied. It was Pearl who deserved it, not Jasper who had done anything right. How Pearl acted so happy living so _pointlessly_ was beyond her comprehension.

The quartz' eyes lowered in shame. As always, nothing about Little Homeworld was useful, nor was Jasper herself. Every brick was laid to mock her, every path lead to nowhere. Circles of dust and the false hope of colored lights. And it was all her own fault - she was given, HE gave the chance to swim here and was drowning hopelessly. Again and again. It was exhausting. 

Why did trying always hurt more than it helped? 

Pearl seemed to notice the larger gem's change in demeanor. She walked a little closer, and her expression was more... probing. More wary of what she was looking at. "That's a _good_ thing, Jasper. You believe that now, don't you?

Jasper clenched her teeth behind her lips. If nothing she did was useful... she may as well just tell Pearl what she wanted to hear: "Of course."

Pearl seemed to accept that, her eyes straying towards the exit. Perhaps relieved she didn't need to do anything as silly as worry about Jasper: "Good! Well then, I'll leave! Right now! Bye!" she asserted, and walked away at a fast pace. It looked awkward and almost robotic, like she was forcing herself to leave and didn't quite know how.

Jasper couldn't relax back into her chair. These gems... they kept being so _happy_ about everything that went beyond the duties towards a Diamond. What a joke. As if she could ever be like them... giving up on who they were, yet living still, as if it didn't pain them at all. 

_Stars,_ how could it not pain them? What did anyone have in life except their Diamonds? They were life itself - living without them was living without meaning. Living without meaning left you with nothing but yourself, and... If you did not trust in their plan, that meant that every battle was for nothing. Every time she'd felt worthless, every time she'd gotten hurt... that couldn't be for no good reason.

That couldn't be. There was no way to bear living such a pointless life.

Jasper needed to go outside.

* * *

Beyond the library was the exit of Little Homeworld. The rain had stopped, but Jasper could see its impact on the scenery - puddles reflected her miserable face, 'plants' drooped low and shone with moonlit water. 

What a yielding, weak-willed world. 

Jasper needed to break something. Anything.

She looked at herself in a puddle by her feet... that awful sight. That awful gem. That was something she could break.

Her mind raced. If everyone thought she had abandoned her Diamond, they must think she's awful - more awful than she realized, laughing at her failure every time her pointless form was in their way. His laughter rang loudest of all, as clear as the hideous sound of the wind chimes in the pathetic, windswept trees around her. 

Jasper stood at the boundary. It was a familiar feeling; the same as when she had lived in the mountains, ringing in hollow echoes during her time here, louder and louder... emptiness. If she went now, she knew she could go quietly. Nobody would have to know.

Nobody would feel forced to see her again.

Jasper brought her red hand to the sharp point of her gem. She stopped - what was she thinking? That again? These were not _allowed_ thoughts. Her Diamond had brought her back for a reason. Even if things felt pointless, he still existed. Therefore, that did not mean they were. 

Her DIamond surely knew why Jasper needed to exist. Leaving was not right to think about - she HAD to live. She did it for him, not for herself. 

Still, she still needed to punch something.

Jasper stepped past the edge of the settlement, heading back to the woods whence she had once lived. Nobody went there. There, she would find a way to crush these useless feelings into submission.

* * *

As Jasper's heavy boots fell upon a familiar hill, she felt herself slow. Her manifested limbs felt tense, at edge... was the rustling of the trees from wind or from movement? Was something watching her? 

What a useless thought. Who'd care enough to follow her? 

As she hiked, she spotted a blue 'flower' - she did not know its name, but it had a strange shape. It bent in the shape of a bell. She did not recall seeing this type around here.

More importantly, around it... footsteps, small ones. _Huh._ How had she not noticed them before? A distracted mind made for a dull quartz. But she walked the same path they did, far too curious for her own good. 

She should've realized before she arrived by her old cave - there's only one other gem who ever came up this hill. 

There was the person she was always looking for. 

The person she lived for. 

Her Diamond, her world; Steven Universe. 

He was here. Really here. Perfection, purpose, life and love - the incarnate of them all, brought forth by ancient stars and the newness of this world to guide gemkind.

But this was not a time to celebrate. Jasper was _not_ supposed to be here - not supposed to let herself fall within his sights. Another failure... it was HIS will that she 'not follow' him, and yet here she was. Where she couldn't help but go.

Jasper turned to leave, to hurry away before he knew - but of course, he would've heard her no matter what. He was meant to be wise, to be knowing.

And Jasper was meant to be careless enough to accidentally crack a branch under her boot as she turned, drawing attention to herself.

He turned to face her. He stood on what had been barren ground, meticulously made that way as Jasper's need to be alone made her pull out every living thing around her. But organic life was back - an uneven circle around her Diamond's feet. 

And in that moment, she realized why... he was crying. As his tears splashed onto the ground, it created new life, inherently warm and good as he was - grass, white flowers, yellow flowers, all brought here by him.

"Oh, it’s you Jasper...” her Diamond said in a hoarse voice. He wiped his tears in a hurry. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want grass around here. I couldn't help it...”

Jasper scrambled out of the bushes and fell to her knees. How... how could he be so kind? How could he ever apologize to someone as lowly as her? “My Diamond, I am the one who should be sorry. I did not mean to disturb you."

"Oh, you don't need to do that. Please, don't bow to me," her Diamond insisted.

Jasper stood immediately. "Of course, my Diamond."

Her Diamond shook his head. "And you don't need to call me - actually, ignore that. Sorry. It's not my place to push you on that. You'll figure it out eventually." 

Jasper didn't understand what he meant. He seemed distressed at her presence - perhaps this was not for her to see. "My Diamond... do you want me to leave?"

"Oh, you can stay, but you really don't have to. It's up to you!” 

Jasper knew it absolutely was not. She thought herself so useless, such a broken thing. But if his wall was for her to stay... she would try her best to be whatever he needed her to be: "My Diamond, my one and only concern is your well-being. Are you alright?”

He snorted. “You’re... you’re the one asking me?”

“Of course, my Diamond.”

“Heh, I guess that makes sense now...” he laughed weakly. Another tear threatened to fall, but he wiped it in time. “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

What a thing to say. Jasper could only praise him: “My Diamond is perfect, as always.”

Her Diamond sniffled. “Even when I’m ruining your base?”

“Always,” Jasper answered with full sincerity. All of hers was his now, anyway.

The Diamond before Jasper smiled... but she could not help but sense he looked tired as well. She had the brief thought of wondering whether they were here for a similar reason. She banished the thought - surely he knew he was a useful and worthy being.

* * *

Jasper's Diamond had deigned it proper to sit atop his quartz' old cave, looking down on Beach City and Little Homeworld. Jasper stood behind him on guard, her hands dutifully at her sides. The half-human gave a wistful sigh. "It all looks so small from up here, huh?"

Jasper did not know if she was meant to reply. To be safe, she said nothing.

The Diamond had more to say: “Hey, Jasper. Is it... is it okay to ask you to something?”

When addressed, Jasper did not hesitate. “Anything, my Diamond.”

The greater gem turned in his seat to look at her: “You’ll be okay no matter what I do, right?” he asked, and his eyes bore into her to find the truth. While his words were _always_ important, this question in particular felt deeply considered, contemplated and phrased to gauge Jasper's reaction. 

“My... Diamond?” 

The gem in question shook his head. “I’m not asking as a Diamond, Jasper. I'm asking more like... a friend, if that makes any sense to you. I just need to know you won’t fall apart if I do something that...” he bit his lip. “Something I think you might not like.”

Her Diamond seemed... hesitant, but Jasper knew that nothing would ever make her fealty to him fade. “You can do anything you want, my Diamond.”

Her Diamond took a deep breath. “...Okay. I will. Thank you, Jasper."

A rustling noise caused both of them to look back, to a tree tall enough to tower above the cave Jasper had called her own.

“Was that... you?” Her Diamond asked.

Jasper shook her head. “No, my Diamond.”

“Huh... probably just some bird, then," he mused.

“Do you want me to get rid of it?” Jasper offered. A way to be useful.

“What? No, don’t do that!” Her Diamond protested. His expression was one of hurt, like his subject had offended him immensely. 

Jasper stood stock still, ashamed at her own audacity to act.

To her great surprise, her Diamond looked as if he regretted his own words. “I mean..." he tried, his expression pained. "I guess this is technically your place, so... if you really want to hunt... I guess... I can’t... stop you...?”

“Of course you can stop me, my Diamond. I never want to displease you.”

Her Diamond frowned. “I know. That’s the messed up part...”

Jasper once again didn't understand his words. But before she could ask, another rustling noise made them both look behind once again. 

The half-human groaned. “Jasper, do you mind just... chasing it away? I don't need a lot of noise right now. It’s making me a little nervous. Sorry, I know I shouldn’t ask you anything...”

“Consider it done. Of course, I’m sure no matter what it is, you could take it with ease, my Diamond," Jasper said with a quick salute, and turned to face the trees behind her little cave. Her Diamond was strong, surely he had nothing to fear.

“...Yeah, I probably could," Her Diamond grumbled behind her. He said it in an oddly sad tone. 

Just as Jasper approached the strangely active tree, it rustled a third time - but this was different, for a figure swooped out. Into the moonlight sprung a blue and red gem with wings like a Lazuli, four legs and brown hair, grinning as she pulled out a sword of water. 

But she was not here for Jasper - instead, she flew straight for her Diamond and her saber met her Diamond's hastily-summoned, hexagonal shield. 

The strange, two-tone gem cackled. “I’ve got you this time, Steven Universe! Boy, have I ever got you! I’ve been waiting for a _week_ for you to leave that stupid base of yours, and now that you’re away from your little friends...”

Jasper couldn't hesitate. She ran to confront the intruder, summoning the latest edition of her weapon - with its band, visor and horns. “Not all his friends!” she yelled, throwing herself head-first into the fight. She reeled back to punch her adversary, who gasped and barely flew out of the way in time.

"Jasper!" her Diamond called out from behind her. The orange gem turned immediately, her attention on her superior. "Don’t do anything risky!" 

Jasper couldn't help but smile... he cared so? "She's the one who is going to get hurt. That's a promise, my Diamond." 

For some reason, he didn't look comforted by that.

Jasper grabbed for her opponent. The red-blue gem narrowly flew out of the way. When she came back around for another stab, Jasper countered with a series of punches. They were dodged. 

The little thing was quick. Each and every time, dodging, then another aereal assault. The quartz readied her spin attack and dashed at her, but she soared higher yet. 

However, Jasper would not let the creature - some kind of _fusion_ , it seemed - hurt her Diamond. Whenever her adversary flew down in offense, she was there to shield him, a powerful enough threat to make the enemy retreat into the sky.

After sparring for a few moments, the fusion got visibly frustrated, snarling. She - no, they - summoned a larger water sword, sizable enough to require both of their hands. Jasper saw her chance. As soon as the enemy prepared to strike, Jasper punched them from the side and into a tree.

Her Diamond gasped. "Be careful!" Jasper could only assume he was concerned these other gems would retaliate in full. She'd make quick work of them before they could.

“Ugh, who are you supposed to be?! This brute wasn’t a problem last time!” the fusion complained as they slashed at Jasper, who blocked it with her horns. She responded with yet more punches. Dodge. Another punch. Dodge again. 

"I am Red-Striped Jasper Facet-9, Cut-7XE and you will NOT hurt my Diamond!" Jasper declared, growling at the enemy.

At that, the fusion paused. “Wait, you're THAT Jasper?" Then, they immediately spoke again, as if in response: "What do you mean, 'that' Jasper? What are you talking about?" they argued with themselves, seemingly losing whatever balance was between them. 

They turned to light and unfused on the ground before Jasper - revealing an Aquamarine and a Ruby. 

The Aquamarine frowned, glaring at her counterpart. "Ruby, what are you doing!?”

“This is - you know, THE Jasper! The Beta Kindergarten Quartz who could!" the Ruby defended, pointing at the quartz. "She’s the strongest, most perfect Jasper in the world - Jasper, oh my stars I’m such a big fan, will you help us take down this clod?” she had the nerve to ask, smiling in obvious excitement.

“ _What_ did you call him?” Jasper hissed in response.

The Ruby rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, he's the cloddiest!" she said, rolling her non-gem eye. "He ruins the system just when gems like us were _finally_ on top. Let’s all team up, fuse, and take him down! We'll take his loot, his gemstone and whatever pearls he got laying around!”

This again. Another person _dared_ imply anything mattered more to Jasper than her Diamond... but they were wrong. She would prove it to everyone who would ever insult her loyalty. He was everything. She would never question that.

“I would rather die!" Jasper snarled, reeling back to punch the Ruby, _enjoying_ watching that cocky smile turn to shock and fear - but the Aquamarine swooped in and lifted her into the sky. 

The Ruby and the Aquamarine held on to one another tight. They closed their eyes, turning to light - and moments later, the red-blue fusion was back. 

Jasper refused to be intimidated. “I don’t care if you’re a fusion... I’ll crush you!" she promised. She glowed bright with fiery energy and shot upwards to meet them in the sky. 

The fusion gasped. Jasper was too fast, and headbutted them hard. They hurled into the nearby bushes, and Jasper smiled. This felt right. This felt like exactly what she was supposed to be doing this whole time. Protecting her Diamond without question, without any other concerns.

This was what she existed to do. Just go with it. Fight for your Diamond and hold nothing back. Don't think about pain or feelings, just do exactly as you're supposed to.

"Wait!" Her Diamond called. Jasper flinched - what was wrong? 

When she turned to him, she saw it. Her Diamond's form was... unsteady. His colors flickering. His body turned pink in moments, then flashed back to his usual form. "Just... okay, this is fine... ah, oh no..." he said, his voice sounding almost dizzy. He fell on his knees, holding his head. He was breathing hard.

Jasper snarled. They did this to him. They DARED threaten him, and they would pay. When her enemies gathered their bearings and dashed at Jasper again, she slammed her horns right through the fusion’s chest, crashing to the ground with the fusion.

Or rather, the ex-fusion, for the pair before her were forcibly unfused once more. Jasper smirked, a cruel laugh escaping her. "Now... Let's end this. Should I shatter you together or one at a time?"

Suddenly, the voice of her Diamond called out: “No! _Stop_!”

And with that, a wall of pink emerged - tall and mighty, separating Jasper from her enemies. 

The quartz' eyes widened. It was not her place to be afraid, she knew her Diamond always did what was right... but still. Still. Her flawed form remembered. A shiver went up her spine. A weak part wanted to cover her gem with her hands. She had to suppress the urge. Had to.

Her Diamond jumped down to ground level, standing between them. "Jasper, please don't hurt them! I know... I know they tried to hurt me, but..." he seemed to struggle for words. Or perhaps it was the occasional flashes of pink which bothered him. His color-change happened again. He groaned and rubbed his forehead.

Her poor Diamond... His closest 'friends' weren't here this time, but Jasper was. She would do anything to help him calm... but he did not command her. He just stood there, breathing. 

In and out.  
In and out.  
In and out. 

The flashes of pink stopped on their own. 

Jasper didn't need to do anything.

Her Diamond stood up straight, looked to the enemy huddling together, and then back to Jasper. "Jasper, I know you were trying to protect me but... like I told you back then, please don't." he pleaded. "Just... stand aside. I'll handle this, okay?"

_Oh... right._

It was as if she was back in the Temple. 

Jasper knew, deep down. He had given her an order, and he had meant it. She wasn't needed to protect him. He was stronger. He was able to do anything.

Why had Jasper allowed herself to indulge in such a silly fantasy? 

Why had she allowed herself to _want_ something?

His orders were above her silly mind. He could not be questioned. If... if she was too useless to protect him, she would just have to accept it.

Her expression must've been pathetic. How pitiful... she dissipated her helmet. She was useless, always. Why was she even here? 

Why had he even bothered to bring her back?

On the other side of the barrier, the Ruby was looking right at Jasper... staring at her, unblinking with her singular eye.

It took the Aquamarine to snap her out of it, nudging her arm: "Ruby... Ruby, she's not worth your time."

"But..." the Ruby protested. She then turned back to Jasper and addressed her directly: "Why are you protecting _him?_ You... you were the best! You're what I always wanted to be! Doesn't that matter to you?"

Jasper needed her to shut up. Insolent gems like that needed to be put in their place. "You’re nothing like me. I don't care about my status, I care about _earning_ it."

The Ruby looked even weaker than before.

The Aquamarine grabbed the Ruby's hand. "Don't worry about her. We don't need anyone," she reassured with a smile. "We're looking out for number one without caring what some stupid, self-righteous Diamond thinks. Or their little lackeys."

The Ruby nodded. "I know, you're right. I just... I wanted to be _just_ like her."

The blue gem smiled gently. "Well, I think you're better than her. We'll be back and get 'em both."

That made the red gem smile right back. "...Okay."

“Heyyy guys,” her Diamond spoke to the twosome, stepping up to the edge of the barrier with an awkward laugh. “So, just so the two of you know, I think you actually have the right idea about not caring what anyone thinks of you.”

Both the Aquamarine and the Ruby looked at him as if he was cracked.

“I mean it! I spent so long trying to please others, but...” he paused, and glanced at Jasper with a worn smile. “It never made me happy. I don’t think it ever could.”

His eyes returned to his enemies: “So I’m not gonna ask you to love me, or listen to my advice. You know yourself best. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll still kick your butt if you try to hurt me or my family again, but...” he paused.

Then, he took another deep breath. 

“I’m not so down on myself as to think my worth hinges on how others feel about me anymore. You’re allowed to hate me. It’s okay!” and with that, he put up two fingers, a human ‘peace’ sign - even if behind a shield.

The Aquamarine and the Ruby looked at each other in what one could assume was confusion. It was a strange speech indeed.

 _Hate_ him? Jasper winced at the notion. Nobody should hate a Diamond. Why would anyone hate their creator, the one who gave them purpose?

Why would he _allow_ that?

“Also, I’m kind of glad that you guys are so happy together. Even if it’s this... weird, twisted mutual hatred for me-thing,” her Diamond hastily added, giving the miniature gems a wink.

Suddenly, the Aquamarine hastily removed her hands from the Ruby, as if caught.

Jasper’s Diamond chuckled a little at that. 

“Well, I’ve had quite enough of this for one day,” the Aquamarine said, her voice indignant as she stood, brushing dirt off her skirt. “I don’t think we’re getting to him today. Let’s retreat and plan a new surprise attack, shall we, Ruby?”

The Ruby looked at Jasper again. There was sincere emotion in her eye, which the quartz neither knew nor cared to identify... but then, wordlessly, the red gem stopped looking at her. She swallowed whatever she was feeling, and offered her hand to her blue partner.

And with that, the Aquamarine lifted the Ruby into her arms and they flew away.

Jasper rolled her eyes. _Stupid, sentimental fusions..._ putting themselves above whatever twisted sense of justice had made them want to fight her Diamond in the first place. 

But now that they were gone... she was left with her own thoughts, and her Diamond. A Diamond who, of course, had not actually needed help in dealing with them. He was capable. Strong. In control. 

Jasper had just hoped to contribute. 

"My Diamond, I am so sorry I overstepped. I'm a failure to you,” she admitted, her arms twisted into a salute and her head bowed. Humbled.

"Oh geez..." her Diamond groaned. "This again..."

Jasper’s eyes stayed at the ground where all of her belonged. "I... I wanted to believe that there was still a way I could be useful to you."

She heard her Diamond sigh. “Old habits die hard, huh?”

Jasper winced at his tone. “I don’t know what to do, my Diamond. Is there... is there anything I can do to make you happy, or should I just...” her voice trembled. “Should I just... disappear?”

“Whoa,” she heard her Diamond utter in a quiet voice. "There is! Of course there is. Just... go back to Little Homeworld, and stay there."

"Oh...” Jasper uttered. “So that _was_ good of me?" 

"Uh, yes! That was very good of you, Jasper!" her Diamond insisted, nodding vigorously. "Well, Amethyst said you passed her class, so... I think you’ll be alright. Yeah, you’re gonna do fine, right?”

“You think so?” Jasper answered as a question. He would know the answer better. 

“Of course!" her Diamond insisted. "I know you are. You’re finally with the people who can really help you, and I’ll... um, the point is, you'll do great."

Jasper wasn’t so sure. "But my Diamond... I don't understand what I'm supposed to do there. I feel like I'm failing, and the others are _praising_ me for failing."

But her Diamond hastened to reassure her once more: “That's okay! The process you're in right now is hard, you don't have to understand everything right away. But you’ve made it this far, right? Just... keep at it until you graduate.”

“Until I graduate... and then you’ll tell me what to do next?” Jasper asked.

Her Diamond smiled. “You'll understand then. So promise me to stay there and focus on yourself, okay? I'd be very happy if you did."

His smile was truly that of a Diamond's - radiance grander than any sun. The sparkle in his eyes existed as if to give hope to others, reflecting the stars. _This_ was it. Jasper... she still had the chance to do something right. He was so merciful, and she was still chosen. She was still supposed to exist. 

"Yes, my Diamond. I _promise_ ,” Jasper said, smiling. She was filled with a new sense of willpower, and knew it was a gift from him. 

She could do this.

She WOULD do this.

She would become the _best_ student at Little Homeschool.

And then... she would finally be under his guidance again.

* * *

Jasper walked her Diamond back to the Temple, following a couple steps behind (as one should, out of respect). Once they reached the doorstep, her superior sighed. He grabbed the handle of the door and was about to enter.

He did his... breathing thing again. In and out. In and out. "Okay... thank you, Jasper,” he said.

Jasper’s brows furrowed. "For what, my Diamond?"

Her Diamond turned back to her with a weary smile. "For letting me know I don't have to worry about you. We'll be fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading. Please comment, I appreciate all feedback so much. Maybe Jasper doesn't know what could ever make her happy, but you guys make me feel it. <3


	12. The Famethyst

Jasper always considered herself a straightforward person. Her goals and devotion to those goals were made by beings of justice and power, and so, there was no point in anything else. Only that mattered. With that in mind, there was only one way she would describe these last couple Earth weeks - finally, things were going her way. The _right_ way.

Her Diamond - stars, she remembered his _smile_ \- said she was on the right path, and so, she _was_ on the right path. She’d not only passed Amethyst’s class, however strange the justification... but what mattered was that her Diamond approved of this. She’d gotten to see him, and he was not ashamed of her - he was encouraging. He wanted this for her... so she’d enrolled in as many new classes as that Lazuli receptionist would let her.

‘Electives,’ they were called. Classes you didn’t _have_ to take, but could instead choose between at your liking. (“You pick your electives after you’ve passed How to Decide 101. ’Cause like, when they tried asking newbies what they wanted, soooo many of them would have total meltdowns. It was so funny! They’d just _panic_ at making choices without asking a superior.”)

But of course, that was not Jasper’s problem. A superior was exactly why she was doing this.

She had to do well to be worthy of his praise - so she picked the classes she would likely excel at. The Lazuli had raised an eyebrow when she picked ‘Era 2 Gem History’ (“Um, that’s like, for gems who were shattered or corrupted during the war. Your file says you were on Homeworld and intact. What are you even gonna learn?”, to which Jasper had responded, “Exactly, I’ll do well.” The Lazuli smirked and allowed it.)

Jasper’s determination was unyielding in the face of a worthy goal - a gift bestowed upon her by the Diamonds. But a few days later, she’d made great use of it by paying apt attention in a certain familiar Peridot’s "Earth Organics & Horticulture” class, in her little ‘greenhouse’. Jasper had chosen the class for her existing experience with ‘plants’ - even knowing some of their names, which was surely more than these fresh Homeworldians could say. Most of them had never _seen_ a plant.

The Peridot in quesiton was 5XG - her old crewmate turned Crystal Gem... not that it mattered now. That little thing had tried to hastily apologize. (”Sorry for stabbing you while you were corrupting, and for laughing at your terribly made Kindergarten, and for abandoning the mission to become a Crystal Gem... though all of those were completely correct decisions of mine and I’m not actually sorry, but I’ve been told that’s a good thing to say when someone might be hurt. Are we cool - sorry, that’s an Earth expression, are we alright?”, to which Jasper had just rolled her eyes and told her to get back to teaching.)

That was the extent of their interaction, and Jasper would gladly keep it that way. The missions and memories from _before_ did no good to dwell on - not when her Diamond her deigned her worthy of a new purpose. A better purpose.

She would trash every part of her old self and burn it to a crisp if he said so. 

That life could not possibly matter less when her Diamond wanted her to look forward. His smile was the only thing to live for. He was the only thing that would make all these trials worth it - and everything else needed to be pushed aside. Jaspers kept going. They did not look back. 

And now, two Earth weeks later, another one of that Peridot’s classes ended as a success. Jasper had correctly named two whole flowers, interrupting the teacher to announce their designation (”Rose, easy - and that’s a hyacinth, I’ll bet my helmet on it.”) before the teacher had even introduced them. 

None of the other students stood a _chance_ against her. 

As she deserved, that Peridot admitted Jasper’s knowledge was ‘above the adequate’, and she walked out with her gem held high... but slowly, a shadow crept across her path. She gazed up to see a vibrant pink spaceship of obviously high class and exquisite detail, hovering without obvious cause. 

The occasional spaceship was not unusual at Little Homeworld. Gems came and left from across the galaxies. That alone was hardly reason to give it more than a passing glance. But this craft... the geometric formations, the ring around its core, the well-cut edges reflecting the sun’s rays with brilliance... why did... why did it seem so...? 

“Blondie!” a Bismuth’s voice called out. The blacksmith of this place, as if anyone else would call her something so banal. 

She dragged Jasper away from thoughts of wayward, gleaming ships and towards a westward spot at the back of their little city. There, the Quartz was presented with yet another marker of progress: Her ‘house’. Her cave at Little Homeworld, a space of her own exactly where her Diamond knew she should be... it was finally complete. 

“What do you think?” the Bismuth asked, a grin of obvious pride across her wide-set face. 

Jasper’s new dwelling bore much of her likeness. A two-story square monument of orange, reds and teals with a balcony. A beastly, toothed mouth which served as its entrance, veiled by thin, pink curtains. On each side of the door was a rounded window, which almost looked like eyes. The topmost chambers were divided into two horns, one of which was sheared as she was. 

It looked like the kind of place someone who thought Jasper held herself in high regard would build - full of literal references to herself. 

“It’s fine,” Jasper said. She appreciated it being more spacious than that drab little shed, but such aesthetics mattered little. She would be wherever her Diamond wanted her to be. 

The Bismuth gave a dry chuckle. “Coming from you, I’ll take that as a compliment. I know you don’t care much for any of this stuff, but... It was fun to build, ‘least when I had time for it. A good way to take my mind off all the drama recently, you know. I hope you’ll be able to chill here, too. That’s probably good for ya,” the Bismuth offered with a smile... though thinking Jasper would spend her time her ‘relaxing’ was absurd. 

“Jaspers don’t _relax._ They get their job done,” she replied, clutching a book provided by that Peridot tighter in her arms. New curriculum. Apparently, teachers who weren’t Amethyst wanted her to read (and had the good sense for those materials to be in gem glyph). So she _would_ read - get even further ahead of her cohort. She’d been given a mission to fulfill, and every moment of her life had to be dedicated to that goal. 

“Okayyy... Anyway, you can totally tell me to change out anything you don’t like. That’s better than being designated a boring, uniform space by some Diamond, huh?” the Bismuth tried to change the subject, only to insult her once more. 

“No.” _Stupid._ A Diamond always knew best, and was the blacksmith’s work not something he deemed worthy, Jasper would’ve stayed in that shed forever. 

“Well, you’re allowed to be wrong,” the Bismuth interrupted her thoughts with a shrug. She was well-aware of Jasper’s priorities, even if she had a stupid habit of trying to challenge them. “Anyway, how ‘bout I walk you inside?” she offered. The blacksmith traced slow fingers along the metallic wall. “I spent waaay too long getting the finishing touches just right, I’d love to show you-” 

“I’ll figure it out!” Jasper announced, opened the door to her new space and promptly slammed it shut behind her in the same motion. 

What unnecessary fanfare... Who cares about how it _looked?_ What mattered was that Jasper was where she should be - alone, and able to focus on her studies. Now she just had to find somewhere to sit. 

The inside was a palette as literal as the outside - a metallic re-edition of Earth’s sunsets, containing deep maroons, beige, rust and bronze, with accents of yellow, pink and orange. The windows were veiled from the inside with murky rose blinds, creating a space where you did not have to be seen. Another layer of privacy was suggested by bronze tech panels, which promised one could lock whichever doors one pleased. 

Dim, yellow lights were melded to the ceiling and placed both on various surfaces to illuminate, but otherwise... the main room bore emptiness. It was nothing but surfaces with potential for more valuable things to be placed, stored and sat in. Seats, tables, shelves, counters, empty red containers, and space. It was nothing special at all. 

The only thing that truly caught Jasper’s attention was a sizable table surrounded by matching, throne-like chairs... a single pink ‘flower’ sat in the middle, though Jasper did not know its name. The set looked as if made of polished sandstone. Why anyone would use garbage like _sandstone_ was beyond her. She’d sit there if she had to, but she’d check out the rest first. 

That turned out to be a mistake. 

Behind the main room was a metallic door which responded to her handprint. Within, she was blinded by a large, circular yellow lamp forged to be one with the ceiling, which, when surrounded by a blue roof and painted ‘clouds’, seemed to imitate the very brightest Earth’s daylit sky could get. The floor was as pliant as sand, and rocks were plentiful to punch, break, throw around, and force together once more. The orange-hued walls were full of small, empty holes. 

A... training grounds, of sorts? 

No, more precisely - the rocky landscape, the sun, the sand... It looked like a miniature Beta kindergarten. The first taste of Earth, war, and of a life that was fought for for beings above herself - a grusomely accurate model of Jasper’s origins, complete with old, emptied injector heads serving as receptacles. 

Why... why would anyone recreate a forgotten trash-heap like that? 

Was she supposed to be _happy_ to be reminded of her distasteful origins? 

Why did the blacksmith even know the dimensions of her creation so... so _accurately?_

Jasper had to leave. 

Nothing that was old mattered. Her purpose was new, _he_ was new, her form symbolizing this new life was new as well, a new self to exist as he deigned fit. 

As she exited, she did not wait for the tech to shut the door for her. She slammed the two metal slides together, with enough force that she would have to punch it open if she ever wanted to enter there again. 

She did not. She had no reason to think of such a place. Her job was to rise above it - to be the Quartz her Diamond deserved, not some pitiful desert rose without a reason to exist. 

Jasper looked around, her wild hair falling across her face in her hurry. To her left, she saw a wall of jagged, imprinted rocks - as if yelling at you to climb them - led to the second floor, and that space had to be less inappropriate than the _other_ room. She scrambled up, eager to get away from there. 

On the floor above, deep purple-red walls darkened to meet a roof of black, the Earth’s night sky filled with tiny white lights imitating stars. Its loft-like structure was dominated by a large circle of warm pillows, blankets and duvets laid on a soft, raised surface not unlike a table, only more _pliant_. It bent to Jasper’s weight. Its colors were dark, yet inviting - only shades of gold and warmer were allowed. Beneath was a rug the color of a ruby, and beyond this room’s own murky pink curtains laid the balcony where Jasper could overlook her territory. 

It was, in short, a chamber intended for sleep. But no... not now. Laying down was a position of vulnerability, like being trapped beneath an enemy. That was no different than being in the _bad_ room. Besides, it was pointless - sleep was suitable only when you had nothing to do with your time, like Jasper had felt so many times in this world... wasting so many hours away. 

That had to stop. She could not allow herself to fall unconscious anymore. She had to study - be the perfect Quartz that _he_ expected, and that would be enough. To do that, she needed to be above these irrelevant, useless memories... 

This whole day was _wrong_ now. She needed new thoughts, more correct thoughts - thoughts he would approve of. She clutched her book tight. Textbooks. Learning about silly plants wasn’t important enough, she needed to think of her real worth, away from the Earth, the will of Diamonds... the whole, grand system which had saved her from that awful place, away from lesser gems who she was not supposed to think about. Had the Bismuth brought her other books here? 

Thankfully, the answer was yes. She was useful when she wanted to be, that blacksmith. To Jasper’s right stood a small, crimson bookcase, containing all she was looking for. 

As Jasper grabbed every book and rushed back down, she decided to make peace with the sandstone table, however shabby such a material was. This... would have to do. Jasper picked her intended book - “Gem History and You: Era 2” and sat in a sturdy metal chair, her legs placed on the table as she leaned back to a position she wanted to become comfortable. 

But just as Jasper was trying to focus, her communicator lit up. 

“Hey!” said the perpetually loud voice of her ex-teacher, Amethyst. “Um, I know you didn’t wanna hang out with me. I’m totally cool with that! No worries. But the fam... I mean, I was hoping you’d want to see-” 

“No,” Jasper responded, and with a firm press of of her index finger, shut the thing up. 

She had no idea what a ‘Fam’ was and she did not care. 

Jasper examined the cover of the book. The symbol of the four Diamonds was displayed proudly... but not perfectly. The pink was crumbling. Beneath their insignia, a depiction of _her_ as she ran from her old life, halfway transformed between her true form and the new one, Homeworld left behind. 

The communicator buzzed to life again. Jasper ignored it. She read the ‘introduction’ section of her book, which was blessedly in gem glyph, minimizing her need to mentally translate: ‘As Pink Diamond’s life seemingly came to an end, gemkind entered an era of despair. This was the dawn of Era 2. The other Diamonds took in many gems which had once belonged to-’ 

Jasper flipped ahead. She knew all this already. And she did not need a repeat lesson; thinking about _her_ was an unnecessary distraction from a newer, better purpose. 

Her... one of the first things Amethyst had asked when visiting her cave. One of the first questions pried by Pearl when she’d learned of her shattering. Everyone wanted to know how she felt about things that did. not. matter. anymore. 

The communicator would not stop _buzzing_. Jasper lifted the thing close to her face and yelled “WHAT?!” at full force. 

Amethyst hurried to explain herself: “Geez, I’m sorry, it’s just - we’re almost there. At your place. Sooo... whatever you’re doing, you might wanna prepare for uh, company. Yeah, I get you, Skinny! Hah, good one - Hold on...” 

In the background, there was ceaseless, inorganized noise. Similar voices - other Amethysts, but they sounded different? - were laughing, speaking loudly among themselves and making the caller’s message even less clear than the vagueness of her words accomplished on their own. 

“Who are you bringing to my territory!?” Jasper demanded. But it did not seem like Amethyst heard her. There was no reply, only more mixed chatter, chuckling, laughter, and even _singing_ on the other side. 

Impatience overtook her and she prompty hung up. What a useless call... she did not want to _meet_ anyone, regardless of Amethyst’s recommendation. And she would not let anyone see her so weak and rattled by a stupid past. All she needed was to focus on her Diamond’s desired future. 

The door. If she hurried to lock it... Jasper hastened to stand and ran to the tech panel by the entrance, jabbing her hand against the handprint. It lit up, but it was not immediately obvious what one should do next. 

And then, she heard voices. Someone was indeed coming... and more than one person, at that. 

“Aww, who did ya want us to meet, 8XM?” a rough voice said. 

“Ooh, cute house! Is this like our new fam pad or something?” a delighted cry joined in. 

"It’s got a bunch of red and orange, it looks kinda like me!” said a silkier tone. 

“I like it! Maybe we could party here - invite some humans over too! It’ll be wild!”

A couple gems shouted ‘yeah’ in agreement. A voice which sounded far too much like Jasper’s own said: “Let’s invite everyone!” 

Jasper fidgeted with the tech panel, pressing buttons insistently. How did she _lock_ it? It was different from what she was used to on Homeworld, more... rudamentary, if anything it reminded one of the way panels worked back during - 

The door slammed open.

Jasper met twisted mirrors she had left behind long ago - defective, crudely made Beta gems who were all too thin, or too short, and always too familiar. 

Every voice was silenced at once. All staring at her. Some had their hands cupped over their mouths, and yet others were close to tears. 

“...7XE, is that you?!” a gem who was too skinny to be a Jasper - but of course, she was a Jasper, just a wrong one - spoke up. She... 7XD, she had emerged right next to Jasper, at the same time, thrust into the war together. 

But she couldn’t be faced with this. Not now. This was not... right. 

Jasper lived for something new, now. 

She wasn’t supposed to think about the past. She wasn’t supposed to think about them. They were made wrong, she was made right, and being separated was _good_ for her. She was better off alone than with them. Plume Agate knew, and had taught her well. She’d been made to declare their worthlessness a hundred times under her whip... 

“No - no, you’re mistaken,” Jasper tried to say. Her voice came out too stressed, too easily caught off-guard by... this. 

“Stars, it IS you!” Another Jasper - 2XG - said, though you hardly needed to classify when she was the only one more red than orange. 

“No, it’s not!” Jasper tried to protest, shielding her face. Whoever _they_ remembered her as, she wasn’t supposed to be that gem anymore... 

But in an instant, a horde of gems she had wanted to suppress the memory of descended upon her. Their arms enveloped her, and the force of the onslaught slammed her to the floor. 

“We haven’t seen you since the war!” 1XA exclaimed. She was an only slightly defective Quartz who came up to about Jasper’s shoulders. 

“Yes, that was on purpose!” Jasper protested. 

“Aww, come on! Bring it here!” 4XF insisted. She’d always loved to _touch_ people. Now was no exception, as she raised her too-short arms and ran to join the pile. 

“No, I don’t want to!” Jasper hissed. 

The sole Carnelian - 9XO - was the type to care too much about her own insignificant _feelings_ , and this new era had not changed her: “We were so worried about you! All alone, away from your colony... We tried to get leave from the zoo to visit your post, but Yellow Diamond refused to have anything to do with us. We didn’t pass evaluation so we didn’t get to even talk to anyone in her court without permission. I... I never thought I’d see you again!” 

“She was right to...” Jasper mumbled. 

7XB had always been far too _casual_. She joined the gang of quartzes; leaned against Jasper’s shoulder without permission. Jasper leaned her head as far away as possible. "Aww, don’t be so grumpy! You were so chill... are you just like, having a rough day or something? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know they’re a lot, but even I find myself-” 

“Get off me, all of you!” Jasper snarled and scrambled up and away from the pile. Light brought forth her weapon. Stress. Anger. Wrongness. 

The other Betas’ eyes widened, and the perfect Quartz might’ve hoped they’d gotten the message. But moments later, they broke out into _laughter_. 

“Heh, that’s just like 7XE!” 

“Always down to playfight - I knew it, you haven’t changed at all!” 

“Yes, I _have_.” Jasper snarled. Whatever creation defects had prevented them from understanding common sense, it was clearly acting up. She was not like them and ever thinking such a thing was wrong. 

But the other gems weren’t really talking to Jasper anymore. She wasn’t sure they ever had. A version of her, sure, but one that was dead long before she’d been destroyed in the woods. They just laughed, chatting _about_ her. 

One Jasper - 5XD, or perhaps 5XC? It had been so long... - bent down and nudged Amethyst’s shoulder, smirking: “Pfft, what were you stressing about? She’s the same 7XE as ever!” 

“Really? Are you, uh, sure about that?” Amethyst questioned. To Jasper’s surprise, her ex-teacher wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t really smiling, either.. 

5XD (or C) nodded far too confidently. “She always says silly stuff like that, but she never actually wanted to stop hanging out with us. Sure, she was a little-miss-perfect after she got to meet Pink Diamond, so she couldn’t debase herself by doing anything so devoid of purpose as to _relax_... but she still wrestled with us nobodies! Called it training - hah! We knew it was just an excuse to have an _appropriate_ reason to play with us.” 

What a disgusting claim. It made Jasper’s entire form burn hot... anyone who tried to say she cared more about _play_ than her mission needed to be put in their place. She wasn’t that weak or selfish. And even if she had been, the gem they spoke about was not who she was now, and the life before him didn’t really count as her at all. It was a young, unknowing failure who needed to be set on the right path. 

“Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about. It was training - that’s... that’s the only good reason to be among _your_ kind.” 

“Yeah yeah. We know, you’re sooo important!” some stupid Quartz said. 

“I am. And you’re all weak,” Jasper stated as fact. 

“Haha, 7XE is so funny!” said another worthless name in the group. 

“She’s all talk and no bite, isn’t that what the humans here say?” said a third clod. 

A bunch of them laughed, wild and free, loud enough to ring through Jasper’s form. She clenched her fists. More mockery... 

Amethyst looked surprisingly skeptical of the others’ false claims. “Uh... fam? I don’t think Jasper is joking.” 

2XE, a heavy-set jasper whose hair covered her eyes, did not hesitate to dismiss the both of them: “What are you talking about, 8XM? We _know_ 7XE - she’s just like the rest of us! ” 

Jasper wanted to crack her. 

"Hey guys, look at this!” the Carnelian said, and all eyes turned to her. “There’s a door back here - looks like 7XE got a secret hideout to show us!” She was standing right by the sealed entrance to their awful, pretend-‘kindergarten’. A bunch of other gems ran over to inspect it. 

Oh no. 

"Don’t go in there!” Jasper insisted. 

As if it was all a stupid little game, her warning seemed to only egg them on. They started pushing against the door, hoping the lot of them could force it open together. 

“Hey guys, I think Jasper really wants us to stop!” Amethyst tried to suggest. 

The Beta gems laughed again and kept trying to push it open. A crack of light formed, and slowly, the door yielded. 

“Get away from there; listen to your superiors!” Jasper snarled. 

They ignored her. One turned to stick her tongue out at her, then kept pushing. You could see the artificial sun streaming through, burning forth, inviting all those stupid, misformed gems to romanticize a disgusting, twisted perception of who Jasper was. 

“Stop! Don’t you know what you’re doing?!” They were being so stupid, and it would only get them hurt... 

A final push. The entrance to the disgraceful past was forced wide opened. Jasper couldn’t do anything as the whole band of quartzes rushed inside at once. She heard joyful gasps - ‘ooh’ and ‘wow’ the most common among them. 

Amethyst was the only one who stayed out of that ugly place. She looked distressed, her eyes darting between the other Beta gems and Jasper. “Uh... I don’t know what the deal is, but I don’t have to go in!” 

“Then don’t,” Jasper glowered, her eyes glaring at the door with the destruction that these gems deserved. 

“This is so cool!” was heard from the bad room. 

“We knew it! You do miss us!” some voices agreed. It didn’t matter who. 

“7XE, oh my stars... I’m gonna tear up!” 

Jasper wanted to disappear into the ground, never to be seen again. They were all looking at it _wrong_. They weren’t thinking of the whip that would hit them for wanting to look with fondness upon the ugliness of their world. These gems... from seeing this... they would think Jasper was still that clingy, pathetic, Quartz that wanted to be around them. 

Worse yet, they’d be _happy_ about that. 

But even more terrible, worst of all... they thought it was acceptable to be proud of such a worthless place. Which meant... some stupid part of them must think it’s acceptable to be proud of themselves. To love being made here, even when you were wrong and everyone knew you were wrong. 

Jasper had to get them out. 

She ran to the room and forced her way through the crowd. Every reflex knowing since long ago - for thousands of years - knew this needed to be punished. 

If they wouldn’t listen... They had to be SHOWN. 

“You came!” the Skinny one welcomed her, grinning. “This is such a cool getup, and you bet your facets we’re gonna hang out all the time from now on. The sandstone layers almost look real -” 

Jasper punched the nearest wall hard enough to form a crack, startling her awful, rude guests. 

“GET OUT.” 

The Carnelian had the nerve to take offense. “Hey, careful 7XE! It’s so nice in here, it looks just like... like home, yknow?” 

“Home?! That place is no home. It is as worthless, useless and misshapen as ALL OF YOU.” Jasper bellowed. Her target looked struck, as she _should_. “If you won’t listen to me... I will have to show you!” She kicked over a makeshift injector. How dare it produce such wrong, unfitting gems. How dare it imply Jasper was made of the same materials. 

“7XE, stop!” some nobody said. 

This time, Jasper had the power not to listen. She’d show them exactly how it felt that nobody cared what you actually thought or who you’d become. She would use it righteously. She kicked rock after rock to pieces, clawed the holes into unrecognizable shapes, and kicked over pitiful imitations of injectors. She would tear her whole house down if it would finally make them SEE what a terrible place they all came from. 

As the crystalline, red containers shattered around them, another one called out: “7XE, why are you doing this?!”, to which Jasper looked back at their sorry, pitiful frowns, meeting them with deserved disdain and fury. She had to look back, had to burn her anger into them, to make sure they were looking, to make sure they _knew_ this was what this place deserved. 

Jasper reached the largest exit hole, the one meant to represent her... and clawed at it until the shape was unrecognizable. Slice by slice. She turned to face her intruders, her eyes wild and desperate, theirs filled with obvious shock: “Do you understand!? Do NOT try to drag me into the past, for it deserves to be forgotten. Do not imply I’m like you, for I exist for a higher cause! I... I’m not worthless! I exist for a reason!” she insisted, throwing rock after punch to wreck the floor, ceiling and everything inbetween. 

“I... I got out because I was better, and you were defective, and so, I don’t have to think about you anymore!” She didn’t care how unhinged she must’ve looked. If Jasper didn’t do this, she’d get whipped again. She HAD to be better. “I deserved to get out alive! I deserved to be separated from all of you!” she roated. She jumped up to break the lamp representing the ‘sun’, landing a final punch that sent shards of glass around her, some of which broke augmented skin and hurt. 

That felt like the end of it. The room was broken. The scattered shards, the pitiful rocks, the mangled walls and the snuffing out of gleaming light was exactly how it should be. “I deserved... I...” Jasper panted. She ran out of words. What... what more could she do... how could she ever tell them..? 

There was a silence louder than her words. It was filled only with Jasper’s painstaking breaths, her form shaking from the pain of the glass and from the flashes of a whip in her mind. 

It was the Carnelian who spoke first, her voice trembling: “I... I thought we were all friends.” 

“Friends?!” Jasper laughed. “Jaspers aren’t supposed to have _friends_. We’re supposed to be soldiers - obedient, expendable tools of the Diamonds!” she declared. She pointed at them. They had to know that they did this to themselves, being born wrong and trying to manipulate Jasper into caring about them. She couldn’t. She couldn’t. She couldn’t. 

“And you’re... not. You’re defective, useless, pointless... clinging to each other because you have nothing else,” Jasper recited, exactly what the agates said. “A disgrace to Homeworld. And the only reason I was given a chance to be anything else is because I was _better_ than you.” 

“7XE...” A look like horror was painted on every single face. 

Oh, now they looked sad? _Too bad._ They were hearing exactly what they needed to, and Jasper could prove just how worthless the past was. She came closer - imposing, showing them how she was taller than every single one of them. “It’s good you came. You still miss me, is that it? Ha, that really proves it!”

She laughed, loud on purpose. She opened her eyes to peek at them, and none of them seemed to think it was funny. They all looked so... sad. So stupid. “I thought I missed you too, at first. But I can’t. I have something else now!” she rejoiced. “I’ve learned so much... First thanks to Yellow Diamond and her Agates, I was able to rid myself of such unneeded attachments. And now, thanks to my Diamond... I’m finally becoming who I’m supposed to be,” she explained. She grinned, strained and forced, as if modelling how the others should feel about all of this. 

“Being unlike you is the only reason I have a purpose. I’m not worthless. A real Jasper wouldn’t care about you, or she would have to be punished. I was not supposed to care about you. And now, I...” Jasper hesitated. The Skinny one... 7XD looked so distraught. She had been the last one to fail evaluation. Some bad part of Jasper had been sad about that. “I don’t.” 

“Stars... What did they do to you?” 7XD asked. She didn’t sound angry. 

“Only what I deserved,” Jasper rejected her horror out of hand. “And it worked - I am completely focused on my mission. I don’t need anything else. I just need him...” She looked upwards, a real smile replacing the feral grin. She imagined him looking down upon her fondly, like she mattered. Like he _knew_ that she’d do anything to be good for him. 

1XA had clearly heard enough: “...Okay. Look, guys: Jasper, or I mean, 7XE is clearly too busy for us, so let’s just _go_ ,” she said. Wounded. But accepting. 

One by one, they turned away. Some hurried out, others seemed hesitant, but Jasper did not move an inch. She was determined to be the last out of the wreckage, no matter how long it took... until there was but one other gem there; the Skinny one. 7XD. 

She stood in the entranceway, but did not leave. She was looking right at Jasper, impressively unafraid for such a weak thing. She was firm and curt in her announcement. “I have to say something.” 

Jasper shook her head, glad that her wild, tangled tresses obscured her stupidly emotional face. “I don’t care. I don’t need you.” 

The other gem gave a weary sigh. She looked behind, to the exit that was surely tempting her... but she did not leave. Instead, she asked a question, looking for something much further away than the door: “...Do you remember back when we emerged?” 

Jasper’s breath hitched. _Don’t,_ her mind yelled at her. _Don’t let her pull you back into that... that... that awful time, or these irredeemable feelings._

Jasper didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t do anything, a comfort would be weak and Jasper wasn’t weak or wrong like she was... but maybe she could just... acknowledge it. That wouldn’t make her bad. 

"Of course I do. I’m not stupid,” she defended. “I remember everything.” 

“We were right next to each other...” the slender gem mused. “7XE and 7XD against the world!” she announced with a little laugh. “We sprang into action right away, so eager to be alive, and neither of us understood what we were doing, or why. We just... had to survive.” 

That had felt true... once. Jasper crossed her arms - It was all wrong now, but back then, there was nothing that was more important than surviving as a pack, being with her colony, helping them, being surrounded by people who... who _cared_ about Jasper, even if they were made wrong. “And I didn’t think I would make it, once that Bismuth put her axe on me! She was so much stronger. But...” 

“I saved you,” Jasper finished for her. As if she could ever forget... 

“You did,” the other Jasper agreed. She turned, and there were tears prickling in her eyes. “I just wanted to say thank you. I’m glad we were in it together.” 

Jasper said nothing. 

“If you... if you ever change your mind, we’ll still be here, okay?” 

There was nothing she _could_ say. 

“We’re heading out now. Sorry to bother you. Bye.” 

7XD waved weakly and left. Jasper stood still. She had to feel the ground beneath her boots, had to root herself back in reality. The wreckage around her was no help, but she didn’t want to leave until she knew they had left. Silence... she took a step, then another. 

As Jasper finally left the room, she felt a dawning relief they were all gone... but as she turned, a single, purple runt was waiting for her by the veiled window. 

“Oh,” Jasper said. Her mind fled to the last time she’d been at the Beta kindergarten, how easily she’d caught Amethyst sneaking up on her... perhaps she’d gotten better. Just a little. “I forgot you were here.” 

“Yeah... you did,” Amethyst agreed. She wasnt facing Jasper, too busy looking out the window. “I’m sorry for bringing them. I did realize it was a mistake, I just... I thought... I thought maybe they’d be able to help.” 

“With _what?”_ Jasper demanded. 

“Look... sis, I know I let you pass the class, but I’m starting to think, you...” Amethyst hesitates, her eyes searching for somewhere safe to look. She swallowed and faced her counterpart: “You could come back and learn with the rest of the newbies for a little longer.” 

The expression on Jasper’s face must’ve been enough to put the smaller gem on the defensive: “I just... I worry I made a mistake, okay? It’s your choice, only if you don’t mind, I just think-“ 

But Jasper wouldn’t hear it. “I _do_ mind. I did exactly as you said, I asserted myself and got them to leave. You have no right to complain.” 

Amethyst did a sharp intake of breath, biting her lip like she was trying not to say something. Whatever it was couldn’t be very nice, for her frustration was plain in her voice: “I know, I know that, but I’m to give myself a reason not to walk out and just... give up on you again.” 

“I want you to.” 

That’s all it took. Amethyst’s eyes widened with some sort of weakling emotion, something deeper than anger in her tone: “...Okay. Fine. I guess I thought you were more like me than you are.” 

Jasper furrowed her brows. “I have a mission to fulfill, and your sentimentality is not going to be in my way. I don’t need them, and I don’t need you!” 

Amethyst did a dismissive little hand wave and headed for the door. “Yeah, I know. Sorry for overstepping, I’ll leave you completely alone from now on.” 

The door slammed shut behind her. 

Jasper was left behind. There was something about that that felt very... final. She got a strong, sudden and almost certainly accurate sense that Amethyst wouldn’t call her on the communicator anymore. 

Jasper exhaled. She turned to face revolting, pathetic rubble that was the bad room, and sealed it shut once more. Something felt so wicked about it all, but it was the right thing to do. She... laughed. A broken little sound, but a righteous one. Finally, she was as alone as she needed to be. Like she was supposed to be. Like she was taught to be. She slumped against the door, like a promise that it would not fail her. She would never have to face that place again... 

_Bzz,_ she heard. Jasper rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to deal with anyone right now... but it buzzed again. And again. With a heavy groan, Jasper forced herself back on her feet and accepted the call: “What?!” 

“Oh, hey Jasper. Sorry, is this a bad time? I can call later if you want!” her Diamond offered, his perfect voice far too kind. 

Jasper immediately regretted her tone. She smoothed her hair over and stood straighter, as if he could see her. “M-my Diamond! Oh no, I always have time for you, please, please tell me how I may be of service!” she insisted, holding the device closer to her form, cradling it like a beloved treasure. Push it down. Push it all down. This was what she was FOR. 

“Oh, in that case, do you... um, again, I really wanna stress that you don’t _have_ to if you don’t want...” he insisted. As if Jasper would ever refuse. “Would you want to come to a little get-together at the Temple, a week from now? I’m inviting all my friends, and I guess it would feel wrong if I didn’t invite you... I do really want to see you one more time.” 

A... gathering, of sorts? Not that it mattered to her reply, Jasper would be anywhere at any time if that’s what he wanted. “I’ll be there, my Diamond. Of course, anything you wish!” 

“...Right, of _course._ See you there. Take care of yourself, Jasper,” he said, and that was the end of it. 

Jasper smiled. The day was good and correct again, now. The bad sealed away. She would study, she would be good, and only his will would remain in her. Yes... she was still on the right track. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, thank you for your patience! If you've followed my tumblr (of the same username) you probably know that I've been suffering from terrible migraines the past couple weeks, but we're back to our usual schedule of me hurting my readers for fun from here on out. Yay! Thank you so much for reading, and as usual, your comments and kudos make me so happy. Have a great day! <3


	13. Temple Party

The last few days had been uneventful, but Jasper stayed motivated. She went to class. She went home. She studied. She went back to class. Always remembering his smile, her reason for being. 

The Bismuth interrupted her once, with a knock and a request - to ask when Jasper had time to meet her new therapist. Jasper asked what that was. Bismuth said it was someone who would help her get past her attachment to the idea of a Diamond, help her ‘open up’ and form healthy attachments to others, and to move on from her ‘trauma’. Jasper slammed the door in her face and told her not to not bother her with something so stupid again. Then she went back to studying. Went to class. Came home. And so forth, until...

“The party is tonight.”

“Yes?”

“I am going.”

“How... nice? I don’t quite know why you’re telling me this...”

“He wants me to be there, Pearl. He - he actually wants me. So I will be there.”

Pearl sighed on the other side of the hologram. “Jasper, I thought you were trying to move away from this.”

...Right. Jasper had told her that, when she thought she was failing him. At that point, she may as well not have been a Jasper... but it was only perception, for she had not failed. He still wanted her. As a Jasper, it was her sworn duty to keep going.

But disappointing Pearl... was also unpleasant. She was one whom her Diamond cared for, and she tolerated Jasper’s presence more than she deserved.

“That... is not easy,” Jasper forced out after hesitation which she hoped did not give her away. It was not a lie - it was just that Jasper had no intention to try.

Pearl smiled, a familiar smile that vaguely reminded Jasper of when she had placed her hand on her cheek in some strange gesture of comraderie. It wasn’t a happy smile. “Of course not. I shouldn’t expect otherwise.”

“I’ll bring a destabilizer.”

“You really don’t need to do that. In fact, it’s actually better if you don’t,” Pearl disagreed.

“But I can’t protect him on my own!” Jasper protested in earnest distress, grabbing the solid frame of the hologram as if it would convey her desperation. “I haven’t been strong enough for him... what if one of the guests disrespects my Diamond?! Or worse, what if they threaten him, and I’m too weak!”

Pearl brought her hand up to cover her mouth, and a small, fluttering noise escaped her. “Oh, i’m sure he’ll manage. you don’t need to bring anything but yourself.”

Her tone was calm, and Jasper knew why - knew it was meant to convey that the Quartz was being ridiculous, because gems like Pearl didn’t understand the importance of protecting your Diamond no matter what... so Jasper couldn’t let herself be swayed by it: “I’ll bring it.”

“Jasper...” Pearl sighed. “I also worry about Steven, more than you know.” She said, and Jasper didn’t know whether she could believe that. “But seeing a weapon like that will only add to his stress. He doesn’t exactly have _pleasant_ memories of it,” she elaborated, and it didn’t take long for Jasper to realize she was referring to how the larger gem had evaporated his fusion guard just a few Earth years back, hardly any time at all. 

“Oh,” the word fell out of Jasper’s mouth, and she felt stupid for the moment of impulse that had overtaken her. It was not her place to question his emotional reactions, for they were but correct assertions about the state of things.

Pearl’s expression softened, and her tone was the same - “He’ll be fine. And if he isn’t, we’ll all be there for him together, alright?” 

“Okay...” Jasper finally agreed. the thought that someone as strong as Pearl would be with her was a tad bit reassuring... but the calm was temporary, as another worry gnawed at her: “But I - how should a Quartz even act at his parties? I’ve heard of the balls Pink Diamond would throw, of course I never got to attend one myself... and i usually ignored the stupid little gatherings that lesser gems would invite me to, but I can’t when it’s him. My Diamond has decided I’ll be there, so I’ll _be_ there.”

“Well, it’s probably not as _formal_ as you’re imagining,” Pearl said, rolling her eyes at the adjective. “In fact, you can ignore everything you’ve heard about the Era 1 Homeworld Balls, because the Steven I know _hates_ them.”

“He does?”

Pearl chuckled mirthlessly. “Oh yes. He won’t sit on a throne, and I won’t be by his side. Not all the time, anyway. You don’t need to do any saluting or bowing, and you don’t even need to arrive with the other Quartzes. He prefers a far more casual style, in which everyone mingles as equals.”

“Hmph,” Jasper acknowledged curtly. It wasn’t what she was used to hearing a Diamond was like... but hers was the greatest of all, so she could not question it. “Fine, I won’t do any of that. i’ll just... be there. Should I wear a cape?”

Pearl couldn’t help but smirk. “You’re worried about what to wear?”

“Of course. My real cloth cape, the one I earned, got torn apart when we all crashed to Earth... but I can make a new one, if it’s to his will!” As if to demonstrate, Jasper’s form shone bright and created a dark brown cape around her shoulders with a high collar and pink, triangular buckle. 

“Well, that is a nice look on you, so I certainly won’t tell you not to, but -”

“Does he want me to?” Jasper interrupted, knowing her own top priority.

“Like I was about to say, he won’t care either way, Jasper. It’s fully up to you. Isn’t that nice?” 

“But... what if you’re wrong, and he does care, and-”

“He _doesn’t_.” Pearl insisted.

That was that, then. But there was one other consideration in Jasper’s mind: “...But you like it?”

Pearl blinked, looking a bit caught off-guard. “Well, yes. It looks good, matches the ‘vibe’, as the humans say, of the intimidating, elite Quartz guard that you’re so eager to be.”

At that, Jasper allowed herself to feel just a hint of pride. She would wear the cape to the party, then. Pearl remained one of the people closest to her Diamond - not just for his likes and dislikes, but someone he valued enough that she should indeed be considered valuable. If she liked it... it was good to wear.

“That’s good...”

“Is this... the reason you called?” Pearl asked, with a slight tilt of her head.

“I realized that I didn’t know what to do at his party. You are wise and know many things. I might as well ask you,” Jasper admitted. 

Pearl’s expression shifted to convey surprise. “Oh, thank you... that’s actually kind of you, Jasper.”

“It’s nothing you don’t deserve,” Jasper said, looking at the other gem in earnest.

Pearl seemed to look everywhere else. “W-well, I’m surprised to be saying this, but I actually look forward to seeing you tonight. Um, bye!” and so, the screen closed in on itself and Pearl disappeared.  
Night. Time to ‘party.’

Jasper strode across the sand at sunset, figuring that it designated nighttime... but once she reached the wooden plank threshold (it creaked heavily under her weight... but of course, it was not her place to question _his_ choice of base materials), she found that she could only see three figures through the windows: Pearl, Amethyst and the fusion. Neither guests nor her Diamond were in sight. 

Pearl noticed Jasper peeking through the window right away and ran to open the door for her. "Oh, Jasper!” she announced. She quickly looked her up and down: “Ah, I see you wore the cape, that is nice indeed.”

“Am I late?” Jasper asked. She found herself standing a little straighter and pushing out her chest, as if it would show off the cape better.

“Not at all, you’re impeccably early. Ah, that may be my fault... We sent all the details over text, and you still don’t know the basics of human technology... because I... avoided teaching.” Pearl’s tone was carefully managed. 

“I don’t.” No point in pretending otherwise.

“...Well, it is far better to be early than late, don’t you think?” Pearl prompted.

“Right.”

“I thought you might sympathize with that.” Pearl nodded and moved so she did not block the door. “You can come inside, we want everything to be as perfect as possible for tonight. We could use an extra pair of hands, so to speak. I can’t imagine you would mind helping us get ready for _Steven’s_ party.”

A question struck Jasper as they walked inside. “What’s the party for?”

Pearl placed her fingers together delicately, appropriate for a delicate subject. “He didn’t exactly tell us why... Though, as you know, it’s been a couple months since his... incident, and it’ll be the first time he’s in a larger festive social setting since then. I want it to be perfect, so that nothing stresses him out. He deserves as much, don’t you think?” 

“Of course, I would do anything for my Diamond!” Jasper lifted her chin with pride, knowing she lived for his sake.

Pearl winced. “While that is an unfortunate attitude of yours, it may be useful in this scenario. Perhaps you could help me blow these balloons?”

Jasper didn’t know what a ‘balloon’ was, but she nodded anyway. The other two - three - were not as talkative. The fusion gave her a curt “Hello, Jasper,” accompanied by a nod, then returned to their activity, writing some human words on thin sheets of paper. 

Amethyst, who sat on a raised counter, defying the traditional setup of table and chair... suddenly faced away in a way that was too _dramatic_ not to be deliberate, her expression sour in the brief moment Jasper saw it. She spoke to her fellow guardians rather than Jasper: “I’ll finish wrapping stuff in my room,” and before either could answer, she jumped off the counter and ran inside a glowing door.

“I wonder what got into her...” Pearl mused, looking after her with a frown. Then she clapped her hands together, as if to interrupt her own thoughts. “Well, there’s no time to ask her about it right now. Tonight is about Steven.”

“Yes,” Jasper agreed. “All is for his sake.” She didn’t know what Amethyst’s problem was, either. She’d done nothing wrong, and the runt’s sentimental attachment to the past was her own flaw... The present was what mattered - to create the kind of party her Diamond wanted.

“...Pearl!” the fusion suddenly announced, and stood up from her seat. “I will actually retreat to my room as well. See you in 25 minutes.”

Pearl furrowed her delicate brows. “Well, sure. But why would I need to know exactly when you’ll be back?”

The fusion shook their head. “...No, you’re probably right, that’s quite an unlikely future. I may have gotten ahead of myself,” they said. That didn’t make much sense, but they were out the same door as Amethyst before Jasper could question them.

That left Jasper with Pearl. The room felt much emptier now - like there was nowhere to hide from each other. “Um, let’s sit!” the smaller gem suggested, a hand unfolding forward to the large, soft seat before an undersized table. 

“This is not the worst thing, actually - I get to take a break before the party,” Pearl said, and her form glowed bright. Her pastel ensemble was replaced with the darker, more modest azure outfit that Jasper had forced upon her. The lithe gem sighed in relief, stretching her hands above her head and arching her back. “That’s so much better... I’m still getting used to shapeshifting. But it’s necessary. I don’t want Steven to worry about me right now, and that includes hiding it from those two, as well.”

Jasper felt a pang of shame at the reminder of what she’d done. “I... am sorry about that.”

Pearl’s smile was calm, even understanding. “I believe that, actually. I think I’ve had enough time to be comfortable around you,” she revealed. Jasper’s surprise must’ve been written plainly on her face, for Pearl chuckled and shook her head like her own words didn’t quite make sense. “It surprised me too, but I think we’re... something approaching okay. I’ve come to believe you respect my space, I suppose.”

Jasper smiled back. “Okay.”

Pearl grabbed one of the rubbery, flimsy decorations from the table. “Well then, would you like to know how to blow a balloon?”

Jasper nodded. Maybe she could be useful like this.

“It’s quite funny - it’s reliant on the Earth’s oxygen, and like everything on Earth, it can change. It stretches based on the pressure of the air provided. You inhale, and then you slowly let the air escape into the malleable plastic. Like so...” Pearl trailed off, demonstrating just like she’d described, to which the cyan sack became larger and more rounded.

Then, Pearl gestured for Jasper to try. The Quartz picked up a 'balloon’ and inhaled till the air filled her abdomen, then blew it excruciatingly slowly into the flimsy little piece of plastic... until it popped, louder than Jasper expected. Like a bomb on a battlefield. She jumped a little and summoned her horned visor. “I... I was careful!” she defended, cheeks flush with failure.

“Oh dear!” Pearl exclaimed. Then she _laughed_ , and the red of Jasper’s cheeks deepened. Pearl seemed to dislike that, for she hurried to comfort her: “No, I’m sure you were! It’s just - I didn’t think to tell you; as slow as you were, it can only handle so much pressure! Even things that change have a limit, you know. There’s some things we can’t quite handle...”

Jasper crossed her arms and dissipated her weapon. Despite the attempt at comfort, she still felt stupid, looking so skittish in front of someone like Pearl.

The smaller gem patted Jasper’s thigh. “It’s alright. I promise.”

Jasper gulped. That was the first time the pastel gem had touched her since before their duel. The hand didn’t linger, but it felt nice. Like its own type of approval. The spot seemed to warm, and the action crystallized in Jasper’s gem that against all odds... Pearl didn’t hate her.

“I wanna try again.” 

“You can, we’ve got plenty of time.”

Jasper set down the tattered remains of the last balloon and grabbed a new one. She blew slowly, deliberately, knowing Pearl was watching her... and her eyes trailed over to Pearl’s icy blues. She wanted to impress her, earn her pride... but no, it wasn’t just that. More importantly, these were in honor of her Diamond and his greatness. They had to be perfect. Grand, impressive. She had to be -

Then it popped. Jasper winced. “Stars, I don’t know how to do this...”

“That’s okay!” Pearl reassured. “Before you try a third time, may I show you again?”

“Do it,” Jasper agreed. 

“Alright, here I go...” the smaller gem announced, and started blowing another balloon... It ended up perfectly formed, impressive without popping under pressure. Exactly what Jasper’s Diamond needed.

Jasper sighed, crossing her arms as if rejecting the next balloon before it was offered. “You should do all of them. You’re better at it.” And everything else.

Pearl made no attempts to hide her disappointment. “Jasper..."

The larger gem shook her head. “You’re clearly meant to do this for him. I’m not, so I’d only get in the way.”

“That’s because I’ve practiced much longer than you. You don’t have to be good at things right away for you to be able to _become_ good at them.”

Jasper shook her head and headed for the door. “Just do it. I’ll... I’ll just wait outside till the party starts.”  
The breeze outside the Temple had grown colder and the sky darker, but neither night nor cold hindered a Quartz. She surveyed the territory, making herself useful the best way she could - guarding her Diamond’s property. Sooner or later, guests would arrive, and she would make sure no one suspicious trespassed. 

Her mind drifted to that... strange little fusion. The red-blue creature, how they had tried to hurt her Diamond and nearly succeeded... she longed to crush their gems into dust, watch their last moments be to understand, to SEE the true might of his authority.

As the moon rose in the sky, Jasper heard the (better) fusion and Amethyst emerge from their rooms. They started chatting with Pearl... clearly, they were not mere guardians. They were all _friends._ At least Jasper could take comfort in knowing she was doing something more useful than socializing. 

Then, figures approaching in the distance - a couple familiar ones, like the Bismuth and Lapis Lazuli, who arrived together, arms linked. “Hey, Jasper!” said the blacksmith with a smile. Lapis offered only a quiet nod, her expression cool and seemingly unbothered to see the Quartz here. Jasper nodded back, and returned to scouting. An assortment of stray humans whose names she did not know also arrived. A few introduced themselves, but Jasper did not care enough to memorize their names. Peridot hovered in on some metal contraption with a handful of miniature robonoids, throwing up two fingers she had taught Jasper indicated a ‘peace’ sign before heading inside. Light shone from her Diamond’s dome, and a scattering of unfamilair Homeworld gems headed inside as well. 

And then... music, thrumming loud and boisterous. Lights flashing in different colors, a sea of bodies moving to the rhythm. The party must have started.

Jasper noted that the other Diamonds weren’t here. She didn’t know if they were busy or had not been invited.

That left the Quartz with a question. Was she supposed to... go inside? She still didn’t really understand what she was meant to do at such an event. With no quartzes to blend in with, no purpose to serve... maybe it was best to stay out here. Maybe being a lone guard was a suitable job. Socializing felt so... frivolous. More than that, it was uncharted territory. She hadn’t tried in millennia. 

As Jasper chewed her lip on the terrace, she found herself paying more attention to her mind than her senses. The door behind her opened. She figured Pearl had come to comfort her again: “It’s fine, Pearl. I am doing what I can for him.”

But that was not who was waiting: “Oh, I just came out to say hi. If you want me to leave, uh, that’s cool!” her Diamond said, his perfect voice unmistakeable.

Jasper twisted her body in his direction at top speed and saluted. “M-my Diamond!” she exclaimed, then remembered he did not want such a display, and she forced herself into a more casual stance. Her back remained stiff and straight, her chin turned slightly upwards, her eyes on his. “If there’s anything you need, I am at your service. Never leave for my sake, only your own.”

Her Diamond let out a breathless laugh and shook his head, leaning his stocky body against the wooden railing. “You sound just like my new therapist...” 

“You have one?!” Jasper blurted out.

“Y-yes?” her Diamond stammered, clearly taken aback by Jasper’s brashness.

Jasper hushed her tone. “I apologize, my Diamond. I’ve heard others use that word. They made it seem like something... bad.”

“Oh, it’s not for everyone, but it’s been good for me.”

Good for him... so whatever purpose such a 'therapist’ served for a Diamond, it was clearly a worthy one. But what the Bismuth said was not right. So it wasn’t for Jasper, then. Only for him. 

“So... what are you doing out here?” her Diamond asked, tapping his stubby hands on the railing.

Jasper turned her eyes back to the horizon. She had to be more vigilant, now that he was so exposed. “Watching.”

“Watching?”

“For anyone suspicious who might try to hurt you, my Diamond. I will not let any trespassers in, like that horrid little fusion...” Jasper explained with a snarl.

“Oh, you mean Bluebird? Sure, she’s annoying, but I don’t she’s much of a threat with so many people here. Tonight’s all about fun!”

“I’ll make sure they - er, _she_ doesn’t get in,” Jasper said, correcting how she referred to the creature in line with what her Diamond said. “You WILL get to have fun, my Diamond.”

Her Diamond giggled, which evolved into a full-on laugh, his curls bouncing around his face as his body shook with it. “Jasper, you’re so funny!”

Jasper furrowed her brows. “Funny?”

“Yeah, like - this is a party. You’re taking it so seriously!” he declared, rolling his eyes. “You’re out here stressing about what you should be doing, and I was just like that. It’s like looking in a mirror - well, a mirror of what I would’ve been like as a Quartz soldier. But it’s all just bullshit, trying sooo hard to do what everyone else expects me to do. Sorry about the language, but it is! You don’t need to do any of this, you could just... come inside and have fun!”

“Fun...” Jasper mused. That was a request she didn’t know how to fulfill. 

Her Diamond gazed back at the temple. “You know, I was in my mom’s room before the party started, trying to think of what to say to everyone... Then I realized, I was doing it again!” he said, smacking his own forehead. “I don’t need to think about what to say, there’s no right or wrong answer. I can just... say whatever comes to mind! Like, hey guys, I know this is super random but I’m really miserable and I can’t help any of you! Too busy working on myself! Heck, I might never get around to helping you and you’re gonna have to ask someone else! Sorry!” Her Diamond said, and then he laughed again.

Jasper forced a smile - was she meant to understand what was funny?

The next thing Jasper knew, her Diamond jumped up on the railing. He was a rather heavy sort, so Jasper could only assume his floating ability was helping him stay upright. “I just feel so much more... alive now! Knowing that I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, and it’s all okay, they’ll still love me... it makes me so much less afraid. I’m still a little scared, but... I won’t let myself stagnate any longer. I can do what’s right for me. I can just... go.” As he spoke, he looked to the stars.

“Go, my Diamond?” Jasper repeated. His words didn’t make much sense, but... there must be some wisdom buried in there somewhere. A Diamond’s will could be a riddle, but it was a riddle well worth solving. 

“Yeah, you know - go! Go anywhere, really... and right now, I wanna go inside! See you there, Jasper!” her Diamond insisted, jumping down from the railing and heading into his own dwelling without another word. Jasper’s eyes followed, watching him throw his hands around the waist of some human, spinning in circles together, a warm smile on his face...

Jasper found herself hesitating. Going inside... felt so purposeless. What would she even do in there? How did one party? But... she had to. If he wanted her to.

Jasper opened the door.

Inside, the music was even louder. Voices mingled together, but she could not make out a word, all drowned out by the strange machines that blared some kind of human song. It was far too quick-paced and upbeat to fit into the style of a Homeworldian ball, though Jasper figured that was exactly the point. 

Looking around... everyone already seemed to have something to do, or someone to socialize with. Her Diamond danced with his human companion. Most of the gems and other humans were doing the same, or talking, or consuming some kind of substance. The fusion was sitting by the counter with the blacksmith and Lapis. Amethyst had changed her shape into that of a sparkling, reflective ball, hanging from the ceiling and creating little flickers of light across the room. 

But Amethyst still had eyes, and they met Jasper’s. In that moment, her gleaming ball form spun so the larger gem was blinded by its reflection. _Was that on purpose?_

As Jasper readjusted her vision... this space seemed more hostile. She caught a human’s eye, who looked up at her with what could be fear, or skepticism. It SHOULD be fear, but Jasper felt as though she was judged. Seen as lesser. Why? Was she a threat? They were both invited. She was worthy enough to be here... her Diamond was expecting her to be here. 

Why did she feel so uncomfortable, alone in this crowd?

Someone bumped into her, and before Jasper could even begin any calculation as to whether it was ally or foe, Pearl’s voice rang out unmistakable: “Oh! Excuse me, Jasper,” she said, and the larger gem turned to face her. It was easier to focus on her voice when Jasper knew she was being addressed directly. Pearl was back in her pastel outfit, perfectly presentable as she pretended she’d never been poofed at all. “I’m glad to see you didn’t spend all night sulking out there.”

“The people in here... have they all been vetted?” Jasper asked. She couldn’t shake the feeling of unease in her, and there had to be a reason. She wouldn’t just be afraid for no reason - she was a Jasper, after all. 

“Vetted?” Pearl replied incredulously. “For what?”

“To be worthy of my Diamond’s presence, of course,” Jasper explained. “Have they sworn allegience to him?”

Pearl rolled her eyes. “Jasper, it’s a party. They don’t have to swear allegience to anyone,” she explained with her hands as well as her words, pretending to bow in mockery at the idea.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” the Quartz replied. “I don’t feel right with all these _strangers_ around my Diamond. I don’t know where to look or what to do. I... I need to do something. I’ll vet them myself!” she said, looking around frantically until she spotted the stocky, blonde human who had caught her eye earlier.

“Wait!” Pearl tried to call out, but Jasper had already made her way there. 

“State your purpose,” Jasper demanded as she reached her quarry. 

“Um, to... party, I guess?” the human said, her dark eyes wide as she looked up and down the towering figure of a Quartz before her. 

“Do you swear allegiance to My Diamond, Steven Universe, Leader of the Crystal Gems and the Diamond of Earth?” Jasper demanded, pointing her left index finger at the human.

“Well, I did come back to Beach City to visit him one more time, so... yes? A-assuming that’s what you want to hear?” the human asked. Despite her uncertainty, her words read as sincere. She seemed too meek to be able to do any real damage, anyway. Jasper doubted she possessed any magic talents. 

“Good!” Jasper declared, and promptly made her way to the next human. 

Before she could reach a slightly daller, dark-haired figure, Pearl leapt in front of her, sticking a hand in front of her face. “Don’t harass the guests! Do you want to stress Steven out?!” 

“No,” Jasper replied. “I want to keep him safe.”

Pearl's expression softened. “I do, too. But he knows everyone here, and seeing you intimidate them will ruin the carefully curated mood of a relaxing event without anything to shift him into his usual, ‘how can I resolve this for others’-esque self. In other words, don’t stir up any _conflict,_ please." She explained, then pointed in the direction of the counter. "Now, if you really want to be useful to him, come and help me hand out snacks, alright?”

Jasper sighed. Another thing she knew nothing about. “I don’t even know what a snack is,” she confessed. She truly was useless at this party... Before Pearl could persuade her, Jasper made a motion with her hand as if to say ‘it’s fine’, and made her way to the opposite wall. She stood in the corner, by herself. At least then Pearl would know she wasn’t ‘harassing’ anyone. 

Jasper’s eyes fell to her Diamond... he was still dancing with his chosen human. He smiled, as radiant as could be. And yet. Even knowing this, she was too caught up in her own uselessness to feel joy. Just like in the woods, she had not protected him. Stars, why couldn’t she have broken that useless little fusion right there? She may be on the right track at school, and that kept her going... but her Diamond’s will, in its true, complete perfection, was not obvious to her. 

Maybe... maybe she just wasn’t watching him closely enough. If she did not understand, he would reveal his will to her.

That was it, then. Just... stick by his side, remain with his familiar and comforting authority until this measly little _feeling_ subsided. What was there to be uneasy about? Her purpose may be uncertain at this party, but... but that did not matter. She was fine standing alone. Not knowing these people shouldn’t bother Jasper, if he approved of them. She was made for him, not for them.

The song ended and shifted to something slower, easier to process. Her Diamond’s dancing did the same, his eyes locked on his human, smiling as though all was right in his world. Jasper came up close to the twosome - staring down from above, keeping watch.

“Can I... help you?” the dark-haired human asked.

“Oh, that’s just Jasper. Don’t mind her, she’s just a litte... attached to me,” her Diamond said.

“Attached how?” the human asked.

“Well... she kinda thinks I’m her Diamond now. Connie, no - I know that face, I promise, I’m not sweeping this under the rug. I’ll talk with my therapist about that too, okay? It’s all good. I’ll face the psychological ramifications of this tragic event.”

“Alright... but she’s kinda hovering,” the human said. She then looked up to face the Quartz: “Do you mind? We’re trying to dance here.”

“I’m here to watch over my Diamond,” Jasper explained as a matter of fact.

“Well, don’t do that - he’s not your Diamond, or anyone else’s. He’s just a kid, and you’re putting a lot of undue responsibility on him. So if you really care about him, just leave him be, okay?”

Jasper snarled and bulled her way between them. How dare such a puny little human -

“Whoa there!” said her Diamond with a strained laugh, sliding between Jasper and the human and putting his hands up as if to calm her subject. If that was his will, Jasper would force herself to calm. “Heeeeey, Jasper, I have a great idea - why don’t you go hang out with someone else?”

"I apologize, my Diamond... I...” I don’t know how to do anything but protect you. “Who should I ask to 'hang out’?”

“Whoever you feel like! It’s all just for fun, remember? It’s all about what you want, so just... ask anyone! It doesn’t matter! Just... go be with anyone but me or Connie, okay?” the ruler requested.

"Steven, are you alright?!” A familiar voice called out. Pearl rushed to his side, her hands on his cheeks. He nodded, and so the lithe gem turned with a scowl to face Jasper: “I thought you’d have the sense to not bother him! He’s in a very delicate state, and we all -”

“Pearl!” Jasper’s Diamond interrupted with a smile. He clapped his hands together. “This is great timing, do you mind taking Jasper off my hands? She was just looking to grab some fresh air.”

“Steven...” Pearl sighed, in a way that did not read as disrespectful. She hunched down ever so slightly and ruffled his hair. “I know you’re deeply concerned about everyone else having fun, but tonight is about you. Don’t worry about anything. Just let me, Garnet and Amethyst handle everything.”

“No, Pearl. I _really_ mean it. I _am_ thinking of myself. And knowing how I feel, I know Jasper could really use some air. She’s kind of sucking up all of it, there’s not enough between me and Connie. There’s only room for two people here - got it?” her Diamond said, staring at Pearl with force. 

“Oh. W-well, in that case, I think I’m using up a little too much of the oxygen myself. You’re completely right, we need to get some human air. Come along, Jasper!”

“Huh?” Jasper asked.

“Go - just come with me, alright?” Pearl insisted, dragging Jasper by the arm.

As they walked through the wooden building, the music faded to make room for a new song. Jasper heard a passing conversation, between two gems small enough that they could share a single chair by the counter and still have plenty of room to spare:

“You had the same dream? That’s so weird!”

“Yeah! It was super wild. Everything was dark, but this giant lady held me in her hands, and it was like I totally knew who she was, she looked just like-”

Then they were out, and Pearl closed the door. The smaller gem nudged Jasper down the stairs, likely so they could talk without observers.

“Listen, I don’t know what you think you’re doing but you’re not helping! He is in a very delicate position and we need to make sure we don’t make him uncomfortable, and that includes your ridiculous, obvious hovering!” Pearl exclaimed.

Jasper raised an eyebrow. “So you’re just going to do what he says?”

“Yes, of course! He had a very bad mental health breakdown not long ago, we have to make sure that he’s comfortable!”

Jasper smiled. That was more like what she wanted to hear. “Good,” she said. The blacksmith was right... despite her wild, strange ways, Pearl really did care for their Diamond. She had acted as much all day.

“Yes, it is good! Stop hovering, then!” Pearl insisted.

“You’re acting just like me.” 

Pearl recoiled, clearly not expecting that reveal. “What? No, I’m not! I’m here because I want to be!”

So she needed an explanation, then: “Yet you’ve spent your time making sure he’s okay, just like me. You’re doing as he says, like me. You’re pretending nothing happened between us with that little outfit of yours, all for his comfort. And you’ve removed yourself from the party precisely because you feel responsible for his welfare - like I do.”

“I...” Pearl put her hand up as if to reply, but then her eyes widened as if she had a realization. “Oh no, am I doing it again?”

Jasper quirked an eyebrow. “Again?”

“You don’t know this about me, but I used to be... very Pearl-like, you may say. I used to be what I was _supposed_ to be,” Pearl said, sneering at the word ‘supposed’, like it was a bad thing.

Jasper had accepted Pearl’s independence, but... well, it wasn’t like this was a negative. “And this is a problem because...?”

Pearl groaned and put her hand up to her forehead, as if being near her gem would bring her answers. “I don’t have the capacity to explain this to you right now. What matters is, I need to stop,” she said, firmly sweeping her arms away from herself as if pushing away the thought. “I need to do things for my own sake and not just because I worry about him or I’m going to spiral and it will be ugly and messy for everyone involved, I’ll only hurt him more and it’ll be all my fault!” she spiraled. 

Being like that could... hurt him? What a strange concept. Jasper had not considered such a thing... But that thought aside, it was clear Pearl was distressed. And such a thing was wrong, for she was worthy and good. That prompted the obvious question: “And what is it you want to do?”

“I don’t know!” Pearl exclaimed. “I need some kind of distraction. It doesn’t matter what it is, I just need to stop thinking about this!” she said as she started pacing, aimless circles in the sand that repeated themselves over and over again without purpose.

Jasper leaned against the cliff wall and looked to the ocean. Was she supposed to help? It seemed like Pearl was looking for... something. The water lapped at the sands, but never anything more forceful than that. Every time she’d looked at these seas, they were calm, unless someone was _making_ them stir up unnaturally, as she had once attempted herself. She found that she preferred the sea to be quiet, now. 

Jasper looked back at Pearl. She was, and remained, beloved by their Diamond. He accepted her wild ways and saw beyond them, MUST see her strength and wisdom, as Jasper did... perhaps it was the Quartz who needed to encourage her, to make up for her mistakes: “You... you...” The words were not easy. She would not lie about that: “I don’t know how to say this.”

Pearl stopped pacing and looked to her.

That just meant more pressure. Jasper wanted to crack, to look away from icy blue eyes, to not be confronted by what she was about to say. But she kept looking. She wanted the words to be FELT: “You... you can do this! You will find whatever it is you’re looking for!” she said, pointing at the pastel gem. “You’re strong, wise, kind, and more capable than most gems. I respect you, my Diamond respects you, and I know you respect yourself!”

As Jasper’s spiel ended, there was a pause. Pearl looked right at her in what could only be stunned silence. A part of the larger gem felt fearful - like she should retract her words, make herself less dramatic, less insistent, as to not make Pearl fear her intensity. 

But then, Pearl smiled. A real smile, flashing her pointy teeth, her eyes shining. “Jasper... Thank you. I needed that,” she said. The lithe gem walked a few steps closer, the two of them shadowed under the woodwork of the Temple. She offered a hand. “I was right about you the first time around... You can be adorable, when you want to be.”

Jasper stared at the hand offered, unsure of what, exactly, Pearl wanted. Were they going to go somewhere...? The Quartz felt uncomfortable at the notion of leaving the party altogether before being given permission. 

Before she could ask, Pearl answered: “May I have this dance?”

Jasper’s eyes must’ve doubled in size, sucking in a breath she knew she didn’t need. Pearl noticed, for she hurried to qualify why: “I believe I found the distraction I was looking for. It’s nothing you need to overthink; I dance with whoever strikes my fancy at the moment, and... I think you could use a distraction, too. I think it could be fun.”

Pearl’s expression was so... certain. She went after what she wanted, and she actually _wanted_ to dance with her? Jasper could be useful to her? The thought seemed so... unrealistic, to her mind. 

But perhaps... this was allowed. Her Diamond had told her to have ‘fun’, whatever he may mean with that. No one had ever offered to dance like this... But Pearl really was offering. 

The Quartz looked up, to the party. A distraction could be dangerous. What if something happened to her Diamond, and Jasper was occupied, and she wasn’t even strong enough on her own even when she did focus, and- 

"Hey,” Pearl said, snapping Jasper back into reality - but despite the determination in her voice, her expression was gentle. “I know, you must worry about him every conscious moment.” Of course. And of course Pearl knew it. “But if anything were to happen... we would handle it together, right?”

“Right...” Jasper agreed. Pearl knew what she needed to hear. She was a good gem. But despite this, she seemed to truly have no interest in being superior. It was like she wanted to elevate the larger gem with her, and that they did not have to sacrifice their Diamond’s safety to do this. “Together.” 

Pearl nodded and held out her hand once more. Jasper reached out... but there was another thing. “On one condition,” she said.

“What?” Pearl asked.

“Take off that silly costume,” Jasper requested, gesturing vaguely to Pearl’s pastel ensemble.

“E-excuse me?” Pearl said. She placed a hand on the top half of the appearance modifier, as if she was offended on its behalf. 

“Show me your real form. It must be uncomfortable, keeping up the shapeshifting all night... you should be as you are.” It is only right of someone so talented and beloved.

“Oh...” Pearl let out. “Okay,” she said, and shone bright until her jacket turned the color of midnight, her flats turned to long, equally-colored boots. That was who she was, now. “I admit that does feel better.”

“Good,” Jasper said. If she could do nothing to please her Diamond tonight, it... it was only right to please those close to him, right? And Pearl... Pearl seemed to see something beyond Jasper’s mistakes. It felt... was she allowed to say how it felt? If she was, it felt nice. If not, she would keep that to herself. 

And with that, they joined hands. It seemed as if this could indeed be the universe’s will, for just then, a new song started playing in the dwelling above them. It was slow, and their tempo matched. One, two, three - they danced, guided by Pearl’s hand on Jasper’s neck, and the Quartz’ on the pastel gem’s waist. 

This was strangely... nerve-wracking. This close, Jasper could hide nothing. Like Pearl could see her even more obviously. She pressed on the smaller gem’s waist, as if holding her more steadily. The press of fingers against the nape of her nack remained soft, and the smaller gem smiled as if she did not share her concern. Or at the very least, she was trying to relax. 

Despite Pearl’s reassurances, Jasper was tense. She felt as though she was about to mess up at any moment. Was Pearl really... enjoying herself? Was this pleasing her? Was that possible?

The lithe gem tugged on Jasper and strode elegantly backwards, making it part of their little routine. “Come on, let’s go to the edge of the water. I bet your hair would look lovely in the moonlight,” she said. And then she leaned just a touch closer, whispering: “I always appreciate having something nice to look at.”

Jasper inhaled again. There was expectation there, but also... appreciation. She obliged before she made the conscious decision to. Pace by pace, they neared the water, swaying and spinning... One, two, three. Pearl twirled underneath Jasper’s hand, close to her chest, and her expression was nothing but gentleness. No sign of disapproval.

Jasper wanted to smile back... and yet... and yet. Couldn’t help but feel they were more exposed now. Her back was against the Temple. What if this _was_ wrong, and it was an entirely selfish form of ‘fun’ which was detrimental to their Diamond’s will? 

He was expecting things of her. He had smiled at her, approval of her existence, but that must be conditional on her actions. There must be a reason she was invited. What could she do for him? Was she doing it? Was it okay? Jasper craned her neck to look towards the Temple... 

But Pearl’s hand found its way to her cheek, and gently urged her to look back at her. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t look at them. Look at _me._ ”

Jasper turned. The eyes she met were so... certain. A simple, confident smile, shining against a silver sky, as if it was okay to not worry about these things. As if it was RIGHT not to, and Pearl was the one giving her that permission.

“It’s hard.” Jasper admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I know...” Pearl said. “But we can do it.”

Jasper would do... anything to have that. To hang on to that belief without question, the strength and confidence to look at herself, to be _a_ self... with such ease of conviction. To know you were right, to act, to be so strong. So wise. So... graceful... together...

One, two, three. One, two, three...

Two.

One.

_Who are we right now?_

Something seemed to... happen, and they looked around. The sky was the same, but the ocean seemed further from their spotted legs. Since when was there a pattern on their legs? Wait, what were they talking about? They’ve always been a striped gem. Well, those weren’t stripes, they were spots - but that was being pedantic. 

They were... nice. Was that allowed to say? Well, it better be, for they felt nice!

In fact, they felt nice enough that they wanted to move. Go, leap, dance! They wanted to keep dancing, show the stars what POWER and GRACE they held, spin around and around together until...

They looked up, and - _Oh no, he’s right by the door,_ a part of them thought. _Well then, we better show off to him!_ thought another. He might be heading out to the balcony. They can’t do this, what if he... he can’t think about them, they have to think about HIM. They have to-

There was a light, and Jasper fell on her hands and knees in the shallows. Pearl landed a few paces away, dry on the sand. Then she started _laughing,_ loud and exhilarated. She got to her feet and looked at her own hands... then she hugged herself. “Wow... what a rush! I felt so strong!” 

Jasper just stared at the water. She had created a ripple, by her own hands.

“Oh my, that was a _lovely_ surprise! We should do it again sometime!” Pearl said, spinning in circles on her own axis, seemingly still enjoying whatever she thought they had experienced. Her her ruffled, her eyes alive with unorganized, unintended joy. “I don’t know why we separated so soon, but... that was fun! Nothing stopping us from trying again, if you want!” As if to offer another go, she held out her hand. 

“I don’t want,” Jasper said, looking at the hand like it offended her. 

“Well, another time, then! Goodness me... how spontaneous! I’m proud of you, Jasper! You did good!” Pearl said, clapping her hands together.

“Stop talking,” Jasper said. She got on shaky feet, her body vibrating with something powerful that felt as right as it did wrong. There was a... rush of energy, something that almost felt good for a second. But this wasn’t right. This was something she had to contain. “He could come out at any moment. Shift into your costume, I... I have to _hide._ ”

“Oh... whatever for?” Pearl’s tone shifted as she retracted her hand, shifted back into her pastel ensemble. She became something more careful, something less _unrestrained_ than the gem she had seem a second ago.

Jasper had to - she had to leave, right now. Did he see? Did he know? 

The Quartz shot up on her feet, stumbled out of the water, getting used to her own body again. She hid from his sight; shadowed underneath his balcony. The door creaked open, though one could tell less from the motion and more from the increase in music volume, which had switched to a faster tune once more. 

“Oh, hey Pearl! That’s perfect. I'm actually about to make a little speech... I really want you to be there. I want to see everyone I care about. Come inside, okay?” Jasper heard her Diamond say. 

So... he didn’t know. But he could’ve. He would’ve SEEN her be selfish.

Worse yet... in the moment, she had almost deluded herself into thinking it was okay. That she tolerated, or worse, _enjoyed_ whatever that was. A union without purpose, without function, without a fight to win.

That was NOT okay. That was the antithesis to being what he wanted - the Quartz he needed her to be, the one who was chosen. The obedient gem he deserved. 

But in that moment... 

“Of course. I’ll... I’ll be right there,” Pearl said, her voice sounding far away. She gave their Diamond an awkward thumb gesture of what Jasper assumed was approval. 

Her Diamond said “great!” and went back inside. 

Jasper... there was no alternative; she had to get back to Little Homeworld. That’s where he wanted her to be, so she started to walk. Her feet shuffled forward, finding their stride despite how her form trembled. And this time, she would not leave, nor allow herself to be distracted her from her purpose in life.

“Jasper... Jasper, wait, where are you going?” Pearl asked. She reached her hand out when the Quartz passed by, as if trying to touch her again. The bigger gem leaned away, unwilling to allow the connection. “You don’t have to be afraid of this, you know!”

“Stay with him,” Jasper said. She could think only of getting out - away from the party, away from the ocean. “He wants you here. I’m going back to Little Homeworld.”

Pearl kept _following_ her. “Jasper... I didn’t even think this was possible! I assumed you were so single-minded in thinking about Steven that there was no way we’d even be able to-”

“Of course I was thinking of him. You must’ve been, too.” Jasper replied, staring at the water beneath her.

“Well, no. I... I kind of let myself be swept up in it. I was thinking about you,” Pearl confessed. 

“No, he must’ve crossed your mind. That’s all I can think of,” the larger gem defended. But truth be told, Jasper knew. This was her own fault, for she had given herself foolish, unreasonable permission to let her mind stray from him. She had not thought of how to serve him, and so, her actions were wrong.

“Jasper...”

“He is all I am _allowed_ to think of.”

“No, he’s not, and you proved _just now_ that you’re capable of more!” Pearl asserted. That was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

“No, I’m not.”

“Come on, now, don’t be like this...” Pearl sighed. “I had fun! And I know a part of you had fun, too! You don’t need to take things so _seriously_ , I’ve done this with well over a dozen gems before. This isn’t even the first time for you!” she insisted, walking at a half-jog to keep up with the larger gem’s determined strides. 

“It’s the first time I’ve done that without good _reason._ ” Jasper confessed. The words were a shackle, binding her to the reality that she... had acted without his permission: “Regardless of my partners’ motivation, I never strayed from my purpose. It was always for the sake of the fight.”

“Well, what about me? I thought you cared about what I wanted now!” Pearl tried. “At least listen to me!” 

Jasper stopped - it felt wrong to not allow Pearl to speak. She was not a bad gem. She had merely acted on impulse, which she had the blessing of her Diamond to do. Jasper existed for another purpose altogether, and so it was _she_ who should feel bad. Both stood still in the sands, and Jasper felt Pearl’s insistent eyes on her back: “Look, I didn’t intend for this to happen, but it felt good. I needed a distraction, and you provided. Thank you.”

Jasper would not dare say ‘you’re welcome.’ And Pearl should know why: “My Diamond has to come first. We should debase his party with such selfish acts.” So she kept walking.

Pearl seemingly became more frazzled, judging by her tone: "If it's so terrible to be selfish, even for a second... can’t you just be happy that it felt nice for me?”

What was Jasper supposed to say to that? She was only allowed to want Pearl happy because her Diamond had made her strong, smart, and graceful enough to make Jasper want that. Anything else was wrong.

“No. Not when... when I... I wasn’t even doing it for him...” she let out. Her voice must’ve trembled like her form did, for it threatened to choke her. 

“Then who did you do it for?”

Jasper had no answer for that.

“I still liked it,” Pearl said, her stubbornness burning forth no matter what Jasper said. She finally let the Quartz walk without incessantly following, but her lips weren't giving up: “I’m not going to pretend I didn’t. It felt nice enough that I forgot, well, I _let_ myself forget that you’re still like this. Of course you’d get caught up in the morality of whether it’s allowed to enjoy yourself...” she mused. There was a sadness there, something faintly tragic in her tone. But it was soon overtaken by defiance: “Perhaps I am selfish, but I stand by that it was _good_."

Jasper could not let that be the last word. She made herself find a voice: "No, it’s not you.” _I deserve this shame, for I let it happen._ Then her tone grew quieter, a plea to herself: “I need to stay who he wants me to be, the way I'm meant to be... that’s all I have." 

Pearl said no more. And so, Jasper kept going without allowing herself to stop. 

Nothing good ever came from her fusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! If you're reading this in January 2021, I took a winter break during the holiday season but am now at work with the next chapter, which will be out at the end of January or early February. Thanks for your patience!
> 
> It seems like only Steven knows why, exactly, he held this party... but perhaps you've been able to figure it out? Let's see how Jasper handles it. Tune in next time to find out. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I appreciate all comments, kudos and feedback. They keep me going! Have a lovely day! <3


	14. The Future

_As Pink Diamond came to an end - at least as far as most of Gemkind knew - the heavens looked as if made anew; dust and sparkles seemed to create its own night sky. Indeed, it was a befitting sight - for how else could one describe the destruction of what you had always assumed to be permanent and unyielding? How could it not feel like your world was ending? How could anyone not feel like they, too, were broken and forever changed by losing what had always tied you to your purpose?_

_But of course, that was the gift that Pink - or, more correctly, Rose Quartz - had intended to give to Gemkind. It was never her design that absence should make the Gem grow fonder._

_Gems who were used to the shifting climate of the Earth would later agree it was as sudden and terrifying as a lightning strike._

The sun rose like it was any other day. Some nerve, acting like nothing happened. Like things were right in the world. 

But Jasper knew better - there was a wrongness that needed to be righted within herself, and so within the world. She had stepped outside her role. Her cave. Her _self_. She would’ve reported her deranged behavior to her Diamond, if not for his every friend's insistence of his delicate state. The disobedience and frank disregard for her role and purpose would likely not be good for him, however perfect his judgement.

Eight consecutive hours of studying, wishing she could drown herself in the pages - that was the rest of Jasper’s night. She stared at the pages of Era 2 Gem History in front of her for hours on end, as if it would teach her anything she did not already know. 

She needed to bury herself in her homework, lest she think of anything else. Could not look at her communicator. Could not see it light up. She knew who it was.

And it lit up again.

And again.

And it was almost time for class.

She grabbed the cursed device and pressed the button to accept the call, speaking exactly to whom had caused this: “You’ve dragged me into a beastly existence. A lower form of being.”

“Nice to talk to you too, Jasper,” Pearl answered, sounding as if entirely unimpressed.

“I will not live like that,” Jasper replied. A statement to the self, as much as to her.

“Okay, fine. Don’t. But we should still talk about it.”

“No.”

“Jasper..." Pearl sighed. "I know this is difficult for you, but it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“It doesn’t mean anything." _I am only for him._

“...Fine, forget I called. Steven's about to wake up anyway," Pearl admitted defeat. But she had mentioned HIM, and that felt as though a minor realization. Jasper was taken back to the moment the night before... as was correct, she thought of what he expected from her. She had been expected to attend the party... and still she had left, in her shame. She had yet found a good excuse for why she did... 

“Wait!” Jasper called out before Pearl could hang up. 

“What?”

Jasper was not entitled to know his emotions. It should be obvious to assume he was disappointed in her. And yet... she needed to know. “Is he furious? Is he devastated?” 

Pearl sighed. “No, he’s fine. Steven had a nice time.”

 _Oh._ That should have been comforting. But Jasper’s deep unease was not soothed by Pearl’s words... if anything, something felt off. He expected things of her. She was supposed to be there. Of _course_ he would care about that. About her role. About her.

“He... he really didn’t mind that I left?”

“Jasper, I don’t think he even noticed," Pearl said, clearly hoping it would calm her. 

That wasn't comforting at all. It should've been. “He didn’t?”

“No. He didn’t even ask about you.”

“Oh," Jasper let out. “What did he say?”

“Well... he thanked us. The Crystal Gems, the humans in his life, other gems he’d befriended...”

“Did he mention me amongst them?” Surely he would...

“No.”

That was fine. She could not control his words. “...And then what?”

Pearl was quiet for a moment. Like the analyst she was, she took her time to divulge information. “That was the strange part. After he thanked everyone, he paused. He looked around... and his breath hitched. His eyes looked glassy, but just told everyone to keep enjoying the party. I don’t know what he was holding back, but it felt like something. And then, some of the people there started... tearing up? All humans, which was stranger yet. Us gems looked at each and felt decidingly like we were left out of a secret.”

“Hm," Jasper voiced. "I’m not surprised if humans can’t contain their emotion around such a divine being.”

Pearl’s laughter was small, a brief chuckle dripping with a dry smugness. “Jasper, we really would have gotten along better if we’d met just a decade earlier.”

“Hmph," Jasper acknowledged. She would not partake in _banter_ with someone who had tempted her so. Sure, Pearl was loved by their Diamond, and so deserved to live her life the way their Diamond allowed, with all its strange, pointless pleasures... but last night complicated that. Complicated Jasper's ability to like Pearl for the _right_ reasons. "You're a teacher. It's fine if we get along, but it's not necessary. I just need to keep going."

"Can that not include _talking_ to me?" Pearl sounded wounded. Let her.

"I'm busy."

"Do not try to tell me that you're behind on your assigned readings, Jasper," Pearl argued, her already shrill voice an octave higher. "We both know you're as devoted as you can be, even if you endlessly struggle with the actual _point_ of Little Homeschool."

"I'm busy because nothing else should be on my mind. I can't see you like _that_ again."

“Jasper...”

“It doesn't mean anything.” Jasper repeated. To herself. To Pearl. She had to be defiant in the face of any terror that threatened to consume her.

“You already said that. I suppose it's not just me you're trying to convince... Fine, whatever, I'll let you be. if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then we don’t have to make a thing out of it. I can continue to pursue as many fusions as I desire, and you... well, you’re still you. I suppose you want to return to your studies?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Alright. Ah, Steven is up -" Oh no. Jasper was not ready to face him. "I'll hang up." Phew. "I presume we both agree that it’s terribly bad timing to tell him anything like this?"

“Yes, let him be,” _You proved that you care for him, so I trust you’ll act like it._

“Okay. I... I’ll see you later, Jasper. But - look, I hate putting this in such Diamond-centric terms. But while I don't think you've been the central figure of his mind lately... he doesn't hate you. He doesn't want you to hurt like this. He just wants you to be you.” 

Jasper hung up without another word.

* * *

There was no singular teacher for Era 2 Gem History. Each session, a different teacher from a revolving cast of Crystal Gems and ex-students would present a “perspective” of the war and post-war times, as they saw it, to show that “no one version was correct,” as the Fusion had put it.

On that day, Jasper had lit up with glee at the thought that the Fusion had been wrong - there was no snow on the ground, the northern side of Earth was nowhere near that point in its yearly rotation, and yet, here she was, teaching. But before she’d said a thing, the Gems had already put a hand up and explained; “This is not my class. This is everyone’s class, and I do not want to teach it again while you’re in it. You’ll see me at first snowfall, like I said. On my terms.”

As promised, today the class was not taught by the Fusion. It was a Pearl - not _Pearl,_ but a pale blue gem with long bangs covering her eyes and a sheer skirt of the same color, who seemed... familiar. She'd likely belonged to one of the upper members of Blue Diamond's court. 

"Hello. I am Pearl, but you may call me Powder," she introduced herself in a quiet voice - practiced, restrained, no louder than the wind chimes swaying in the trees around her - as she stepped onto the makeshift painted wood stage, which was only barely a pedestal. It creaked under her dainty weight, a shabby job creating any real sense of hierarchy between the day's teacher and the half-moon of students.

"I was Blue Diamond's Pearl until the dawn of Era 3," she continued, and did a brief curtsy. She was familiar _indeed_ then. How tragic, leaving her purpose only to be manipulated into thinking this kind of existence was an improvement. "I am here to tell you about... emotions. You may be asking why I am speaking about this in a history class. That is because history has everything to do with people's feelings, how people react to events around them and how their feelings cause those with power to act. That shaped the dawn of Era 2. That's... something my Diamond - I'm sorry, Blue Diamond - made me intimately familiar with."

One would assume so. Blue Diamond's radience had the power to compell those around her to feel as she felt, one of many reasons it was crucial to appease her. As her Pearl, this 'Powder' would've likely been subjected to her agony at the loss of Pink Diamond again and again... what a pitiful life. 

Wait, no, of course it wasn't pitiful. If a Diamond deigned you feel her emotions, that was an _honor._ Had Jasper just emphasized with a _Pearl_ over a Diamond?

"So, as you can imagine... it made me understand how emotionally-driven even the highest of beings are. No one is really a perfect authority. The myth of a perfect Diamond Authority isn't real and never was. That's why Era 3 is such a relief, because it allows us all to expres our emotions and succumb to their weight without the pressure of being perfect."

 _Oh. My. Stars._ It was far from the first time Jasper had heard such blatant propaganda in this place, and it was only made worse when the Pearl extended a delicate finger to point directly at Jasper. "You," she said. "You look bothered by what I'm saying. Do you deny that emotions exist in Diamonds?"

Far from it, Jasper thought. It's just that those emotions are _correct_ assessments about the world, rather than biased or flimsy sentimentality rooted in selfish impulses and attachments. "No," she said simply, not wishing to argue. The point of all _this_ was not to convince everyone else to go back to their old ways - that would be futile. The point was to pass the class, thus fulfilling her Diamond's desire.

"Did you feel uncomfortable when I asked?" she inquired in that wispy little voice, tilting her head down.

"No," Jasper denied. 

"I see..." Powder mused. She lifted her head, and the wind caught her hair in such a way that for the briefest of moments, Jasper could see a large, dark eye staring at her. "How are you feeling, then?" 

_Like I've failed my Diamond by indulging in foolish, selfish urges and I need to do well here to repent,_ Jasper thought. Not what the teacher wanted to hear, of course: "I feel fine."

* * *

Class dismissed. Not much new, but Jasper would try to internalize the exact words of the Pearl to rote memory. So that she could regurgitate it when necessary. So people would think she was doing well in class. So she could keep going.

So she could make up for her mistake. So she could forget about it. As she should.

"Things are going to be different from today, huh?" said a Quartz whom Jasper recognized as Ocean Jasper, packing her little rucksack. The very same chest gem who had restrained her in her attempt to lunge at the blacksmith. "Yknow, with him gone."

"Hm?" Jasper said. She wasn't one to small-talk, but... things being _different from today,_ after her terrible behavior... That was nothing short of a threat.

"I heard it's tonight. So we won't really even have the chance to get used to not asking him for help... that's weird," continued the other Quartz. "Maybe that's the point, less and less of a hierarchical structure and, er, _all that jazz,_ as the humans say. Maybe he's teaching us a lesson again. He's so great!" 

Few creatures who used the moniker 'him' were worthy of praise. The odds were lower yet that it was who Jasper feared, especially coming from some enlightened wannabe-rebel who had no problem disavowing the Diamonds. Maybe she could relax. Maybe it wasn't about him. It wasn't her fault. "I don't know what lowlife you've attached yourself to, but that's your business."

"Suit yourself," Ocean Jasper shrugged.

So Jasper did, and headed in the general direction of her home. But the students would not stop talking...

"I can't believe we won't have him around anymore!"

Whatever. They could have their useless talks. She didn't need to know.

"After everything he's done for us... I wish I could praise him, but he wouldn't want that."

Just keep going. Pearl said he was FINE.

"I know we've all known for a while, but..."

We've ALL known? Who was all? Certainly not everyone here, even though it felt like it. Even though everyone acted like it. A rising crescendo of chatter, of sentimentality, of fond words of a 'him.' The kind of chatter that everyone were in on except herself. 

"I'll miss Steven so much!" someone called out in the mingling crowd of students. Coos and shouts of agreement, even a few tears. So against Jasper's deluded hope, something HAD changed for him. And everyone else knew it. Perhaps that was the punishment.

It wasn't a sense of unfamiliarity. Far from it, it was much like how people talked about Beta gems. They weren't really talking to you, they were talking about you. It didn't matter what you thought about the defective subspecies of Quartz uncovered in that hideous little corner of Earth. All that mattered were their thoughts about you, not your perception of yourself. You learned not only to tolerate that, but to feel it. It was their right to know, to discuss. Your involvement in these types of talks required given permission. You had to earn it. Had to prove you were better than them.

It was nothing less than the creeping certainty that everyone around you were talking about your life, but either were deliberately hiding it or did not care whether you were around to listen. You did not matter as a subject, merely as an object, and your opinions therein were void. For better or worse, he would change his (and her) circumstances. It was as natural as a tidal wave, but one in which others decided whether you were allowed to prepare yourself. 

Jasper made her way through the crowd, overhearing fragments and flickers of conversations that seemed, uniformly, to center him. Joy. Fear. Smiles. Tears. Gratitude. Wistfulness.

Jasper quickened her steps. What had he done? Had the tension in her core found its place in the world of the reasonable? Had she failed him that miserably? Where _was_ he? She was almost running.

At some point, she stopped at the massive, imposing tower that stood as the centerpiece overlooking all of Little Homeworld. A tactical vantage point. A good meeting hub to find just about anybody who was nearby - and so, Jasper headed inside.

The building wasn't exactly well-isolated. It wasn't shoddy construction per se, but rushed. Function more important than style. The windows were but empty holes, glassless, and you could hear whoever was outside as well as if they were inside. Just then, the shriek of a certain Peridot stopped Jasper in her tracks: "You're leaving?!"

"I can't believe it..." Lapis Lazuli joined in.

"Steven..." came the blubbering voice of the Bismuth blacksmith. 

Moments later... Jasper heard HIS voice. The moment seemed to blur, the world moving too fast and yet coming to a standstill as his perfect voice rang out to his followers - He comforted them. He graced them with gifts. And they said none of them would be who they were without him. Without Jasper's Diamond.

It ended in goodbye. In him _promising to visit._ That couldn't be right. He... he cared so much for his people. His Gems. He wouldn't leave them behind.

Before Jasper could move, could act, could claim anything resembling a voice, her Diamond (she'd recognize the sound of his gait anywhere) started walking. Towards the edge of the tower, using the makeshift elevator. Jasper hid from the window, not wanting to disturb his sight. It would be better to merely ask the other Gems later, anyway.

Of course, It was not her place to question.

It was never her place.

A wrong thought - would anything, anywhere, ever be her place?

But. But. But. He was walking away.

Was this her fault? Could she do anything? Could she protect him?

This may have been her only chance to say _anything_. Where was the exit? She didn't remember. She had to hurry. There was only one way out in time - slam right through the wall, cracking it in her image.

“I heard you're leaving," Jasper announced. She had to keep herself in check as best she could and NOT panic and NOT allow her feelings to seep out of her control, because that's what a Jasper would do, because that was what he deserved of her, because regardless of whether this was her fault or not, it wasn't hers to question.

But she had to say something. Anything. NOW. No hesitation or he’d slip away and - "I’m coming with you!”

"Jasper, I'm going alone," her Diamond said. He sounded downright bemused. Calm. Almost happy. A closer resemblance to the confident Gem at the party than the one she had found crying in the woods. Was this... not a punishment? Why was he doing this, if not to teach Jasper a lesson? 

In any case, it wasn't enough. She had to keep talking.

"But who will protect you?!" Jasper pleaded. Later, she'd berate herself for being too insistent. Too demanding. But she had to say something, to prove that she was still willing to do whatever she could for him. She'd do anything. She would be anything. 

"I can protect myself."

Of course he could. Jasper certainly wasn't strong enough. “I know...” she sighed. The unwanted feelings welling up inside her were its own tidal wave, to match his breaking of their status quo. Unspoken, disgraceful and tearing up the foundations of the world. _He just wants you to be you._

Jasper knew damn well she had no say over his will. His decisions were final and unchallengeable. But she’d let a stray thought, a little sparkle of desire overcome her... Having him see her like this, Jasper feeling clumsy and aching and like she needs to be honest and not be honest at the same time and she just had to PUNCH.

It felt unnatural yet RIGHT to break the ground beneath them, mark the spot where they part, force the Earth to bear what she could not. “Farewell, my Diamond!” Jasper forced herself to say, forcing her eyes shut as to not reveal unsightly wetness.

If he did not hate her... She could not be weak, and not make mistakes. And to make him know that, she exited the same way she came; slamming her head through the wall of the tower. Creeping back into where he had decided she should be. As if her entrance had been purposeful. As if she knew what she was doing.

A test, punishment, riddle, whatever - this was his WILL. How _dare_ she even panic. She just had to live with it.

Jasper could hear him walk away. He hummed to himself, and for whatever reason, she was filled with the same, unmistakeable, _irritating_ feeling that had consumed her when Pearl said her Diamond had not noticed Jasper leaving the party. Like he wouldn't have cared even if he knew. A nameless, clinging thing. An unsightly, wretched emptiness... A humiliating sense of _insignificance_.

Bury it.

Don’t turn back.

Don’t look.

Don’t feel.

He’s gone.

* * *

The sun rose like it was any other day. Some nerve. The breaking beams of light bathing the creation of a new reality... without him. As the events of yesterday haunted her mind, Jasper could only know what she had always known. This meant the same thing it had always meant - respecting his wishes once again. It meant that the guiding light, that shining, glimmering lightning strike would be further away from her reach. 

But it did not mean giving up. She would stay on his path. She would devote herself until. Until. Until... 

Jasper recalled his clear-cut, authoritative tones in her head: _"You've made it this far, right? Just... keep at it until you graduate.”_

Until she could finally leave this place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a minute, huh? I decided to take December off and then January was a very bad time for me. However! Fret not, because the break helped me figure out some of the finer details that had stumped me for a long time, so my hope is that this will speed up the posting schedule! I'm halfway done with the next chapter, so expect it quite soon! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments, kudos and feedback are always appreciated! <3


	15. Author's Note - Grieving

TW: Animal Death

Hey, everyone. Two days ago, I lost my 3 month old kitty, Fiol. I know I said the new chapter would be out sooner than usual, but things feel different now. I hope you understand. It's hard to know how I'll feel tomorrow, let alone next week. I felt like things were getting back on track for me, I was less depressed... but now, the world feels surreal, foreign and wrong. I don't know what to say. I just wanted to give my baby a happy life. If you believe, please keep him in your prayers. Thank you. 

Rest in Peace, my sweet Fiol. I hope you know I love you with all my heart.


End file.
